In catalog form (they photoshopped the photos; I'm not bored enough to go to all that trouble!):
JACK BAUER SCHOOL OF EVANGELISM: 24 Souls in 24 hours!
No more Mr. Nice Witness! Hey, the times have changed and so should our tactics for getting folks into the Kingdom! Let Jack Bauer show you how. Attend this one-week intensive seminar and your whole neighborhood will be quaking with the Fear of the Lord...or else! Let's face it, we haven't gotten very far just smiling a lot and acting like we have our act together all the time. We gotta get serious! Learn the valuable techniques of Gospel Gunmanship, Bible Billy Clubs, Rifle Repentance, Spiritual Sparring, and for you Baptists, Water Boarding for Christ. You'll be reporting victories back at CTU (Christian Tallying Unit).
Bauer Evangelist School......................................$2,424.00
Practice Safe Sects with Trojan Bible Studies
If you're a parent or even just a nervous spouse, you know the fear that maybe your loved one is "out there" fooling around with sects. Don't let them go out unprotected! Peculiar People has joined forces with Trojan Bible Studies to make sure you and anyone else in your family can withstand the temptation that we all know comes with an overexposure to sects. Don't let the World Impregnate them with the wrong notions!
Trojan Studies (Weekend pack).......................$69.00
Shrink Those Cares and Woes with New Preparation H for your Church
You know who we're talking about! There are some members of the Body who are...well...swollen...beyond healthy proportions. Furthermore they can be a real pain in the assets when considering the vitality of your congregation. Just apply Peculiar People's Preparation H for Your Church in the right places and you'll see your problems shrivel up in no time!
Presbyterian Preparation H................................$19.99
Joel Osteen MetroSexual Man's Hygiene Products
Hey guys, in case you haven't noticed...it's the 21st Century not 2100 B.C.! It's not cool or Christian to be tough, manly, sweaty, crude or rude. Let sweet Joel Osteen lead you to a new you...you can Become a Better Looking You! Take a look at your hair. Does it stand up on your forehead and gently wave back? How 'bout those teeth? Do they shine like the North Star in a dark sports arena? Dry skin? Does the texture of your skin simulate the smoothness of a baby's bottom? How about that voice? Is it smooth and soothing, never angry, never manly, yet never quite gay? Well, as we think you can see--you have a need for Joel's help!
Sweet Joel's Hygiene Kit......................................$44.77
Don't Let the Kids Have All the Fun...Play Churchkinz!
Now it's your turn to run things! Just buy the church member doll of your choice and then enter the serial number on our Churchkinz website. Once entered your doll becomes a virtual parishioner you can control, yell at, hit, starve or cuss at. Dolls available: Dennis Deacon, Elder Elmo, Martha Music Minister, Gossip Gelda, Hot Head Harry, Co-Dependent Connie, Talkative Tommy, End Times Timothy, Legalistic Lou and many, many more.
Churchkinz Doll and Website Pass.......................$122.59
New ECTV DVDs for the Christian Family
Desperate PastorsWives...the PotLuck Dinner will never be the same!
Watch out Church...they're mad as H3!! and they're not taking it anymore! See what goes on behind the scenes as ECTV takes you into the crazy, frustrating, wacky, strange, maddening, horrifying and sometimes holy world of the Desperate PastorsWives. You'll think twice before asking these women to volunteer!
PastorsWives DVD................................................$89.51
(and one for SJ)
Benny Hinn holsts the most holy game show: Heal or No Heal!
Yes, let Benny work his illusions...er...we mean...uh...magic...er...well, his spiritual gifts as he hosts the popular game show which decides who will leave the studio with complete healing or just a "positive confession" of healing. Either way you will be amazed at the amounts of cash that pass from brief case to brief case but still somehow always ends up in Benny's pockets! Fun for the whole family...especially those with one leg shorter than the other!
Heal or No Heal DVD............................................$39.84
Bonus service: Attorneys for Mega-Wealthy Preachers: The Firm of Lou Poles, Shel Terr, & Moore
What's a poor multi-millionaire minister of the Gospel to do? Just when your Lear Jet is paid for, your 12 million dollar mansion is renovated and your ministry just treated your daughter to a Senior Class trip to the Bahamas...that pesky I.R.S. comes calling. And they have the nerve to question your dedication to Jesus!! Get on our client list...we'll find the loopholes and shelters and more!
Retainer...............................................................$1500.00
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