I think there a quite a few of us on the board, so I thought I would share a couple of things with you guys.
A DOG'S PRAYER
by Beth Norman Harris
Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.
Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshipper.
Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst.
Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready to protect you with my life should your life be in danger.
And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest ---- and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.
Letters to GOD from Dogs:
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed can't have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, does he still get his ass whacked with a newspaper?
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to do that stupid shake hands trick to get in?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the horny beagle across the street.
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize to them?
Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the accident on the carpet thing, again?
Replies
12
Beach Fanatic
How to bathe a cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
bean
:laughing1 :laughing1 :rofl: :laughing1 :laughing1
Beach Fanatic
How to bathe a cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
:laughing1 :floor: :floor:
Meow
Thank you Kathy...loved it! I'm still loving every minute with 9 week old Molly, but I'll remember those words when I step in her poopoo in bare feet!!! It's bound to happen...although WE are getting really well trained and she mostly does our bidding!
Beach Fanatic
Thank you Kathy...loved it! I'm still loving every minute with 9 week old Molly, but I'll remember those words when I step in her poopoo in bare feet!!! It's bound to happen...although WE are getting really well trained and she mostly does our bidding!
You haven't lived until you hit a fresh pile with the weedeater. Let me tell you, you'll never forget the moment. :shock:
SoWal Insider
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
I can SO relate to every word of this.....what is it about the bathroom? I come home from work, I gotta go...I have a Jack Russell that really thinks he needs to be in there with me, so I run as fast as I can to get there, I think I am alone, I close the door and turn around...and there he is right behind me smiling...I don't get it...how does he do that? and why?
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
So funny...LL!!!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
Thank you Kathy...loved it! I'm still loving every minute with 9 week old Molly, but I'll remember those words when I step in her poopoo in bare feet!!! It's bound to happen...although WE are getting really well trained and she mostly does our bidding!
Sue, I had a Dobie for 12 years, her name was Molly. I got her at 6 weeks old, I loved (still do) her to death. I know what you mean about the training. I have 2 rescues now, I finally have them trained, but man I am still tired. Got up in the middle of the night with them, just like a baby. Wouldn't trade them for the world though. I sure hope you alway's enjoy your fur baby...what unconditional love they give us!!!!!
SoWal Insider
I can SO relate to every word of this.....what is it about the bathroom? I come home from work, I gotta go...I have a Jack Russell that really thinks he needs to be in there with me, so I run as fast as I can to get there, I think I am alone, I close the door and turn around...and there he is right behind me smiling...I don't get it...how does he do that? and why?
I have 2 of them to fight off. I can't sneak and get in by myself. Go figure.:idontno:
Small price to pay for such loyal and undying devotion.:wub:
margarita brocolia
.....what is it about the bathroom? I have a Jack Russell that really thinks he needs to be in there with me, ...I don't get it...how does he do that? and why?
:lolabove: That's our corgi too! Thought it was just a quirk with our dog.
Beach Fanatic
My younger dog's best friend is the Corgi next door.
Mastiff owner here, two of them: I've got about 300 pounds of dog.
You know you have a BIG dog when...
You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
Stopped at a light, all stare as car rocks because the dog is panting out window.
It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
(This happened to my younger son more than once.)
The pizza delivery people arrange to meet you at the end of the sidewalk.
You keep at least one colorcoded ?drool towel? in every room of your house.
You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"(I can't tell you how many times this has happened, and it's obvious that everyone always thinks they are the first person to utter this clever remark!)
Mastiff owner here, two of them: I've got about 300 pounds of dog.
You know you have a BIG dog when...
You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
Stopped at a light, all stare as car rocks because the dog is panting out window.
It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
(This happened to my younger son more than once.)
The pizza delivery people arrange to meet you at the end of the sidewalk.
You keep at least one colorcoded ?drool towel? in every room of your house.
You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"(I can't tell you how many times this has happened, and it's obvious that everyone always thinks they are the first person to utter this clever remark!)
Checking your forum account
Please wait while we verify your forum account.