New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Science & Technology
New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable
December 3, 2009 | Issue 45?49
New Device
SEATTLE?With the holiday shopping season officially under way, millions of consumers proceeded to their nearest commercial centers this week in hopes of acquiring the latest, and therefore most desirable, personal device.
"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device."
Added Wakefield, "The new device will retail for $395."
Able to remain operational for longer periods of time and occupy a demonstrably smaller three-dimensional space, the new device is so advanced when compared to the old device that it makes the old device appear much older than it actually is. However, the new device is reportedly not so radically different as to cause confusion or unwanted anxiety among those familiar with the feel of the old device.
"Its higher price indicates to me that it is superior, and that not everyone will be able to afford it, which only makes me want to possess it more," said Tim Sturges, owner of the old device, which he obtained 18 months ago when it was still the new device. "I feel a strong urge to purchase the new device. Owning the new device will please me and improve my daily life."
"It's difficult to remember how I ever found enjoyment in my old device," Sturges continued. "It is no longer appealing to the eye."
In addition to aesthetic and technological enhancements, manufacturers claim the new device comes equipped with a wide range of desirable features, including fewer buttons for pressing down and holding; a new wire for connecting to larger, less-portable devices; and fewer device-related errors and frustrations.
The new device will also be available in blue.
Replies
7
Admin
Can I get it gift wrapped?
SoWal InsiderAuthor
yes, giftwrapping is free once you subscribe to the device's web service. giftwrapping is available in only one color, blue.
Banned
This article is untrue. I purchased one of these last week and I'm here to tell you the old one is much better. While it does have fewer buttons for pressing down and holding than the old one what they don't tell you about the new one is you must press harder and hold longer. The new wire is much heavier and the blue is not a true shade of blue. Stay away from this piece of crap.
Beach Fanatic
Yep - and if you call to complain you get some guy in India.
Beach Fanatic
:O $395 for a new device? I'll keep my new, old one. ;p
Banned
Reminds me of George Carlin's advertising lullaby:
Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.
Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.
No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.
Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.
So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.
And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener.Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.
And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.
Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising d___ up your a__ a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass ****ing consumer!'
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.
Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.
No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.
Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.
So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.
And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener.Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.
And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.
Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising d___ up your a__ a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass ****ing consumer!'
SoWal InsiderAuthor
Reminds me of George Carlin's advertising lullaby:you are all diseased
Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.
Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.
No cash?No problem!No kidding!No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.
Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.
So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff.Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.
And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener.Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.It's our way of saying thank you.
And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.It's our way of
saying thank you.
Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising d___ up your a__ a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass ****ing consumer!'
Checking your forum account
Please wait while we verify your forum account.