Bill Mahar's New Rules for 2006

[John R]

great stuff, rolling around the internet being attributed to george carlin, but, it's all bill's.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: If you must post something on a message board thread, make sure you have something to say. Posts such as, "me too", "you're cute", and "I love it", have me looking for the "head banging" emoticon. Think before you post. Ask yourself, "is this relevant?" If the answer is no, don't hit the enter key.

[Jdarg]

We love Bill- I think many people assume that he only picks on conservatives- not true! He is very "equal opportunity"- if someone is showing their butt, conservative OR liberal, Bill will see it for sure, then comment on it!

John- do you have the New Rules book? Wet-your-pants funny.

[John R]

We love Bill- I think many people assume that he only picks on conservatives- not true! He is very "equal opportunity"- if someone is showing their butt, conservative OR liberal, Bill will see it for sure, then comment on it!

John- do you have the New Rules book? Wet-your-pants funny.

no book for me, the source

yeah, bill is awesome, not afraid to attack any party. he is on my 'series recordings'

[Jdarg]

no book for me, the source

yeah, bill is awesome, not afraid to attack any party. he is on my 'series recordings'

ooh thanks! Gonna save that in my favorites and look at the New Rules archive when I need a laugh!

[Cil]

Love Bill Maher.
Someone had sent me those rules awhile back. My favorites were the Starbucks one and the crappy movies one. There was another George Carlin email which he denies being his (and after reading it, any GC fan would know it's not his.)

[Mermaid]

I think he's so funny. I only wish that it all weren't so true! Especially the Starbucks one. Dead on.

[Kimmifunn]

I have to disagree with the eyebrow one. Eyebrows are very very important. And where would we all be without a little wax and tweezers? Huh ladies?

[Cil]

I have to disagree with the eyebrow one. Eyebrows are very very important. And where would we all be without a little wax and tweezers? Huh ladies?

We'd all look like Keira Knightley. Right?

[Kimmifunn]

We'd all look like Keira Knightley. Right?

If I don't take control of my brows I look like Gene Shallit!

[Jdarg]

If I don't take control of my brows I look like Gene Shallit!

Your Tallulah 'tar has interesting eyebrows.

[Kimmifunn]

Your Tallulah 'tar has interesting eyebrows.

Ok. I had to take matters into my own hands. One of dem funns has amazing brows. (I mean so amazing that the person who does them was listed in the NYTimes Magazine as best in NY) oh God...I know, I know who I sound like!

[John R]

[audie]

my fave is #1 - so true, so true.

[katie blue]

I can't help but love Bill Maher. Despite the fact that he's SO. SO. Full of himself. But he's so genuinely funny and usually right on target, so I let him slide . Once in a blue moon he goes a little overboard, but overall I think he's one of the smartest counterpoint voices out there. I make it a point to watch the New Rules segment of his show, at the very least.

[Cheering472]

Those were great. Love Bill. I stay awake for the Rules. New Rules are the best part of his show

[Jdarg]

We are going to see him tonight- Bdarg's birthday present. Can't wait! I wonder what his live show is like- has anyone seen him? I'm sure we will laugh our arses off!

[Allifunn]

We are going to see him tonight- Bdarg's birthday present. Can't wait! I wonder what his live show is like- has anyone seen him? I'm sure we will laugh our arses off!

Have funn!!! Just don't let him know that you post on a message board and frequently answer a post with "I love it" and "You're cute"!!!!!!

[Jdarg]

Have funn!!! Just don't let him know that you post on a message board and frequently answer a post with "I love it" and "You're cute"!!!!!!

Maybe I should yell out

"Hey Bill you big bat turd"- that should get his attention!

[Allifunn]

Maybe I should yell out

"Hey Bill you big bat turd"- that should get his attention!

[kurt]

We are going to see him tonight- Bdarg's birthday present. Can't wait! I wonder what his live show is like- has anyone seen him? I'm sure we will laugh our arses off!

His recent HBO special, "I'm Swiss" was funny and depressing. I've gotten to where even smart political humor and social commentary upsets me underneath the laughter.

[Jdarg]

His recent HBO special, "I'm Swiss" was funny and depressing. I've gotten to where even smart political humor and social commentary upsets me underneath the laughter.

And I am sure that is his plan- by upsetting you he's making you think. Unfortunately, most of the people who watch him agree with alot of what he says, or at least the reasons why he says things, so he's kinda preaching to the choir.

I like his smirky facial expressions.

[Teresa]

Maybe I should yell out

"Hey Bill you big bat turd"- that should get his attention!

you are NOT going to see Bill! what a riot!!! hey, Bdarg - happy happy birthday to you!!!

bill is definitely overboard in a good way.. he cracks me up.

