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Experienced parents....

Ocean Lover avatar
bean
2,632 views
...I value your opinions. I'm not sure what I should do. Sam's (8th grader)grades are not what they should be. She's not a straight A student but has always had a 3.5 or better. One of her weaknesses is organization. She also has the type of personality that is happy go lucky, I don't have a care in the world. This can be a good thing but I feel she need to take things more seriously. The teachers have a new system this year where her grades are sent electronically to my email on Fridays. Some teachers use this but not all. Every time I've seen something with a big fat 0 on it and it freaks me out and I ask her about it and she says- Oh, it's in my locker. I show her the report from my email, explain how much a 0 brings her grade down and then she promises to turn it in. Last week I got one with a 0 for a project that was worth several points. She told me she turned it in. I emailed her teacher and he said he's never seen it and he asked me if this was a normal problem of Sam's-not turning work in on time. He said he was worried about her.

I feel like such a nag. When I get the reports each week I'm always saying something and it's not that positive. The only A I've seen is in orchestra. I know she can do better. She is not spending long on homework at all. She always says she gets it done at school. 2 of her team teachers are available after school to help anyone that needs it. She never stays. If I didn't get these reports, I'm afraid what her report card might have looked like. (report cards come next week)

There's been a big change in her social life since school started. First, boyfriend being the biggest. They go to football games and occasional parties together, hang out on the weekends in the neighborhood, and talk on the phone a couple of nights a week. Most of her friends ( bf too thank god) are on the other team so she's not liking school as much as last year. Last year she LOVED it. She has a myspace where she talks to her friends too. She hasn't even been in an activity this fall. I feel worried because she's cheering for basketball and that's going to start up soon. Last year she was dancing 3 nights a week and keeping up on grades. This fall she's done nothing! Maybe she does better being busy. Do I "ground" if she brings home a "c"? If not ground...what priviledges do I take away and for how long? Will she be resentful? I haven't really needed to do this before b/c she's such a good kid. No backtalk, sweet, compliant..really not sure how I can help her while maintaing a close relationship. Which btw, she keeps me informed about everything including bf details. I'm trying hard to keep the lines of communication open b/c she's a lot like me and could shut down at any time. ( very much an introvert)

I do want to be the parent here not a best friend.

Sorry, this was looooong.:biggrin:

What would you do? Feel free to express your feelings. I'll pick through and use what's best for us!

PM me if you want!



Edited

Replies

66
ktschris avatar
Beach Fanatic
#2
I feel your pain. My son is also in 8th grade. The school sends his "work" home once a week AND we have to sign the the tests. He has been a straight A student up to this point, but his grades are slipping. I freak out because I pay for him to go to this school and he wants to attend a private high school. All of a sudden, he thinks B's are fine (which they are if you work very hard for them, but he doesn't, he too finishes his homework at school) Now, I have seen a couple of C's thrown into the mix. I have been telling him for 3 years now, I don't pay for C's.

A long story short....it's a pain, but I (or my husband if it's math) check his homework. I know he should be responsible enough to complete it on time and correctly at this age but sometimes not. For some reason they (the 8th graders) have a slight case of "Senioritis" This is their last year in the school and they are slacking.

If he has a grade lower than a B -- he loses the computer for the week. An exception to that is if I see him REALLY study and I know he has tried, I don't "ground" him. But so far that has not been the case, and he's only lost the computer for 1 week.

:bang: He doesn't seem to get that even homework with a bad score effects his final grade. I'm very tired of hearing "it's only homework, not a test!"

Good luck, and I too would be very interested in hearing what others are doing.
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#3
Thanks KC, I know I'm not the only one but sometimes I feel like it. When you know your child is capable of so much more it makes it harder. C's are not acceptable -especially when little effort is being being made.
scooterbug44 avatar
SoWal Expert
#4
You definitely need to correct this now, because college will be even more of a challenge with organization and social distractions, and her grades will start seriously affecting her future in 9th grade.

I know I got really annoyed when they started factoring in homework turn-in rates as part of your grade, so I had to start doing the homework instead of just acing the tests because it would really make a difference. in your grade.

These were the rules/guidelines my parents used on me, as I was not a fan of "busy work", homework done outside of class, or general organization:

1) She has to have an A average as long as she isn't staying after for help or doing homework at home. It's okay if she gets a lower grade, but only when you see her putting forth effort and doing the work. If it's easy enough that she doesn't bring work home or stay after, it's easy enough for her to get an A on it.

2) Anytime she gets a zero or bad grade, she can't have funn until it is confirmed turned in or additional work is completed to bring the grade up. Missing out on something funn because you didn't "remember" to turn in homework greatly improves the memory process. ;-)

She won't like the rules, but she also can't complain that they're unfair or unreasonable.
Miss Kitty avatar
Meow
#5
She won't like the rules, but she also can't complain that they're unfair or unreasonable.

:floor:...oh ye of little faith in teenagers. They can complain about anything.

