Last fall I was asked to play the piano at a memorial service for a lady in my church. I had only met her once or twice, but she was greatly loved and respected and I was honored to do it. Her husband requested that I play the old hymns, so I went through my old hymnbook and marked twenty or so.
When I got to the church, some of her friends and family were already there, so I went ahead and started playing. I have to admit that I was enjoying myself in a quiet sort of way. I was raised on those hymns, and if you can filter out all of the hogwash that Christians have imposed on Christianity, the bones of it can be quite beautiful.
The service began and ended, and I played for a few more minutes as the family left. The following week I received a letter from her husband, thanking me tenderly for my services. The check he enclosed was more than generous.
I just got back from the mailbox. I had another envelope from him with another check. He must be in his eighties, so my first thought was that he forgot he paid me a year ago.
Then I read the letter. I am copying it verbatim, with his italics and underlining:
"One year ago today, you played for Anne's Memorial Service.
Your music was beautiful. And, it was just like Anne would have wanted you to play.
Enclosed is an additional honorarium. I never did think that the initial one was adequate.
Thank you again for your superb contribution to Anne's Memorial Service, which I continue to remember with great appreciation.
Sincerely, "
I'm undone by this sort of generosity and gratitude; I'm not sure I deserve it!
This is what makes funerals so hard...The first time I played for one, the family sent me money. Their 20-something year old son had died suddenly from pneumonia. I asked my pastor about it--I hated to take money from a grieving family. He told me that they paid me because they were grateful, but that it would be perfectly alright for me to write them a note in return. (Normally one doesn't send a thank you note for payment of services rendered.)
As strange as it is to thank someone for a thank you, I can hardly not thank him. I am tempted to use the money to honor her memory...
What says the wisdom of SoWal?
Replies
21
SoWal Insider
You are dealing with kind, caring people. Any further expression on your part would be welcomed but not expected, because these folks have highly evolved manners.
Beach Fanatic
Oh..this is so touching. I believe you deserve this gift. You gave him something worth so much that he remembers you and we know music can touch us very deeply. That is beautiful. You both have been given a gift.
SoWal Insider
I agree with both above posts. This is why you're a musician in the first place. Your love of music and sharing it with others. Funerals are hard - - but the weddings will balance it.
Your intuition is to return the generosity to this lovely gentleman. Write him a note expressing how you feel & how much it has touched you. It will mean the world to him.
Now, on to the business side - as an underpaid musician, do what you feel you should do. But there is nothing wrong in keeping this additional $$. This will continue to happen throughout your career. Feel honored & thankful but remember you need to pay your bills. Otherwise, you'll need to find another profession. ;-)
Your intuition is to return the generosity to this lovely gentleman. Write him a note expressing how you feel & how much it has touched you. It will mean the world to him.
Now, on to the business side - as an underpaid musician, do what you feel you should do. But there is nothing wrong in keeping this additional $$. This will continue to happen throughout your career. Feel honored & thankful but remember you need to pay your bills. Otherwise, you'll need to find another profession. ;-)
Beach Fanatic
NoHall, I tried to put myself in his shoes and decided if it were me I would want you to do something for yourself in her honor. I think a thank you card is now appropriate with words of comfort as it must be near the first anniversary. Enjoy, you deserve it....or if it makes you feel better help another........"Pass it on". 
I applaud your gift of music!
I applaud your gift of music! Beach Fanatic
NoHall, I tried to put myself in his shoes and decided if it were me I would want you to do something for yourself in her honor. I think a thank you card is now appropriate with words of comfort as it must be near the first anniversary. Enjoy, you deserve it....or if it makes you feel better help another........"Pass it on".
Beach Fanatic
Nohall,
Whatever decision you make will be the right one. That is the beauty of gifts. I believe a true gift is always free. Honor it in whatever way you will and as long as you continue to honor it, it will feel free to come back to you.
Whatever decision you make will be the right one. That is the beauty of gifts. I believe a true gift is always free. Honor it in whatever way you will and as long as you continue to honor it, it will feel free to come back to you.
Edited
SoWal Expert
Write the beautiful thank you note that I know you can write, take the money to NYC, and have a blast! Gifts are gifts- whether they are money, things, love, good health, etc. Enjoy the money- and remember the sweet old man that gave it to you always!
FunnChef - AlisonCooks.com
Write the beautiful thank you note that I know you can write, take the money to NYC, and have a blast! Gifts are gifts- whether they are money, things, love, good health, etc. Enjoy the money- and remember the sweet old man that gave it to you always!Good words, Jdarg!
Let him know what playing during the funeral meant to you, too!
Beach Fanatic
That's a little thing that means so much to both of you. Keep it.Yeah tell him what you just told us, about 'the bones' of the hymns and even though you met his wife only once or twice you were compelled and honored You know exactly what to say,;-) I bet. 
Graciously accept your gift, and your little note will just light up his day. If you had time, though ,what would probably be the most appreciated if you just stopped by to say hi. Old folks can be so lonely. Don't take the money with you though. They want you to have it.
