Long....but worth the read. I LMAO.
You may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday
- the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Replies
13
Beach Fanatic
This made me laugh out loud 
thanks so much!!
thanks so much!!
SoWal Expert
FAR too accurrate - hence my horror at the whole Senator Craig issue!
hmmmm......can't remember
Is anyone else ever tempted to just stand over the drain in the floor?
Beach Fanatic
Is anyone else ever tempted to just stand over the drain in the floor?
Meow
...on my! Thanks...you have reminded me to pack correctly for our upcoming journey through the nation's underbelly of toilets!!!
SoWal Expert
Roaring with laughter!!! Thanks, Darlene! Every word is true! Miss Kitty, when you arrive in SoWal, pm and give me the bottom line on the terlets throughout the south! 
SoWal Insider
Never tried the purse around the neck bit because I would tip over. I usually try to balance it on the empty toity paper rolll dispenser.Meow
...omg! A good Southern woman learns to wear her purse ACROSS her body or leave it on her left shoulder!!! ;-) I just put an extra mini Kleenex in my purse. 
Beach Fanatic
Is anyone else ever tempted to just stand over the drain in the floor?
Once when I was really young and drunk.
Quite a sight for all.
SoWal Insider
Is anyone else ever tempted to just stand over the drain in the floor?
No but I've used the mensroom when the ladies line was tooo long. It was either that or someone was going to need a mop. It was at a Cher concert so I doubt any of those guys cared. (Please no laughing on the Cher thing, it was a BLAST, gay guys will dance anywhere!)
hmmmm......can't remember
No but I've used the mensroom when the ladies line was tooo long. It was either that or someone was going to need a mop. It was at a Cher concert so I doubt any of those guys cared. (Please no laughing on the Cher thing, it was a BLAST, gay guys will dance anywhere!)
Laugh? I'm jealous!!!
SoWal Insider
Laugh? I'm jealous!!!
I knew I liked you.
SoWal Expert
No judgment here, I've led a frustrated charge to take over the men's room quite a few times!
Why they don't just put more stalls in the women's room is beyond me.........nothing more annoying than when the guys can go to the bathroom and be back in the time it takes your line to just move forward! I've got the same plumbing and can't figure out what takes women so long.
Why they don't just put more stalls in the women's room is beyond me.........nothing more annoying than when the guys can go to the bathroom and be back in the time it takes your line to just move forward! I've got the same plumbing and can't figure out what takes women so long.
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