So I have this friend who's been my friend for about 20+ years. We used to live in the same town, but I moved away about 12 years ago and as always, we sorta drifted apart some, but always kept in touch and took trips together, upheld traditions, etc. She got married about 10 years ago to a guy who's a troll in my humble opinion, but I tried to be supportive and never said too much bad stuff about him. We've ALWAYS had this tradition at Christmas that I go to this town and we go around and visit various other friends and drink a bunch of wine and talk about the "Glory Days". I go there at other times of the year too and visit. It's always funn. During the whole time that I've lived away (60 miles), she has been to visit me ONE time. I'm ALWAYS the one who calls her. She uses hubby as an excuse. I know her phone number, she does not know mine. So.....last Christmas, I call her a week ahead of time and tell her that I will be down the day after her birthday to visit, give her her gifts, etc. Remember, this is a tradition. She tells me she's on vacation that week, but she'll be glad to see me, but she's gonna be shopping but should be home mid-afternoon. On the day of my visit, I see some other people while giving her time to finish her shopping. Finally, after about three hours, she calls me on my cell and says, "You're gonna kill me, I'm still shopping. Don't think I'll make it home any time soon". I say, "I guess I'll leave your gifts on your porch", she says, "No, I'll see you before Christmas", I say, "I doubt it". Haven't talked to her since. She's made no effort to contact, and has no idea that I was so pissed! NOW, today, I get a email from her just "checking in", wants me to meet her for lunch in a couple of weeks. I'm still pretty mad, but part of me says I should just let it go and not lose a friend. The other part of me thinks maybe I should heed Don Henley's words.........."Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge."
Sorry so long....I'm just really stressed over this!
Thoughts?
Replies
48
SoWal ExpertAuthor
you're right. i guess i would have understood more if I hadn't known she was on vacation and could have planned her shopping a little better. i know how crazy i am at christmas, but....well, like i said, she had a week's notice.
Beach Fanatic
DD, I have been mulling this over in my mind for the last couple of hours. Friends are precious, especially from your childhood. I'm with Mer on this. You obviously don't want the friendship to be over or you wouldn't be worried about it. I would meet her, but I would also tell her how you feel about the way things turned out the last time, you need to get it off your chest and she needs to hear it, then it's in her court. She needs to understand that she may treat others that way, but it's not going to fly with you. It's amazing how much backbone we developed as we get older. :clap_1: You are worth more than what she gave on your "scheduled" get together. 
Beach Fanatic
You mentioned that she uses hubby as an "excuse", I'm no expert in the field, but sounds like she may be co-dependant, if her actions were like that after she got married, guess I am some sort of an expert, have been co-dependant in the past.......with a man, and pushed all my friends to the side , doing what HE wants to do. But today.............nope, friends and family come first (within reason).....somehow just let her know how her actions have hurt you, because I'm sure all this BS isn't bothering her one bit.IF she really wants to have lunch with you and continue your relationship.........let her come to YOU, then you'll see how bad she wants your friendship........just my opinion for what it's worth, after all I'm just the newbie here
needs to get out more
i'm with dbuck on this, you need to tell her how you feel, face to face, at the lunch meeting. this can't be properly handled via email. and, don't take her presents, if things go badly, you'll just be pissed at yourself for taking them up. if things go well, and she takes your feelings to heart, she initiate another meeting and you can take them then. good luck, sucks losing a friend over bad manners.
SoWal ExpertAuthor
Thanks all.......I've gotten some good advice here. I think I told Mermaid that I'm usually the one giving advice to others, but I was just so mad for so long over this and the fact that she doesn't even have a clue made me even madder. Anyhoo, I appreciate all your suggestions, and I will meet her and very sweetly tell her how I feel. (No presents, either, JR--heck I gave them to someone else more deserving! and it was two less gifts I had to buy at Christmas!!
)
)Beach Lover
Just my 2 cents....but sometimes friendship just changes and is not what is was at an earlier time. Circumstances in ones lives change and our priorities are not what they once were. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just part of Life.
Remember the good times and learn from the relationship that you once had. In my opinion, a relationship that requires excessive strain, toil and worry is not a mutually healthy relationship. Real friends can be honest, understanding and considerate just because that's what they do...no effort or work.
