[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][FONT=Comic Sans MS]For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a Week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years Ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swim wear. [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . . [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Dear Diary: [U] MONDAY [/U] Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived At the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and Dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to Standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics Class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was Already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][FONT=Comic Sans MS] [U]TUESDAY [/U] I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air When she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT] [COLOR="Black"][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][FONT=Comic Sans MS] [U]WEDNESDAY[/U] The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the Counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club Parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other Club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning And when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the Stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity Rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s--- too. [U]THURSDAY [/U] Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her Thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][FONT=Comic Sans MS] [U]FRIDAY [/U] I hate that b---- Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any Other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader b----. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I Would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#0000ff][U]SATURDAY [/U] Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up Catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. [/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#0000ff][U]SUNDAY [/U] I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go And thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a Gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy. [/COLOR] [/FONT][/COLOR]
