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Friday Funnies!

kathydwells avatar
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
1,019 views1
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

____________________________________________
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress."

"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with him many times a week & satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

_______________________________________________________

Replies

15
RiverOtter avatar
got any pics?
#2
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

____________________________________________
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress."

"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with him many times a week & satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

_______________________________________________________

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/attachment.do?attachmentId=404&ts=1128100167308&s=8AD60F704F87BF5806F81D6A22E833AC55176DEF


Now that's funny!! :floor:
picky
#3
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"!

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.



Tell this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!


And tell it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!




Oh, and before we forget


"Whatever"

...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Landlocked avatar
Beach Fanatic
#4
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone with a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no, it's just ice cream."
kathydwells avatar
Darlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
#5
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone with a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no, it's just ice cream."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :floor: :floor: :floor:
Miss Kitty avatar
Meow
#6
Help...I have the hiccups!!! Stop it!
Suncat avatar
Beach Fanatic
#7
:lolabove:
My Friday Funny:

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body so they sent for his 2 best friends, Cletus and Gomer. The 3 men had always done everything together.

Cletus arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cletus said
"Yep, his face is burnt up purty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cletus said "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange, so he brought in Gomer to see if he could identify the body.

Gomer took a look and said "Yup, he's burnt up purty durn bad, Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over.

Gomer said "Nope, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes??" the mortician said.

"Yep, everyone knew he had 2 a**holes cause evertime we went into town, folks would say "Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes!"
CastlesOfSand avatar
Beach Fanatic
#8
:floor: Thanks ya'll I needed a good laugh today!! :floor:
bsmart avatar
brain
#9
Funny story regarding a rip in the crotch of my pants...I once had to return the same style khaki pants to Banana Republic twice, because my washer ripped the crotch out twice...Well the girl who did the exchange on both occasions says to me after the second time "Not to be crude or anything, but what exaclty are you keeping in there? (refering to my crotch area)" I blushed and said, "Oh no my washer did this both times!"

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
Landlocked avatar
Beach Fanatic
#10
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth
and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close
his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers,
placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened
his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it! a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.....

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer
bottle."
Beach Fanatic
#11
One German, One Japanese and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Hillbilly finally said------- "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!
picky
#12
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with
friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry
in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 or even 60 years of your life, is
now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on
this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.l
ktschris avatar
Beach Fanatic
#13
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth
and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close
his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers,
placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened
his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it! a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.....

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer
bottle."


:rofl: I like that one alot!
Miss Kitty avatar
Meow
#14
Excellent work funny people!
CastlesOfSand avatar
Beach Fanatic
#15
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with
friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry
in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 or even 60 years of your life, is
now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on
this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.l

Cute one Mermaid!! :clap_1:
BigR avatar
Beach Comber
#16
2 blondes are in a Starbucks
1 is reading the paper
The headline reads: "Two Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Iraq"
She leans over to the other blonde and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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