[Jdarg]

you are NOT going to see Bill! what a riot!!! hey, Bdarg - happy happy birthday to you!!!

bill is definitely overboard in a good way.. he cracks me up.

Yup- Bdarg is ironing his own shirt right now! I'm not the greatest ironer in the world. I got the tix back in May- his birthday was then.

[Chickpea]

Yup- Bdarg is ironing his own shirt right now! I'm not the greatest ironer in the world. I got the tix back in May- his birthday was then.

Jdarg,
I am so jealous - I absolutely LOVE Bill Maher and his sharp wit - have a great time and I cannot wait to read about it....... enjoy it for all of us.

[Allifunn]

Yup- Bdarg is ironing his own shirt right now! I'm not the greatest ironer in the world. I got the tix back in May- his birthday was then.

Quote..."If I have to iron a shirt...it goes to good will"...who said this?????

[Teresa]

Quote..."If I have to iron a shirt...it goes to good will"...who said this?????

Kirky-baby and sowal Daddy-O. and I said, "we don't iron in sowal.... never have, never will..."

[Jdarg]

I was SUPPOSED to have a nice picture of us and Mr. Bill posted right here. But I wasn't pushy enough. The one freakin' time in my life. We were walking to the car, and noticed a crowd of people, cameras flashing, a limo, and bodyguards. He's kinda short (well, really short, borderline midget), so we didn't see him at first. We ran up, the body guards started dispersing people, I got out the camera and threw it at Bdarg, then locked eyes with Bill, and....he got swallowed up by a big black limo. CRAP! I bet if I had called him a bat turd he would have stuck around for one more pic! Heck, I'm bigger than he is- I could've just grabbed him myself!


The show was hilarious. About 50% politics and 50% sex. Jokes to offend just about everybody on the planet, so you can't be a titty baby and like this guy. He had lots of good new material, but Bdarg and I both thought of Beachrunner when he translated the rap songs! That was very funny. I don't think our high brow little arts center has ever heard so many dirty words. We were wondering if any season ticket holders showed up not knowing what the act was about...

If he comes to your town, it's a must -see. I liked the one-man format better than his TV show, which I like ALOT. The time just flew by and my face hurts from smiling/laughing!

[Teresa]

I was SUPPOSED to have a nice picture of us and Mr. Bill posted right here. But I wasn't pushy enough. The one freakin' time in my life. We were walking to the car, and noticed a crowd of people, cameras flashing, a limo, and bodyguards. He's kinda short (well, really short, borderline midget), so we didn't see him at first. We ran up, the body guards started dispersing people, I got out the camera and threw it at Bdarg, then locked eyes with Bill, and....he got swallowed up by a big black limo. CRAP! I bet if I had called him a bat turd he would have stuck around for one more pic! Heck, I'm bigger than he is- I could've just grabbed him myself!


The show was hilarious. About 50% politics and 50% sex. Jokes to offend just about everybody on the planet, so you can't be a titty baby and like this guy. He had lots of good new material, but Bdarg and I both thought of Beachrunner when he translated the rap songs! That was very funny. I don't think our high brow little arts center has ever heard so many dirty words. We were wondering if any season ticket holders showed up not knowing what the act was about...

If he comes to your town, it's a must -see. I liked the one-man format better than his TV show, which I like ALOT. The time just flew by and my face hurts from smiling/laughing!

What a blast! We need to get him to appear on Sowal.com! HA!!!!!!!!!! Glad you enjoyed the show... and thanks for the prompt reporting...

[Jdarg]

What a blast! We need to get him to appear on Sowal.com! HA!!!!!!!!!! Glad you enjoyed the show... and thanks for the prompt reporting...

I'm procastinating - I'm writing a letter to Will and just don't know how to break it to him that his mom is such a total loser.

Kurt would have to destroy the censor feature if Bill Maher decided to start SoWalling!

[Teresa]

I'm procastinating - I'm writing a letter to Will and just don't know how to break it to him that his mom is such a total loser.

Kurt would have to destroy the censor feature if Bill Maher decided to start SoWalling!

what? loser? why??? he's gotta be very proud of his mama!

[Jdarg]

Bdarg just received this e-mail from a friend who was on the 3rd row- pretty funny!

I don't know if you could notice from where you were sitting, but, Maher was unshaven, his clothing looked as if it just came out of a ball inside a used Kroger grocery bag and his shirt had obviously lost it's battle against whatever he had eaten for dinner.

[Mermaid]

Bdarg just received this e-mail from a friend who was on the 3rd row- pretty funny!

I don't know if you could notice from where you were sitting, but, Maher was unshaven, his clothing looked as if it just came out of a ball inside a used Kroger grocery bag and his shirt had obviously lost it's battle against whatever he had eaten for dinner.

I guess some people are better heard than seen!