I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5 .... 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.
Replies
33
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5 .... 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.
Funnkalicious
I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5 .... 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.
If I were a girl fly...I would be on the beer. Then after a few of those...maybe on the phone calling the boy fly...
Beach Fanatic
That's cute!!
little sugar
very cute LL........ 
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he?s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That?s not surprising," the elders say. "You?ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Ole's Accident
Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
SoWal Expert
Ole's Accident
Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
Now now, you are making fun of my relatives.
They live up in the frozen north- what we call the Scandinavian mothership!
Beach FanaticAuthor
Ole's Accident
Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
Meow
I got to hand it too ya' KD...that was a funny one!!!
little sugar
Ole's Accident
Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
Loved this one Kathy!!!!
SoWal Guide
all good ones for a Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Beach FanaticAuthor
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Product Approval
Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't
come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't
come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
They just keep coming, and I have to share.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none
of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have,
or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row,
raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none
of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have,
or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row,
raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
SoWal Insider
Product Approval
Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't
come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Now that's funny!
Meow
They just keep coming, and I have to share.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none
of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have,
or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row,
raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
Not, Penis Cake?
I bet my husband was thinking about that dangerous food this weekend...I was on a rampage!!!!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Church Sign.
Beach Fanatic
Landlocked: That was hilarious!! Laughed out loud and made my day--
WOO-WOO! :rofl:
WOO-WOO! :rofl:
Beach Fanatic
LL and KD -- You guys are on a roll! HA! LMAO!!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Meow
Church Sign.
That is so weird....that church is near my childhood home in Houston!!! KD...OOPS, you did it again!!!! Too funny!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
That is so weird....that church is near my childhood home in Houston!!! KD...OOPS, you did it again!!!! Too funny!
A friend sent this to me yesterday. I am sure someone had a little fun with the church sign..how funny that is is near your childhood home!!! I loved it!!!
Beach FanaticAuthor
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
---Stephen Wright
---Stephen Wright
Beach FanaticAuthor
I like this one:
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee
relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party
and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a
conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar
or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE
DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee
relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party
and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a
conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar
or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE
DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
Meow
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
---Stephen Wright
You are "Lord of the Funny"!
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
I like this one:
A AUBURN University football player was visiting a Yankee
relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party
and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a
conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar
or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The AU student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE
DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
So there LL!!!!!!
Checking your forum account
Please wait while we verify your forum account.