"How Many...." Jokes - I'll Start

[RiverOtter]

How many Funns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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5
1 to make a suggestion
1 to ask someone else to do it
1 to start making wise cracks about it
2 to make dirty jokes about it


How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Lets go ride bikes

[Hop]

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Lets go ride bikes

that's me

[audie]

the only jokes like this i know are too offensive to put on this board.....

[Mermaid]

Curtesy of Merman the Engineer:

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb? “Will this question be on the final exam?”

How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb? “Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.”

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable-but functional- hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one.

Take a wild guess as to what kind of engineer I married.

[RiverOtter]

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb? “Will this question be on the final exam?”

[Beachbummett]

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Lets go ride bikes[/QUOTE]

They say I have ADD...but I don't know....Oh look a chicken.....

[Mermaid]

For all you dog lovers out there ... How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

• Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
• Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
• Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
• Rottweiler: Make me.
• Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
• Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
• Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
• Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
• Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
• Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
• Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.......
• Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
• Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
• 
  Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
• Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
• Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
• Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
• Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
• Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect my light?
• Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

[DD]

These are so right on. Especially about Labs.

[Ocean Lover]

Love the doggies. I didn't realize Stacy (our poodle) and I were so much alike.

[potatovixen]

Since I am a 'band geek':

Q: How many saxophone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: three. One to change the bulb, and two to make jokes about "screwing light bulbs."

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. One changes the bulb and the rest brag about how much better they could've done it.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll do it too loudly.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink till the room spins.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
A2: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A3: None. They have a machine that can do that now.

[Ocean Lover]

Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.


Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.


Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around
her.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb
last rites.

Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has
burnt out.

Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to
design the web page about doing it.


Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not
represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old
one was.

Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
it before it crashes.

Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to
change.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark


Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us


Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

[RiverOtter]

Since I am a 'band geek':

Q: How many saxophone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: three. One to change the bulb, and two to make jokes about "screwing light bulbs."

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. One changes the bulb and the rest brag about how much better they could've done it.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll do it too loudly.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink till the room spins.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
A2: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A3: None. They have a machine that can do that now.

As a fellow band geek these are right on especially this one

[Miss Kitty]

..thanks RO, et. al.....these are hysterical!

[AlphaGeek]

hERE i GO................................................ .......................... .
I'll just laugh at you guy's. You have funny hair, he has vampire fangs, RiverOtter Is drinking beer....

[Miss Kitty]

hERE i GO................................................ .......................... .
I'll just laugh at you guy's. You have funny hair, he has vampire fangs, RiverOtter Is drinking beer....

...

Hey there, AG! Why you up so early?

[Unplugged]

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Credit goes to John... this was a classic from almost a year ago
___________________________________________

[RiverOtter]

hERE i GO................................................ .......................... .
I'll just laugh at you guy's. You have funny hair, he has vampire fangs, RiverOtter Is drinking beer....

One of these days I'm gonna have to have a long talk with that boy

[Allifunn]

these are ALL funny, but this one is priceless!!!! You have a good memory unplugged.... This was before my time...so thanks for remembering it!
and btw...they are All still true to this day

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Credit goes to John... this was a classic from almost a year ago
___________________________________________

[AlphaGeek]

One of these days I'm gonna have to have a long talk with that boy

help AH!!! NOW OTTER IS A SHARK!!!

[Biff]

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz