SOUTHERN HUMOR - YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!
Kentucky :
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help .
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
*********************************************
Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked..
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"
****************************************************************
Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
****************************************************************
Tennessee :
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
*****************************************************************
And My Favorite:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
Replies
22
SoWal Guide
Got an any ID? flares!you are on a roll darlene!
Beach Fanatic
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
You are just bad Darlene. You know what they say about Kentucky. "Kentucky is the home of fast horses and pretty women" or is it "pretty horses and fast women." :scratch: ;-)
earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
You are just bad Darlene. You know what they say about Kentucky. "Kentucky is the home of fast horses and pretty women" or is it "pretty horses and fast women." :scratch: ;-)
SoWal Insider
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
I did show everyone in Kelly's bar my pretty new bra once after a night of margaritas. (Hey I was young, get off my back.) But I'd never do it for money, that just cheapens it.
bean
:clap_1:
picky
I did show everyone in Kelly's bar my pretty new bra once after a night of margaritas. (Hey I was young, get off my back.) But I'd never do it for money, that just cheapens it.
Hey, Lynne, as long as that pretty bra didn't go off your back in Kelly's bar, we'll go along with it.
Good jokes Darlene! But will someone who knows explain the Mississippee one to me? It makes perfect sense to me so what am I missing?
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
Hey, Lynne, as long as that pretty bra didn't go off your back in Kelly's bar, we'll go along with it.
Good jokes Darlene! But will someone who knows explain the Mississippee one to me? It makes perfect sense to me so what am I missing?
Mermy, Mermy, Mermy....it was his friends pickup truck!!!! Do you suppose he already knew what his license plate was? ;-)
Edited
SoWal Insider
Hey, Lynne, as long as that pretty bra didn't go off your back in Kelly's bar, we'll go along with it.
Good jokes Darlene! But will someone who knows explain the Mississippee one to me? It makes perfect sense to me so what am I missing?
Thanks, I knew I could count on you.picky
Mermy, Mermy, Mermy....it was his friends pickup truck!!!! Do you suppose he already knew what his license plate was? ;-)
I'm thick, sorry, but I still don't get it! It makes perfect sense to me that the guy would catch the plate number as it was driving out of the parking lot so how do you know it's his friend's car?
picky
Nevermind. Someone very kindly sent me a PM and explained it to me. 
bean
Nevermind. Someone very kindly sent me a PM and explained it to me.
God love ya.
margarita brocolia
Thanks for the laughs, KD!
fartblossom
SoWal Guide
Nevermind. Someone very kindly sent me a PM and explained it to me.
don't worry about it.
sometimes it just takes a while for something to click. especially at our age!!!!!! where is that perimenopause song someone posted recently???Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
God love ya.
and Bless Her Heart!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
Thanks for the laughs, KD!
Your welcome. ;-)
Beach Fanatic
I got one:
Lawyers should never ask a question if they don't already know the answer!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair"
Lawyers should never ask a question if they don't already know the answer!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair"
Beach Fanatic
I got one:
Lawyers should never ask a question if they don't already know the answer!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair"
Lawyers should never ask a question if they don't already know the answer!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair"
Beach Fanatic
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.
she looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a
million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her.
His note reads:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three
inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.
she looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a
million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her.
His note reads:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three
inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK
fartblossom
:funn:
SoWal Insider
Saved the best for last! :clap_1:
Beach Fanatic
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK
:funn:
got any pics?
Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked..
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"
I would bet my net worth (which isn't much) that this has happened more than once :funn:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked..
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"
I would bet my net worth (which isn't much) that this has happened more than once :funn:
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