I was waiting for Kathy Dwells funny for Friday. Here is one to enjoy 'til she gives us one.
A little public bathroom humor:
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
:laughing1
Replies
23
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
I was waiting for Kathy Dwells funny for Friday.
Hey mom, well I kept thinking I would get one that was funny enough to share, I haven't yet, but hopefully by the end of the day. At least you took up my slack...that was to funny. :laughing1
SoWal InsiderAuthor
Hey mom, well I kept thinking I would get one that was funny enough to share, I haven't yet, but hopefully by the end of the day. At least you took up my slack...that was to funny. :laughing1
Here's another.
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world
coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher! 😀
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Ok, here is mine for the day. 😀
Lawyer Croaks
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Lawyer Croaks
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Beach Fanatic
I'll probably get a fragging for this, but here's a link to a funny a lady at work just sent 'round:
http://www.imgag.com/product/previe.../graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstFrom=&NameFirstTo
http://www.imgag.com/product/previe.../graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstFrom=&NameFirstTo
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
I'll probably get a fragging for this, but here's a link to a funny a lady at work just sent 'round:
http://www.imgag.com/product/preview/flash/wsShell.swf?ihost=http://www.imgag.com&brand=/product/preview/flash/wsag&cardNum=/product/full/ap/3066708/graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstFrom=&NameFirstTo
:clap_1: :clap_1: :clap_1: :clap_1: :clap_1:
Beach Fanatic
TEXAS MIDGET
There was a midget from Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a
look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah!" mumbled the
doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left
side and he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots"
There was a midget from Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a
look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah!" mumbled the
doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left
side and he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots"
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"> <B>
<SPAN style="COLOR: #8000ff; mso-bidi-font-style: italic">Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"> <B>
<SPAN style="COLOR: #8000ff; mso-bidi-font-style: italic">Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
SoWal InsiderAuthor
Ok, here is mine for the day. 😀
Lawyer Croaks
:lolabove::lolabove::lolabove:
SoWal InsiderAuthor
I'll probably get a fragging for this, but here's a link to a funny a lady at work just sent 'round:
http://www.imgag.com/product/previe.../graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstFrom=&NameFirstTo
This is the funniest thing I have seen lately. :rofl: Thanks for the lunchtime funnies.
Beach Fanatic
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat
down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Beach Fanatic
:lolabove: :lolabove:
SoWal InsiderAuthor
OK here's one more.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what
brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it
fits
on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what
brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it
fits
on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Beach Lover
Yes, but not as bad as hockey stick.
Beach Fanatic
INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
How true :floor: :floor:
Beach Fanatic
That ability is dependent on one's condition :floor:
INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
got any pics?
That ability is dependent on one's condition :floor:
Now that is funny :laughing1
Beach Fanatic
Now that is funny :laughing1Naw - funny is in a 16' boat in the middle of a lake in the middle of nowhere, midstream, and the stiff breeze at the back does a 180 :laughing1
Beach Fanatic
A lady and three of her friends are in a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls
wanted to impress the rest, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over, the woman licked the $10 bill and
stuck it to his rear cheek!
Not to be outdone, her friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the
guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other rear cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest, a third woman pulls out a
$50 bill and calls the guy over. She licks the $50 bill and presses it to one of his rear cheeks again. The fourth friend, who had been holding her breath not knowing what her third friend was about to do, seemed relieved.
Relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy
gyrates over to the fourth woman!!!
Now everyone's attention is focused on her, and the guy is egging her on to
try to top the $50.
Her brain begins churning! as she reaches for her wallet..... What could she do????
The woman in her took over! 😀
She took out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his rear and grabbed
the
eighty bucks! :floor:
wanted to impress the rest, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over, the woman licked the $10 bill and
stuck it to his rear cheek!
Not to be outdone, her friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the
guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other rear cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest, a third woman pulls out a
$50 bill and calls the guy over. She licks the $50 bill and presses it to one of his rear cheeks again. The fourth friend, who had been holding her breath not knowing what her third friend was about to do, seemed relieved.
Relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy
gyrates over to the fourth woman!!!
Now everyone's attention is focused on her, and the guy is egging her on to
try to top the $50.
Her brain begins churning! as she reaches for her wallet..... What could she do????
The woman in her took over! 😀
She took out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his rear and grabbed
the
eighty bucks! :floor:
Beach Fanatic
A attractive blonde lady is standing in the middle of the aisle in the coach section of an airplane bound for Hawaii. When the airline attendent tells her that she must sit down and buckle up, she shouts, "No! I'm blonde and I'm beautiful and I'm going to Hawaii!" Finally, her seatmate pulls her out of the aisle and into the seat, but still she refuses to fasten the seat belt. "I'm blonde and I'm beautiful and I'm going to Hawaii!" She then races up into the first class cabin and begins with, "I'm blonde and I'm beautiful and I'm going to Hawaii!" Airline attendent tries to get her back into coach, to sit down, buckle up and shut up...to no avail. She finally appeals to the captain of the plane. The captain comes back into first class and whispers into the lady's ear, whereupon she runs back to her seat in coach, sits down, and buckles up, doesn't say another word. The flight attendant says, "Captain, that was remarkable. What did you say to that woman?" Captain smiles and replies, "Why, I told her, 'Darlin', first class section isn't goin' to Hawaii.'" :idontno:
SoWal Guide
Giorgio walks to work every day and passes a shoe store on his way. Each day he stops and looks in the window, admiring a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. After about two months, he saves the $300 the shoes cost and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community gets together to dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, replies, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is playing. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says,
"Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella answers, "Yes, yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack ina my $300 Bocceli leather shoes." 😱
leather shoes. After about two months, he saves the $300 the shoes cost and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community gets together to dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, replies, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is playing. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says,
"Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella answers, "Yes, yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack ina my $300 Bocceli leather shoes." 😱
got any pics?
Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack ina my $300 Bocceli leather shoes." 😱
Didn't see that one coming :laughing1
Beach Fanatic
Beach Comber
Oh my Gosh! That was the most funny thing I've seen in a long time!
Did you notice everyone was from the North or out in California?
I think they just don't know better. 😀 (kidding)
We have great grandmothers and great aunts here in the south who would tell us like it is ,just like her, in a heart beat!
I hope I live to be 93+ and I can tell some people how crazy they are.
At that age no one will dare tell you you're being rude and if they did, you wouldn't care.
Thanks for the laugh!
Did you notice everyone was from the North or out in California?
I think they just don't know better. 😀 (kidding)
We have great grandmothers and great aunts here in the south who would tell us like it is ,just like her, in a heart beat!
I hope I live to be 93+ and I can tell some people how crazy they are.
At that age no one will dare tell you you're being rude and if they did, you wouldn't care.
Thanks for the laugh!
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