Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Business
Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs
February 9, 2010 | Issue 46?06
Walmart
BENTONVILLE, AR?Retail giant Wal-Mart has announced in recent weeks that, effective immediately, it is cutting as many as 13,000 of what it somehow has the audacity to refer to as "jobs" from its corporate payroll.
According to Wal-Mart representatives, the, for lack of a better word, positions will be cut from the company's underperforming Sam's Club division. Analysts reported that Monday's layoffs marked one of the largest so-called downsizings of what can hardly even be termed employment in the company's history.
"Obviously, it is a sad day whenever we have to let go of any of the people we have dehumanized so thoroughly that we can barely muster the will to describe them as employees," Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke told reporters. "However, this is a business, and we must do what we can to stay competitive while still paying our existing workforce what we actually refer to with a straight face as wages."
Sources inside the company confirmed that roughly 1,200 people will be forced to leave what one might very charitably characterize as their careers in the neon-lit dungeon known as the membership recruitment office. In addition, another 10,000 worn husks of human beings will be relieved of what it literally induces pain to say are their job responsibilities handing out free in-store samples to customers.
"We tried to solve the problem by cutting what is hard for me in good conscience to even call benefits," Duke said. "We even tried negotiating with what we would probably refer to as the workers' union if, in fact, they even had such a thing. But ultimately, our only feasible option, financially, was to make what I'm going to just lie and call a very hard decision and let go some of the faceless drones that I condescendingly refer to in public as members of our 'corporate family.'"
Enlarge Image Jobs Chart
"There's no way I can actually say what I am about to say without literally inducing deep, hearty peals of unbelieving laughter from anyone within earshot," he added. "But all those laid off should still hold their heads up high."
Thousands of what it just feels really, really wrong to describe as anything other than wage slaves have responded to the layoffs with strong objections.
"It doesn't seem fair, after all the time I put in with this abusive prison state regarded for some reason as a company," said former membership recruiter Robert Weldon, 46. "Obviously, this is going to severely reduce the overall quality of the unceasingly grim reminder of financial hardships that I call my life."
Replies
33
Beach Fanatic
If the Onion is truly America's finest news source, we are seriously in trouble. 
This article has different numbers on the layoffs.
Wal-Mart Lays Off 700 To 800
BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- Wal-Mart Stores Inc. began laying off workers at its northwestern Arkansas headquarters Tuesday morning.
http://www.4029tv.com/money/18682143/detail.html
In a press release issued to "All Home Office associates," Wal-Mart Stores Inc. President and CEO Mike Duke said "organizational structure" changes would affect 700 to 800 workers.
Those 700-800 home office positions would include jobs in merchandising, real estate, marketing and support divisions in Wal-mart U.S., Sam's Club merchandising and some corporate functions, according to the company.
"The restructuring will not impact store and club operations," according to the press release.
"Starting today, and over the next few weeks, you will be hearing from your leaders about some important changes designed to align our staffing and organizational structure to increase operational efficiencies, support our strategic growth plans and help reduce our overall costs," Duke wrote.
Duke said the discount retailer was treading through "unprecedented times" but was "uniquely positioned to help Americans weather the economic storm."
Duke said that each individual position was carefully considered before it was cut.
"I can assure you that we will treat them with care and dignity and help support them during their transition, consistent with our basic beliefs and respect for the individual," Duke wrote.
Wal-Mart and Sam's Clubs have about 30,000 employees in northwestern Arkansas, including about 14,000 at their Bentonville headquarters.
"If you plunk it against their worldwide (employment), 2.2 million, it's not that much," Ed Clifford, president of the Bentonville-Bella Vista Chamber of Commerce, said.
Wal-Mart began issuing the layoffs in Bentonville around 9 a.m.
One Wal-Mart employee said that a group of employees was called into a meeting Thursday morning and told they were being laid off and would receive severance pay through April.
"Completely out of the blue, out of the blue," said Susan Archibald. "They just said my area was eliminated."
Archibald worked in the marketing department and had been with Wal-Mart for a total of 13 years.
