New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly likethem! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky basta***.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're SUCH a huge a**hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
kathydwellskathydwellsDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameLacey's Spring, Alabama13,303 postsJoined View profileMessageDarlene is my middle name, not my nickname
kathydwellsDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameLacey's Spring, Alabama13,303 postsJoined View profileMessageDarlene is my middle name, not my nickname650 views
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jessifunnjessifunnsuperJfunnSeagrove Beach4,810 postsJoined View profileMessagesuperJfunn
jessifunnsuperJfunnSeagrove Beach4,810 postsJoined View profileMessagesuperJfunn:floor:
Ocean LoverOcean LoverbeanBuckeye Country9,491 postsJoined View profileMessagebean
Ocean LoverbeanBuckeye Country9,491 postsJoined View profileMessagebean:rofl:
John RJohn Rneeds to get out moreConflictinator6,782 postsJoined View profileMessageneeds to get out more
John Rneeds to get out moreConflictinator6,782 postsJoined View profileMessageneeds to get out more
ktschrisktschrisBeach FanaticSt. Louis1,877 postsJoined View profileMessageBeach Fanatic
ktschrisBeach FanaticSt. Louis1,877 postsJoined View profileMessageBeach Fanatic:floor: Whoever it was....it was funny! :clap_1:
kathydwellskathydwellsDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameLacey's Spring, Alabama13,303 postsJoined View profileMessageDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthor
kathydwellsDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameLacey's Spring, Alabama13,303 postsJoined View profileMessageDarlene is my middle name, not my nicknameAuthormaybe bill maher
Well alrighty then. Thank you for setting me straight JohnR. I didn't check out the source.
seagroveloverseagroveloverlittle sugarSt Louis Missouri2,984 postsJoined View profileMessagelittle sugar
seagroveloverlittle sugarSt Louis Missouri2,984 postsJoined View profileMessagelittle sugarThat was great Darlene!!!!! :lolabove: :lolabove: :lolabove:
MermaidMermaidpicky7,871 postsJoined View profileMessagepicky
Good one. I like all that wisecrack humor! Got to agree with him about the eyebrows. I don't know a woman alive (me included) who can leave her eyebrows alone. ;-)
JdargJdargSoWal Expert18,040 postsJoined View profileMessageSoWal Expert
JdargSoWal Expert18,040 postsJoined View profileMessageSoWal ExpertWe love both George and Bill, but yes, Bill is the "Rules" king! It is my favorite part of his show!
And my favorite is the one about the Chinese tatoos...:floor:
And my favorite is the one about the Chinese tatoos...:floor:
dbuckdbuckBeach FanaticKY3,966 postsJoined View profileMessageBeach Fanatic
dbuckBeach FanaticKY3,966 postsJoined View profileMessageBeach FanaticNew Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're SUCH a huge a**hole.
I love this one; we've all been in line with this person.:roll:
I love this one; we've all been in line with this person.:roll:
Miss KittyMiss KittyMeow47,011 postsJoined View profileMessageMeow
Miss KittyMeow47,011 postsJoined View profileMessageMeowBill is the new George!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE that one!!!
DDDDSoWal Expertgrapevine, tx. /On the road to SoWal23,871 postsJoined View profileMessageSoWal Expert
DDSoWal Expertgrapevine, tx. /On the road to SoWal23,871 postsJoined View profileMessageSoWal ExpertLoved this....no matter who said it!
Especially the starbucks one! Those people make me crazy.
Especially the starbucks one! Those people make me crazy.
audieaudiefartblossom10,946 postsJoined View profileMessagefartblossom
audiefartblossom10,946 postsJoined View profileMessagefartblossom:clap_1: :floor:
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