Now, don't get me wrong I have some life long friends that I may not see nearly as often as I'd like, but they have always been the same kind of person year after year. I can pick up the phone and be right back to wherever we left off the last time. I also have a few folks that I once considered "friends", but over the years I have realized they were just passing through my life, not really staying forever. They added to my life at the time (hopefully I added something good to theirs, too), but in the end I probably wouldn't count them among my true "FRIENDS".
Maybe that would be a good thread .... "FRIENDS FOR LIFE?"
Now, for my advice....just do what you are totally comfortable with, but remember you can't make a person conform to your requirements. My mom's best advise has always been, "Just do the right thing and be nice."
Remember the good times and learn from the relationship that you once had. In my opinion, a relationship that requires excessive strain, toil and worry is not a mutually healthy relationship. Real friends can be honest, understanding and considerate just because that's what they do...no effort or work.
Now, don't get me wrong I have some life long friends that I may not see nearly as often as I'd like, but they have always been the same kind of person year after year. I can pick up the phone and be right back to wherever we left off the last time. I also have a few folks that I once considered "friends", but over the years I have realized they were just passing through my life, not really staying forever. They added to my life at the time (hopefully I added something good to theirs, too), but in the end I probably wouldn't count them among my true "FRIENDS".
Maybe that would be a good thread .... "FRIENDS FOR LIFE?"
Now, for my advice....just do what you are totally comfortable with, but remember you can't make a person conform to your requirements. My mom's best advise has always been, "Just do the right thing and be nice."
FunnChef - AlisonCooks.com
Just my 2 cents....but sometimes friendship just changes and is not what is was at an earlier time. Circumstances in ones lives change and our priorities are not what they once were. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just part of Life.:clap_1: :clap_1: :clap_1: "nicely put"
Remember the good times and learn from the relationship that you once had. In my opinion, a relationship that requires excessive strain, toil and worry is not a mutually healthy relationship. Real friends can be honest, understanding and considerate just because that's what they do...no effort or work.
Now, don't get me wrong I have some life long friends that I may not see nearly as often as I'd like, but they have always been the same kind of person year after year. I can pick up the phone and be right back to wherever we left off the last time. I also have a few folks that I once considered "friends", but over the years I have realized they were just passing through my life, not really staying forever. They added to my life at the time (hopefully I added something good to theirs, too), but in the end I probably wouldn't count them among my true "FRIENDS".
Maybe that would be a good thread .... "FRIENDS FOR LIFE?"
Now, for my advice....just do what you are totally comfortable with, but remember you can't make a person conform to your requirements. My mom's best advise has always been, "Just do the right thing and be nice."
SoWal Insider
Just my 2 cents....but sometimes friendship just changes and is not what is was at an earlier time. Circumstances in ones lives change and our priorities are not what they once were. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just part of Life.
Remember the good times and learn from the relationship that you once had. In my opinion, a relationship that requires excessive strain, toil and worry is not a mutually healthy relationship. Real friends can be honest, understanding and considerate just because that's what they do...no effort or work.
Now, don't get me wrong I have some life long friends that I may not see nearly as often as I'd like, but they have always been the same kind of person year after year. I can pick up the phone and be right back to wherever we left off the last time. I also have a few folks that I once considered "friends", but over the years I have realized they were just passing through my life, not really staying forever. They added to my life at the time (hopefully I added something good to theirs, too), but in the end I probably wouldn't count them among my true "FRIENDS".
Maybe that would be a good thread .... "FRIENDS FOR LIFE?"
Now, for my advice....just do what you are totally comfortable with, but remember you can't make a person conform to your requirements. My mom's best advise has always been, "Just do the right thing and be nice."
I couldn't agree more & you beat me to it.
You know, we always want what we used to have - - the way things used to be. And in some ways, I believe you've "outgrown" your friendship with her. Obviously very different priorities.
And I'd be very careful telling her how disappointed you've been in her, because she will not see it that way. You'll probably end up more frustrated than you already are.
There's nothing wrong with slowly ending a past relationship and moving on. Don't feel guilty. Cherish the good, funn times and don't let the frustration and disappointment continue to deteriorate the memories.
SoWal ExpertAuthor
Thanks, all! Will keep you advised of the result. 
SoWal Insider
DD, I agree with Oldtimer too. Well said. Friendships change over the years and just tell her how you feel and if she really wants to maintain the friendship, she will drive the 60 miles to see you.