"I'm just kind of still in shock right now, not bitter or upset with the company. It is what it is, but I don't know if it's really hit me yet," said Archibald.
"Wal-Mart has always been a company that achieves efficiencies, so what they're looking at in terms of their business model, is they're looking at a certain group of jobs that they don't feel are leading to growth right now," said Jeff Cooperstein, an economist for the University of Arkansas.
But that cost-saving measure has left hundreds of former employees like Archibald in the dust, searching for new jobs elsewhere.
"Just trying to cope with it and stay as positive as I can, because getting upset isn't going to help anything right now," said Archibald.
About 5 percent of the workforce at the Wal-Mart home office has been let go.
Wal-Mart said in a release that the reductions at the home office will allow for additional management positions beings created elsewhere.
The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas also reported the number of employees laid off is about 700.
Wal-mart Press Release: http://www.4029tv.com/news/18683097/detail.html
This article has different numbers on the layoffs.
Wal-Mart Lays Off 700 To 800
BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- Wal-Mart Stores Inc. began laying off workers at its northwestern Arkansas headquarters Tuesday morning.
http://www.4029tv.com/money/18682143/detail.html
In a press release issued to "All Home Office associates," Wal-Mart Stores Inc. President and CEO Mike Duke said "organizational structure" changes would affect 700 to 800 workers.
Those 700-800 home office positions would include jobs in merchandising, real estate, marketing and support divisions in Wal-mart U.S., Sam's Club merchandising and some corporate functions, according to the company.
"The restructuring will not impact store and club operations," according to the press release.
"Starting today, and over the next few weeks, you will be hearing from your leaders about some important changes designed to align our staffing and organizational structure to increase operational efficiencies, support our strategic growth plans and help reduce our overall costs," Duke wrote.
Duke said the discount retailer was treading through "unprecedented times" but was "uniquely positioned to help Americans weather the economic storm."
Duke said that each individual position was carefully considered before it was cut.
"I can assure you that we will treat them with care and dignity and help support them during their transition, consistent with our basic beliefs and respect for the individual," Duke wrote.
Wal-Mart and Sam's Clubs have about 30,000 employees in northwestern Arkansas, including about 14,000 at their Bentonville headquarters.
"If you plunk it against their worldwide (employment), 2.2 million, it's not that much," Ed Clifford, president of the Bentonville-Bella Vista Chamber of Commerce, said.
Wal-Mart began issuing the layoffs in Bentonville around 9 a.m.
One Wal-Mart employee said that a group of employees was called into a meeting Thursday morning and told they were being laid off and would receive severance pay through April.
"Completely out of the blue, out of the blue," said Susan Archibald. "They just said my area was eliminated."
Archibald worked in the marketing department and had been with Wal-Mart for a total of 13 years.
"I'm just kind of still in shock right now, not bitter or upset with the company. It is what it is, but I don't know if it's really hit me yet," said Archibald.
"Wal-Mart has always been a company that achieves efficiencies, so what they're looking at in terms of their business model, is they're looking at a certain group of jobs that they don't feel are leading to growth right now," said Jeff Cooperstein, an economist for the University of Arkansas.
But that cost-saving measure has left hundreds of former employees like Archibald in the dust, searching for new jobs elsewhere.
"Just trying to cope with it and stay as positive as I can, because getting upset isn't going to help anything right now," said Archibald.
About 5 percent of the workforce at the Wal-Mart home office has been let go.
Wal-Mart said in a release that the reductions at the home office will allow for additional management positions beings created elsewhere.
The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas also reported the number of employees laid off is about 700.
Wal-mart Press Release: http://www.4029tv.com/news/18683097/detail.html
Edited
SoWal Insider
If the Onion is truly America's finest news source, we are seriously in trouble.The Onion is satirical.
This article has different numbers on the layoffs.
[ame="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Onion"]The Onion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/ame]
Sources inside the company confirmed that roughly 1,200 people will be forced to leave what one might very charitably characterize as their careers in the neon-lit dungeon known as the membership recruitment office. In addition, another 10,000 worn husks of human beings will be relieved of what it literally induces pain to say are their job responsibilities handing out free in-store samples to customers
Beach Fanatic
The Onion is satirical.
