The most recent pink-faced halfwit has reportedly captured the popular imagination through the conventional vehicles of a nationally syndicated talk-radio program and a cable news television show.
According to media analyst Rebecca Ellington, the pink-faced half-wit has mesmerized the nation by spewing out hundreds of predictably reactionary and emotionally manipulative on-air diatribes.
"This particular pink-faced half-wit is at the height of his persuasive powers," Ellington said of the bloated, hateful multimillionaire. "By exploiting citizens' greatest anxieties during an uncertain time in our nation's history, the pink-faced half-wit has been able to promote his own vain, avaricious self-interests under the guise of standing up for the very disenfranchised people whom he himself is fleecing."
"I've seen a number of pink-faced half-wits during my career, and in the pantheon of bombastic demagogues, this one will surely be remembered as one of the most disgusting," Ellington continued. "It's truly extraordinary: He may well be too ambitious and narcissistic to be able to comprehend how much damage he is doing to our country."
According to scholars, pink-faced half-wits have had remarkable staying power throughout history despite their outlandish, easily debunked claims, shameless self-promotion, and complete lack of credentials. More often than not, experts said, these pasty, shallow dullards skillfully manage to control debate on the most important social and political topics of the day.
"These jowly nitwits are characterized by their false sense of moral superiority, as evidenced by the rash of philandering TV evangelists from the 1980s," said Snider, referring to a subset of pink-faced half-wits who took advantage of people's faith in a higher power to steal millions of dollars from them. "In recent years, there has been a new breed of equally vociferous, foaming morons who espouse opposing viewpoints but use identical tactics: the prime example being that pink-faced Michael Moore half-wit."
Snider said most pink-faced half-wits eventually expose their nauseating, self-aggrandizing nature. He warned, however, that this is not always the case, and was careful to point out that the king of the pink-faced half-wits has, despite his hypocritical condemnations of drug abuse, weathered a very public OxyContin addiction, not to mention multiple statements of outright racism.
"Almost invariably, the pink-faced half-wit becomes so arrogant and self-important that he actually starts to believe the bull**** streaming from his fleshy hole and comes to think of himself as invincible," Snider said. "If history is any indication, this latest ruddy, pabulum-spewing cretin will likely have a homosexual affair come to light or otherwise perjure himself in a way that will alienate all but his most fanatical followers."
"Of course, there will be a new pink-faced halfwit to pick up the baton and employ oversimplified jingoistic polemics to once again enchant terrified people seeking easy answers," Snider added. "And America will be right there ready to eat it up."
Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
