Three Saturday Jokes

A shepard is looking at his herd of sheep, when suddenly a car, an enormous BMW, comes and stops close to him.
A tanned fashionably dressed young man carrying a lap top with satellite receiver jumps out of the car and asks:

"If I tell you haw many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

A bit puzzled, the shepard answers:

" Well, why not? just try."

"Ok!"
The yuppy connects to the internet and finds a web-site providing instant photos from the space, sends the coordinates he reads in the localizer of the car, retrieves the image of the herd, saves it on the lap top before uploading it again through the internet to a web-site that analyzes the photo and sends back a brochure of 150 pages, diagrams included. A really impressive work indeed once the young man prints the whole thing with his portable device.

Triumphantly the young man reads the last line in the last page of the report and says:

"You own 2723 sheep!"

"That's true." says the sheperd.

"May I choose my sheep then?"

"Sure, that was the deal."

The young grabs the closest animal and starts loading the car.

"Just a moment please," says the sheperd

"Yes?"

"If I guess your profession exactly, will you give me my beast?"

"Ok! I like a good bet sometimes!" answers the young.

"Ok let's see.....You are a free-lance industrial consultant."

"Damm! how did you know?"

"It was easy: You came although I never called you; you want to be paid for an info I knew before, and you know nothing about my business.

And now, please give me back my DOG!"


**********

A 90 year old man and his 90 year old wife sat on the porch on the night of their 70th wedding anniversary. The years had been good to them: she, a loving wife who'd raised their children at home, and he, a politician-- first a lawyer, then a judge, then a state representative.

As the couple rocked in their chairs, she turned to him and said "Henry, I have a confession. In our marraige I have been unfaithful to you three times." "Three times?!" was his incredulous reply. "Yes, but only to sustain our marriage and our life!" "I don't understand!"

She explained. "The first time was back when you were practicing law. You were just starting out and I remember you had a big case. You were representing that man whose insurance company wouldn't pay his benefits. Remember the claims adjuster who just woldn't budge? Well, I . . . convinced him to see things your way."

"Doris! I can't believe it! But, well, I guess you thought you were helping me out."

"Well, the second time was when you were running for the bench, and you wanted the endorsement of the mayor and he just couldn't see things your way. All of a sudden he was supporting you . . ."

"Oh Doris! Not the mayor! well, It did work out for the best. What, tell me, was the third time?"

"Well, remember when you needed 57 votes in the House to support your Bill . . .?"

**********************

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to out of the country on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against! a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire?? What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"