The Onion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Thanks, I was hoping that was the way of it.
SoWal Insider
nationalize Wal-Mart now!
Beach Fanatic
The Onion is satirical.
The Onion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Then maybe this belongs in the lounge
SoWal InsiderAuthor
make the minimum wage 28.50/hour
SoWal Insider
make the minimum wage 28.50/hour
make it 50.00!
Beach Fanatic
Make it 100.00
Banned
Pay me in my sleep.
SoWal Expert
With what, dream dollars? 
Beach Fanatic
Thanks, I was hoping that was the way of it.Yeah, you can put the Onion in the same category as the Borowitz Report but its not as well done. Ron Hart comes to mind as well.
Edited
Beach Fanatic
If the Onion is truly America's finest news source, we are seriously in trouble.
This article has different numbers on the layoffs.
Wal-Mart Lays Off 700 To 800
BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- Wal-Mart Stores Inc. began laying off workers at its northwestern Arkansas headquarters Tuesday morning.
Wal-Mart Lays Off 700 To 800 - Project Economy News Story - KHBS NW Arkansas
In a press release issued to "All Home Office associates," Wal-Mart Stores Inc. President and CEO Mike Duke said "organizational structure" changes would affect 700 to 800 workers.
Those 700-800 home office positions would include jobs in merchandising, real estate, marketing and support divisions in Wal-mart U.S., Sam's Club merchandising and some corporate functions, according to the company.
"The restructuring will not impact store and club operations," according to the press release.
"Starting today, and over the next few weeks, you will be hearing from your leaders about some important changes designed to align our staffing and organizational structure to increase operational efficiencies, support our strategic growth plans and help reduce our overall costs," Duke wrote.
Duke said the discount retailer was treading through "unprecedented times" but was "uniquely positioned to help Americans weather the economic storm."
Duke said that each individual position was carefully considered before it was cut.
"I can assure you that we will treat them with care and dignity and help support them during their transition, consistent with our basic beliefs and respect for the individual," Duke wrote.
Wal-Mart and Sam's Clubs have about 30,000 employees in northwestern Arkansas, including about 14,000 at their Bentonville headquarters.
"If you plunk it against their worldwide (employment), 2.2 million, it's not that much," Ed Clifford, president of the Bentonville-Bella Vista Chamber of Commerce, said.
Wal-Mart began issuing the layoffs in Bentonville around 9 a.m.
One Wal-Mart employee said that a group of employees was called into a meeting Thursday morning and told they were being laid off and would receive severance pay through April.
"Completely out of the blue, out of the blue," said Susan Archibald. "They just said my area was eliminated."
Archibald worked in the marketing department and had been with Wal-Mart for a total of 13 years.
"I'm just kind of still in shock right now, not bitter or upset with the company. It is what it is, but I don't know if it's really hit me yet," said Archibald.
"Wal-Mart has always been a company that achieves efficiencies, so what they're looking at in terms of their business model, is they're looking at a certain group of jobs that they don't feel are leading to growth right now," said Jeff Cooperstein, an economist for the University of Arkansas.
But that cost-saving measure has left hundreds of former employees like Archibald in the dust, searching for new jobs elsewhere.
"Just trying to cope with it and stay as positive as I can, because getting upset isn't going to help anything right now," said Archibald.
About 5 percent of the workforce at the Wal-Mart home office has been let go.
Wal-Mart said in a release that the reductions at the home office will allow for additional management positions beings created elsewhere.
The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas also reported the number of employees laid off is about 700.
Wal-mart Press Release: Text Of Wal-Mart Press Release - Local News Story - KHBS NW Arkansas
Thanks for posting the correct information Minnie. I never read The Onion and assumed the article posted was true. IMO satirical articles belong in the lounge.
SoWal Expert
The Onion is a joke paper! What makes it scary is how many people think it is real when the articles are posted out of context.
Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Beach Fanatic
The Onion is a joke paper! What makes it scary is how many people think it is real when the articles are posted out of context.
Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Don't be too scared - I just looked at the headline :roll:
SoWal Expert
I was referring to when I have posted Onion articles on Sowal before. 
Bob's title was misleading.
Bob's title was misleading.
SWGB
Onion, Fox News, what's the difference?
Beach Fanatic
Onion, Fox News, what's the difference?A hellava lot! But you have to be smart enough to realize it.
SoWal Expert
Onion, Fox News, what's the difference?The Onion knows it's a joke!
Banned
Onion, Fox News, what's the difference?
Laugh with vs. laugh at.
SWGB
A hellava lot! But you have to be smart enough to realize it.
So you're going to attack my intelligence?
My point was that Fox News simply makes up most their stories and facts as well. The comedy that is "fair and balanced" should insult your intelligence.
Beach Fanatic
So you're going to attack my intelligence?I won't repeat the Liberal/Conservative age saying as you already know it. I have never questioned your intelligence, only the fact that, to me, you have been misled. Sorry if you think I was insulting but you sometimes bring it on yourself as I do. Can you accept that? I can but don't expect me to take it lying down anymore than you do.
My point was that Fox News simply makes up most their stories and facts as well. The comedy that is "fair and balanced" should insult your intelligence.
Regarding Fox News. Once again we totally disagree. It is the most watched news outlet in the nation and I feel usually spot on. We won't ever agree on most political matter. I accept that and so should you but it won't stop me from commenting when I think you are wrong and I am sure it will be the same for you.
SoWal Expert
Your opinions/views color how you see it.
Ditto for me - I can't watch it for more than 30 seconds without talking back to the TV to refute the inaccurate or misleading thing they have just said.
Ditto for me - I can't watch it for more than 30 seconds without talking back to the TV to refute the inaccurate or misleading thing they have just said.
Beach Fanatic
Your opinions/views color how you see it.I think both of you are confusing news with commentary. Their news shows are different from O'Reilly, Beck and Hannity etc. Remember it is a 24 hour news network and I will agree that some commentary creeps into their news presentation. However, there are stories on Fox and CNN that you will not see on the mainstream networks, if for no other reason, time constraints.
Ditto for me - I can't watch it for more than 30 seconds without talking back to the TV to refute the inaccurate or misleading thing they have just said.
Edited
SoWal Insider
Always Fox News, never MSNBC, always Hanity, never Olberman, always Beck, never Maddow, always ... how many of the fox bashers on this board regularly tune into MSNBC, CBS, or NBC to get their fill of the nightly news?
This argument has been hashed and rehashed on this board a thousands times, nobody is every going to change thier mind. I say watch whatever channel you want. We're all smart enough to know when somebody is spinning something. Personally I *like* certain fox shows, especially Bret Baier and his crew, they serve as welcome balance to CNN. Hannity and Olby should get together and go bowling, they're like peas in a pod.
This argument has been hashed and rehashed on this board a thousands times, nobody is every going to change thier mind. I say watch whatever channel you want. We're all smart enough to know when somebody is spinning something. Personally I *like* certain fox shows, especially Bret Baier and his crew, they serve as welcome balance to CNN. Hannity and Olby should get together and go bowling, they're like peas in a pod.
SWGB
I won't repeat the Liberal/Conservative age saying as you already know it. I have never questioned your intelligence, only the fact that, to me, you have been misled. Sorry if you think I was insulting but you sometimes bring it on yourself as I do. Can you accept that? I can but don't expect me to take it lying down anymore than you do.
Regarding Fox News. Once again we totally disagree. It is the most watched news outlet in the nation and I feel usually spot on. We won't ever agree on most political matter. I accept that and so should you but it won't stop me from commenting when I think you are wrong and I am sure it will be the same for you.
The [ame="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telegraph_Agency_of_the_Soviet_Union"]Telegraph Agency[/ame] had a pretty big following too, it doesn't mean they reported unbiased news.
I'm curious, when you are watching Fox News how often, estimate, do you agree with the person delivering the news? Not a commentator or pundit.
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