You know exactly what to say,;-) I bet. Graciously accept your gift, and your little note will just light up his day. If you had time, though ,what would probably be the most appreciated if you just stopped by to say hi. Old folks can be so lonely. Don't take the money with you though. They want you to have it.
percy
NoHall, I have sent thank you's for thank you's before--there are times when it's just "right".
Christini Zambini
Perhaps he is a little lonely right now and could use a little note or a quick visit and a plate of cookies. Those closest to the deceased are usually alone in their grief. The rest of us may be sad, but soon get over it and get on with our lives. It is obvious that he thinks daily of his wife.
Beach Fanatic
Agreed with all; most especially CCK.... Speaking from TOO MUCH experience; even in the Church; time changes and people forget.... One NEVER forgets the emotional/psychological pain of loosing a loved one;
Seems after a few weeks people forget and carry on as usual; loosing your spouse is probably the most complicated thing in the world; remembering those who made the closure complete and special usually lasts a lifetime
Follow your instincts NH!
Seems after a few weeks people forget and carry on as usual; loosing your spouse is probably the most complicated thing in the world; remembering those who made the closure complete and special usually lasts a lifetime
Follow your instincts NH! Perhaps he is a little lonely right now and could use a little note or a quick visit and a plate of cookies. Those closest to the deceased are usually alone in their grief. The rest of us may be sad, but soon get over it and get on with our lives. It is obvious that he thinks daily of his wife.
Beach Fanatic
That's beautiful! The last funeral I had to arrange, I had an old black man sing a couple of spirituals acapella. It was awesome.
Beach Fanatic
Definitely keep it for yourself. You deserve it, or he would not have sent it. You obviously gave him a memory he cherishes and was comforted by your selections.
He might have even wanted to give you more initially, which he indicated in his note, and was not able to at that time. However he might be in a position now where he is and wants you to have it.
A note letting him know you recieved the note and how much it meant to you would be greatly appreciated I am sure.
Since he sent this to you on the one year of the service I am sure it meant alot to him to do this for you.
He might have even wanted to give you more initially, which he indicated in his note, and was not able to at that time. However he might be in a position now where he is and wants you to have it.
A note letting him know you recieved the note and how much it meant to you would be greatly appreciated I am sure.
Since he sent this to you on the one year of the service I am sure it meant alot to him to do this for you.
hmmmm......can't rememberAuthor
I especially liked the suggestion about the plate of cookies. He lives in a retirement village just two miles from me, and even though I'm sure he has people around him I got the feeling from the note that this first anniversary is hitting him hard.
I knew I asked the right bunch. Thank you all for chiming in!
I knew I asked the right bunch. Thank you all for chiming in!
Beach Fanatic
NoHall , can't you sleep? well try anyway so you can hit the pavement running again tomorrow!!Have funn gull..
Beach Fanatic
Receive it graciously and pay it forward!
hmmmm......can't rememberAuthor
NoHall , can't you sleep? well try anyway so you can hit the pavement running again tomorrow!!Have funn gull..
Not insomnia...we didn't get back to the apartment until after midnight, and the guy's roommate had friends over! Yuck...
Taking it easy tonight, though. I've had a really amazing day!
SoWal Expert
How wonderful for you to know just how much your playing meant to him! I think the advice to send him a note/visit because he is probably lonely is right on the money. Warm fuzzies all around!
Beach Lover
Wow! How sweet.
Trust me, the man probably gets some sort of help with his grief by taking care of you and thanking you in this way.
I lady I was just there for when her mother was passing gave me $100 out of the blue one day. I was speechless.
But, I think it made her feel good to give it to me.
What a nice thing!
Trust me, the man probably gets some sort of help with his grief by taking care of you and thanking you in this way.
I lady I was just there for when her mother was passing gave me $100 out of the blue one day. I was speechless.
But, I think it made her feel good to give it to me.
What a nice thing!
Beach Fanatic
Speaking from personal experience...
The sensitivity of your beautiful music gift to him & his beloved Ann touched him SO DEEPLY HE WILL NEVER FORGET the comfort it brought ... and he sincerely feels he can never sufficiently gift YOU in return.
He would cherish a return note telling him your feelings while playing for his Ann...because the 1 year anniversary is ...awful. The immediate shock has worn away & the cold reality of missing her is in full bloom.
A "pay-it-forward" idea: invite him to come listen to you play, perhaps in honor of his wife's memory those favorite old hymns, for terminally ill children at the hospital or hospice.
What a wonderful gift you have!
The sensitivity of your beautiful music gift to him & his beloved Ann touched him SO DEEPLY HE WILL NEVER FORGET the comfort it brought ... and he sincerely feels he can never sufficiently gift YOU in return.
He would cherish a return note telling him your feelings while playing for his Ann...because the 1 year anniversary is ...awful. The immediate shock has worn away & the cold reality of missing her is in full bloom.
A "pay-it-forward" idea: invite him to come listen to you play, perhaps in honor of his wife's memory those favorite old hymns, for terminally ill children at the hospital or hospice.
What a wonderful gift you have!
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