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Church Bulletins

kathydwells avatar
kathydwellsDarlene is my middle name, not my nickname
505 views
Too, Funny. :funn:

Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
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Replies

6
kathydwells avatar
kathydwellsDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
#2
:floor: :funn: :funn: :rolling:

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
ladybug8876 avatar
ladybug8876leslie lou
#3
These were great :clap_1: :clap_1: :funn:
Rita avatar
Ritamargarita brocolia
#4
:floor: This is some of the best stuff I've heard in a while!

Leno needs these. Reminds me of the book "Eats shoots and leaves"

Thank you for this one - woot!
Teresa avatar
TeresaSoWal Guide
#5
:floor: :funn: :funn: :rolling:

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :funn:
Beach Runner avatar
Beach Runnerbeats on hood
#6
Too funny. Reminds me of a true church story. My husband and daughter gave me a heart pin one Valentine's Day. I don't wear it frequently (not a pin person), but I remembered to wear it to church the next year on Valentine's weekend. Innocently (I swear) I wanted my daughter to notice this, so in church I whispered to her, "I have a heart on." Say it outloud. She had a shocked look on her face, I was puzzled and pointed to the pin, then she started dying laughing. When I realized why she was laughing, I started laughing. Then when I explained it to my puzzled husband, he started laughing. We had to leave church. To this day, whenever I wear that pin, I tell everyone that I have a heart on.

:floor:
Teresa avatar
TeresaSoWal Guide
#7
Too funny. Reminds me of a true church story. My husband and daughter gave me a heart pin one Valentine's Day. I don't wear it frequently (not a pin person), but I remembered to wear it to church the next year on Valentine's weekend. Innocently (I swear) I wanted my daughter to notice this, so in church I whispered to her, "I have a heart on." Say it outloud. She had a shocked look on her face, I was puzzled and pointed to the pin, then she started dying laughing. When I realized why she was laughing, I started laughing. Then when I explained it to my puzzled husband, he started laughing. We had to leave church. To this day, whenever I wear that pin, I tell everyone that I have a heart on.

:floor:

TO THE "Top This One" THREAD!!>>>>>>>>>>> just kidding!!!

I love this, and it is a good story for the "can you top this" thread about embarrassing or gross moments.

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