BTW- if you drove 60 miles to see me, I would have made sure I was home from shopping and had a present for you too.
Invite her down to lunch and make some Spam
only kidding!
BTW- if you drove 60 miles to see me, I would have made sure I was home from shopping and had a present for you too.
Invite her down to lunch and make some Spam
only kidding!SoWal ExpertAuthor
DD, I agree with Oldtimer too. Well said. Friendships change over the years and just tell her how you feel and if she really wants to maintain the friendship, she will drive the 60 miles to see you.
BTW- if you drove 60 miles to see me, I would have made sure I was home from shopping and had a present for you too.
Invite her down to lunch and make some Spam
Awwww,
thanks, Mango!!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
I posted this a while back, but I think it is worth revisiting especially here in this thread. Good Luck with friend DD, it will work out the way it is supposed to.
PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
SoWal ExpertAuthor
I posted this a while back, but I think it is worth revisiting especially here in this thread. Good Luck with friend DD, it will work out the way it is supposed to.
PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Thanks, Darlene! Very timely. ;-)
SoWal Insider
Sorry I missed this thread this weekend. (Just back from Memphis and catching up) Ok I would certainly talk to her, she needs to know your feelings. You have nothing to lose by trying. The ball is in her court then. If she fails to respond to this in true friendship, then it may be best to leave it alone. You shouldn't have to do all the work in any relationship. I hope she is able to see what a good friend she has in you and how very lucky she is for it. But if she is unable to, that is her shortcoming and not yours. It is also her loss, that she will certainly regret one day. Hope it works out for you.
SoWal Insider
OK, I changed my mind. ;-) I say you we tie up her up to the back of the truck and throw her in the Grand Canyon when we do the Thelma, Lousie and Mango trip.
SoWal ExpertAuthor
OK, I changed my mind. ;-) I say you we tie up her up to the back of the truck and throw her in the Grand Canyon when we do the Thelma, Lousie and Mango trip.
SoWal ExpertAuthor
OK....so I ended up sending her an email and told her just how I felt---and her response was basically begging forgiveness, of course I will forgive her. Made me cry.
I don't think anything like this will happen again--she really acts devastated. Thanks to all of you for your suggestions....you're real pals--and you were right!
I don't think anything like this will happen again--she really acts devastated. Thanks to all of you for your suggestions....you're real pals--and you were right!picky
OK....so I ended up sending her an email and told her just how I felt---and her response was basically begging forgiveness, of course I will forgive her. Made me cry.
I'm glad I was right. A twenty year friendship is nothing to throw away on the red hot. You had every right to be angry at her, but you did the best thing in that you laid it all on the table...and she rose to the occasion. I think the two of you will get along just fine from now on. And I'm glad about that. :clap_1:
SoWal ExpertAuthor
I'm glad I was right. A twenty year friendship is nothing to throw away on the red hot. You had every right to be angry at her, but you did the best thing in that you laid it all on the table...and she rose to the occasion. I think the two of you will get along just fine from now on. And I'm glad about that. :clap_1:
I'm glad too! Thanks, Mer!
SoWal Insider
I'm so glad! Happy day! We all need friends in life.
Beach Fanatic
OK....so I ended up sending her an email and told her just how I felt---and her response was basically begging forgiveness, of course I will forgive her. Made me cry.
DD
ya! So glad this is the way things ended up. I too have a friend I have basically lost and I don't know if we will ever make amends. We were best friends from 7th grade until about 5 years ago. They moved out to the country almost to Oklahoma. I am the one who always seems to call. Sometimes I think the hell with it and then sometimes I think I should call her again. It's kindof weird. I know I have not changed, I am the same as always. Maybe you guys can give me some advise on this too?! I have many new friends and could let this go, but I do think of her from time to time and wonder what happened.
fartblossom
DD
cos, i too often think of my friend i recently parted ways with from work. i decided if she wanted to talk to me, she would get in touch, i was tired of putting forth the effort, and to me her silence speaks volumes. i wish we never had to lose touch with friends, but maybe it's just part of life huh ? i guess out with the old, in with the new...
SoWal ExpertAuthor
DD
Some good advice was offered here.....I say just go with your gut and do what will make you happy. I felt the same way about my friend, but hated for a long friendship to end. Maybe you should call--one more time--and just tell her how you feel, then leave the ball in her court.
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