A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers'
license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Replies
20
Beach Fanatic
:floor: :floor:
Beach Fanatic
:laughing1
Two nuns driving back to convent after a Halloween Midnight Mass. Pulled up at a T-junction in the middle of nowhere, totally lost. They heard a rustle in the trees, follwed by a bump and looked up to see a shadowy figure crawling up the hood.
Realizing they had chanced on an encounter with a Vampire, Petrified, the nuns started praying, but this only made the Vampire angry. Then one said to the other "Have you any of that Holy Water left?"
She reached into her bag, unscrewed the top, rolled the window down and shook what was left at the Vampire. He erupted with rage, snarling even louder and with his with bloodshot eyes, they grew more afraid.
One nun glanced at the other's Rosary beads - "Show him your cross" - she exclaimed With that she rolled down the window and shouted - "Get off the Fu**ing Car!!!!"
Two nuns driving back to convent after a Halloween Midnight Mass. Pulled up at a T-junction in the middle of nowhere, totally lost. They heard a rustle in the trees, follwed by a bump and looked up to see a shadowy figure crawling up the hood.
Realizing they had chanced on an encounter with a Vampire, Petrified, the nuns started praying, but this only made the Vampire angry. Then one said to the other "Have you any of that Holy Water left?"
She reached into her bag, unscrewed the top, rolled the window down and shook what was left at the Vampire. He erupted with rage, snarling even louder and with his with bloodshot eyes, they grew more afraid.
One nun glanced at the other's Rosary beads - "Show him your cross" - she exclaimed With that she rolled down the window and shouted - "Get off the Fu**ing Car!!!!"
Beach Fanatic
sweet :lolabove:
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
:laughing1
Two nuns driving back to convent after a Halloween Midnight Mass. Pulled up at a T-junction in the middle of nowhere, totally lost. They heard a rustle in the trees, follwed by a bump and looked up to see a shadowy figure crawling up the hood.
Realizing they had chanced on an encounter with a Vampire, Petrified, the nuns started praying, but this only made the Vampire angry. Then one said to the other "Have you any of that Holy Water left?"
She reached into her bag, unscrewed the top, rolled the window down and shook what was left at the Vampire. He erupted with rage, snarling even louder and with his with bloodshot eyes, they grew more afraid.
One nun glanced at the other's Rosary beads - "Show him your cross" - she exclaimed With that she rolled down the window and shouted - "Get off the Fu**ing Car!!!!"
You so funny!!!!!!
got any pics?
:laughing1
Two nuns driving back to convent after a Halloween Midnight Mass. Pulled up at a T-junction in the middle of nowhere, totally lost. They heard a rustle in the trees, follwed by a bump and looked up to see a shadowy figure crawling up the hood.
Realizing they had chanced on an encounter with a Vampire, Petrified, the nuns started praying, but this only made the Vampire angry. Then one said to the other "Have you any of that Holy Water left?"
She reached into her bag, unscrewed the top, rolled the window down and shook what was left at the Vampire. He erupted with rage, snarling even louder and with his with bloodshot eyes, they grew more afraid.
One nun glanced at the other's Rosary beads - "Show him your cross" - she exclaimed With that she rolled down the window and shouted - "Get off the Fu**ing Car!!!!"
LMAO!:floor:
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
DYING MAFIOSO
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambini.
"Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!"
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambini.
"Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!"
Beach Fanatic
DYING MAFIOSOhoot! :laughing1
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambini.
"Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!"
lova da spallin :clap_1:
SoWal Insider
hoot! :laughing1
lova da spallin :clap_1:
"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today,
I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today".
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go work. You try this. Two hours later
Hung Chow calls again.
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got
nice house."
SoWal Expert
"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"Oh my, that is funny! :floor:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today,
I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today".
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go work. You try this. Two hours later
Hung Chow calls again.
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got
nice house."
Beach Fanatic
Hopefully this doesn't offend anyone. I myself am the product of 12 years of Catholic schooling (and had my share of ruller-slaps-on-the-hand, ear pull, etc 😀 ) Just got this one from a friend....I'm still rolling on the floor! :floor:
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock was missing!!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning..
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock was missing!!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning..
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
Beach Fanatic
Hopefully this doesn't offend anyone. I myself am the product of 12 years of Catholic schooling (and had my share of ruller-slaps-on-the-hand, ear pull, etc 😀 ) Just got this one from a friend....I'm still rolling on the floor! :floor:Catholics always sport the best Catholic jokes 😀 (and have the coldest beer - just check my fridge ;-) )
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock was missing!!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning..
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
Admin
:shock: I took cock off the censor list cause cocktail kept getting zapped. Maybe I should add it back?
Beach Fanatic
:shock: I took cock off the censor list cause cocktail kept getting zapped. Maybe I should add it back?
:lolabove:
got any pics?
Hopefully this doesn't offend anyone. I myself am the product of 12 years of Catholic schooling (and had my share of ruller-slaps-on-the-hand, ear pull, etc 😀 ) Just got this one from a friend....I'm still rolling on the floor! :floor:
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock was missing!!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning..
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
:shock: :floor:
Beach Fanatic
:shock: I took cock off the censor list cause cocktail kept getting zapped. Maybe I should add it back?then you'd be left with only tail :clap_1:
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
Last one....and I sure hope it doesn't offend anyone...It was just too funny not to share!!!!
PULLIN' OUT
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."
PULLIN' OUT
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."
SoWal Guide
Hopefully this doesn't offend anyone. I myself am the product of 12 years of Catholic schooling (and had my share of ruller-slaps-on-the-hand, ear pull, etc 😀 ) Just got this one from a friend....I'm still rolling on the floor! :floor:
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock was missing!!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning..
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
HA!!!! :floor:
Beach Fanatic
Last one....and I sure hope it doesn't offend anyone...It was just too funny not to share!!!!
PULLIN' OUT
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."
:floor: :laughing1 :floor:
Beach Comber
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out!, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out!, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
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