Good luck OL...you are wise to be on top of this. As you know, you use your gut alot in this deal.
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#6
You definitely need to correct this now, because college will be even more of a challenge with organization and social distractions, and her grades will start seriously affecting her future in 9th grade.

I know I got really annoyed when they started factoring in homework turn-in rates as part of your grade, so I had to start doing the homework instead of just acing the tests because it would really make a difference. in your grade.

These were the rules/guidelines my parents used on me, as I was not a fan of "busy work", homework done outside of class, or general organization:

1) She has to have an A average as long as she isn't staying after for help or doing homework at home. It's okay if she gets a lower grade, but only when you see her putting forth effort and doing the work. If it's easy enough that she doesn't bring work home or stay after, it's easy enough for her to get an A on it.

2) Anytime she gets a zero or bad grade, she can't have funn until it is confirmed turned in or additional work is completed to bring the grade up. Missing out on something funn because you didn't "remember" to turn in homework greatly improves the memory process. ;-)

She won't like the rules, but she also can't complain that they're unfair or unreasonable.

Thanks, you have some good points. Either way, I don't think this is going to be funn.;-) I don't expect all A's but I do expect honor roll. ( math is what keeps her out of straight A's and I can't blame her for that...she gets it honestly) We've worked on this organization thing since 4th grade. :shock: I can't make her be organized!!! It's so frustrating. Dylan is the exact opposite...maybe even a little OCD.:blink: I just have a feeling her mind is not at all on schoolwork.:roll:
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#7
:floor:...oh ye of little faith in teenagers. They can complain about anything.

Good luck OL...you are wise to be on top of this. As you know, you use your gut alot in this deal.


Amen to that...what I'm not looking forward to is Dylan as the teen...it won't be a homework problem it will be the "my parents are so stupid and I know everything" problem. I can already see this coming...:eek:
Mango avatar
SoWal Insider
#8
Is this all because you took away her lip gloss? :idontno:
jodiFL avatar
Beach Fanatic
#9
Amen to that...what I'm not looking forward to is Dylan as the teen...it won't be a homework problem it will be the "my parents are so stupid and I know everything" problem. I can already see this coming...:eek:
I also have a teen "Dillon"... and all I can say is.. at least you see it coming. :biggrin: I also think that she might actually be scared about going to "high school". Some kids are more worried about that than you think. It is kinda daunting going from the "big fish" 8th grader to the "little fish" freshman.
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#10
I also have a teen "Dillon"... and all I can say is.. at least you see it coming. :biggrin: I also think that she might actually be scared about going to "high school". Some kids are more worried about that than you think. It is kinda daunting going from the "big fish" 8th grader to the "little fish" freshman.


She's not much of a worry wart. She usually embraces new experiences and I know she's looking forward to high school. :wave:I'll worry enough for both of us! My Dylan is 11 going on 79...I swear sometimes he's just crotchety.:lol:
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#11
Is this all because you took away her lip gloss? :idontno:

Sheet Mango, I'd give it back if it were that easy.:biggrin:
Minnie avatar
Beach Fanatic
#12
I highly recommend the book "Don't Stop Loving Me" by Dr. Ann Caron. It is written for moms and daughters and how you set limits at this age without hurting your relationship.

I think setting expectations for grades is a good idea and it should have repercussions. Especially if you know it is due to lack of responsiblity on her part to turn in her assignments.

My daughter was not allowed extra curriculur activites, games, parties, social computer time, etc. unless her grades did not suffer. If they did, I started with taking away what would least upset her. Giving her a chance to redeem herself and get back on the plan.

As Scooter said, she does not want to get into a habit of not doing her work.

With the emails you get from the school you can monitor this closely and I would discuss that with her. I always thought it was a good idea to come to some type of understanding of what is expected, what the punishement will be if not and put it in writing, so there is no chance she can say, I did not understand.

Will she be resentful, more than likely but sometimes we have to be the parent and use tough love.

The book will address all the issues you have mentioned. Good luck, sorry to say at this age it is only beginning.

Mine is 23 now, a senior in college and only within the last year, did I feel she finally understood how hard being Mom is.
Cheering472 avatar
SoWal Insider
#13
Sam seems like a good kid. I think she has several things happening, including 8th grade-itis, and a first boyfriend can help make this worse. If she's not organized have you tried a planner/calendar notebook to write down everything? (and I do mean everything so she doesn't miss a thing) When she turns in her assignments, she has to check them off the list. Date, time and intial the planner that the project is turned in and not in her locker. You can review the planner to monitor her for awhile until she gets on track.

I would probably make it a new rule that nothing happens until all homework is done and reviewed. No phone, TY, computer, or BF gets attention until school work is complete. If she completes her homework at school tell her to still bring it home so you can review it with her. If her homework isn't written but is say reading a chapter, then have her reread it at home. The extra time spent on it might seem repetitive but maybe she needs that. This isn't grounding or a punishment but rather teaching her better use of her time.

