Replies
19
Beach Fanatic
How true is that.....
SoWal Expert
I can see quite a few of your spunky girl attitudes in this joke! You gotta love this mother of the bride!!!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
Meow
Funny funny!!! jdarg...that's JUSTICE!!!!
SoWal Insider
I can see quite a few of your spunky girl attitudes in this joke! You gotta love this mother of the bride!!!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
The ULTIMATE! Good one jdarg!
picky
This one's an old chestnut but every time someone sends it to me I love it even more:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, ..2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, ..2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.
SoWal Expert
See? Engineers CAN be funny!!! Although I do admit the majority are not very funny, but at least the ones with ties to this board are!
picky
See? Engineers CAN be funny!!! Although I do admit the majority are not very funny, but at least the ones with ties to this board are!
Our two husbands, of course. ;-) :clap_1:
SoWal Expert
Our two husbands, of course. ;-) :clap_1:
Of course! Does Merman like really bad puns, and does he inflict them on others? Bdarg does this.... :roll:
quirtyAuthor
Of course! Does Merman like really bad puns, and does he inflict them on others? Bdarg does this.... :roll:
I have a brother-in-law with a PhD in Chemistry and he is the "punniest" guy I know! Maybe he was supposed to be an engineer?
picky
Of course! Does Merman like really bad puns, and does he inflict them on others? Bdarg does this.... :roll:
No, no puns (I'm sometimes guilty of them and it's even worse because I laugh at my own jokes
). Merman is a stealth bomber of the comedian world. He's really quiet--hard to get a word in edgewise when there's a Mermaid around--and then, wop! when you least expect it he delivers a one-liner that takes your breath away. The man has an amazing element of surprise in him. Keeps me on my toes. 
Meow
No, no puns (I'm sometimes guilty of them and it's even worse because I laugh at my own jokes
PawPaw is a mechanical engineer with a chemical degree. He is the funniest man I have ever met!!!
Mr. Kitty (no moaning) is an attorney and is much like Merman! Hmmmm....perhaps it's the old saying...Opposites do attract!!!
Puns???? Me????
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Those were great!!!! I have a couple to share!
The Wailing Wall
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about
a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray,
twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you
been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and
the Muslims. I pray for all thr hatred to stop and I pray for all our
children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuc**** wall."
_____________________________________________________
The Costume Party
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, ?Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!
The Wailing Wall
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about
a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray,
twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you
been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and
the Muslims. I pray for all thr hatred to stop and I pray for all our
children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuc**** wall."
_____________________________________________________
The Costume Party
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, ?Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!
picky
Puns???? Me????
Admit it, Miss Kitty! Make a full confession!
Meow
Admit it, Miss Kitty! Make a full confession!
I, Miss Kitty, fully admit to uttering some of the worst puns known to mankind. But, I don't like it, I LOVE it!!!!!!
SoWal Insider
Only good one in the dozens of useless emails I got today:I loved your joke! Pretty cute!
SoWal Expert
I, Miss Kitty, fully admit to uttering some of the worst puns known to mankind. But, I don't like it, I LOVE it!!!!!!
You and Bdarg in the same room, on a pun jag, would about kill me!!!
Funnkalicious
Only good one in the dozens of useless emails I got today:We get calls about that all day and all night...about Macy's bringing Christmast back.
I went to see the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular and at the end they did a huge living nativity scene. It was actually amazing...but I thought wasn't too PC for NYC
Beach Fanatic
RiverOtter gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar.
The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why RiverOtter is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b*lls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks inside and says, "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why RiverOtter is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b*lls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks inside and says, "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Meow
RiverOtter gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar.
The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why RiverOtter is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b*lls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks inside and says, "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Squeeeeeeeeeeeze play!!!
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