If possible try to reward when she performs the way you want instead of punishing when she doesn't. It's not nagging when you are bragging on how well she did on her book report etc. Sneak in a suggestion every now and then where you see she needs help. Say it fast, she isn't listening after the first few minutes if it sounds like nagging.
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#14
Wow, thanks Minnie, I'm going to look for the book for sure. For some reason it seems things have snuck up on me really quickly. I have so many more concerns than last year. One of the reasons could have been last year she was so busy with dance she didn't have time for a social life. This year, maybe too much time and I didn't have any set rules/expectations in place before a lot of this started. I don't know if this makes sense but I totally get what you are saying.
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#15
Sam seems like a good kid. I think she has several things happening, including 8th grade-itis, and a first boyfriend can help make this worse. If she's not organized have you tried a planner/calendar notebook to write down everything? (and I do mean everything so she doesn't miss a thing) When she turns in her assignments, she has to check them off the list. Date, time and intial the planner that the project is turned in and not in her locker. You can review the planner to monitor her for awhile until she gets on track.

I would probably make it a new rule that nothing happens until all homework is done and reviewed. No phone, TY, computer, or BF gets attention until school work is complete. If she completes her homework at school tell her to still bring it home so you can review it with her. If her homework isn't written but is say reading a chapter, then have her reread it at home. The extra time spent on it might seem repetitive but maybe she needs that. This isn't grounding or a punishment but rather teaching her better use of her time.

If possible try to reward when she performs the way you want instead of punishing when she doesn't. It's not nagging when you are bragging on how well she did on her book report etc. Sneak in a suggestion every now and then where you see she needs help. Say it fast, she isn't listening after the first few minutes if it sounds like nagging.[/quote]

She does use a required plan book and organizer notebook. I will start checking assignments each night and going over things with her. It has always been a rule here that homework comes first before anything else. But lately she's had like 15 minutes of homework and a couple of hours of free time. I like your suggestions of re-reading things...never hurts.

:lol:I'm not much of a fast talker. I know I need to be more positive regarding school work since I feel like I've been a nag lately.
ameliaj avatar
Beach Fanatic
#16
I've been working on the same organizational issues with my new middle schooler. We had a lot of the "did it but never got it to the classroom" issues. Of course I found most of it still in the locker and the backpack. Finally, I purchased one of those heavy duty clear 2 pocket folders. I labeled one pocket "Bring Home" and the other side "Turn In." At school, she files all items to be brought home in the "Bring Home" side. All completed homework, notes, etc. goes in the Turn In pocket at the end of homework time. That way, she always knows where the homework is.
My daughter is not to get into the carpool to come home from school until the "Turn In" folder is empty. It's easy to check since it is clear. It seemed to help her to have it all in one place instead of the 7 separate notebooks for each class. She still has days where she has to return to a class and turn something in, but at least it gets there.
Sorry for the longwinded explanation.
Good Luck!!
kathydwells avatar
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
#17
OL, first of all I could have written your post. I have a Freshman in High School. I am dealing with exactly the same things that you have mentioned. He has alway's been and A/B student with couple of C's thrown in there since kindergarten. I go online everyday and check his grades (I love being able to do this), anyway, if I see any bad grades, his life as he knows it ends immediately. All his "toys" are taken away, you know the electronic kind...tv, computer, phone....(Good grief how did I live as a teenager without all that stuff. :roll:). His weekend social life is over, until the grades come up. He is a very smart kid, and I tell him all the time that those B's could be A's with just a little effort oh his part. I have to tell you though, and I probably shouldn't admit it, but he comes by it honestly. I personally did just enough to get by. He makes way better grades though than I did in High School. Heck, I spent every other report card period on restriction (I know that comes as a surprise to many of you :biggrin:). Anyway, you have to make a believer out of her. What you say you are going to do, you have to do it. It does not mean she is going to love you any less I promise. I know it is hard though when you have never had any problems or concerns with her. I see kids that are friends of Jesse's whose parents could care less what kind of grades they make or where they are at any given time. Jesse mentions this to me, about how sad it is. He notices. I guess what I am trying to say is this...We are going to make mistakes as parents, our kids are going to make mistakes, but they have to know that we love them unconditionally even though we get upset with them at times. You have to remember you ARE the parent and your kids have to play by your rules. Anyway, this too shall pass I promise. Good luck to you. :wave:
Bob avatar
SoWal Insider
#18
I've got 2 teenagers, but luck out because mom's a teacher. Sounds like the priorities are backward. Everything should flow from schoolwork downward. Don't accept lying about schoolwork, and offer up punishment for bad grades. Kill the phone to the boyfriend and the myspace stuff, and let her IM while she's doing schoolwork. If she's bright, As/Bs are easy. Sounds like she's stretched too thin on time, and needs your guidance. My 16 year old ditched here boyfriend because he was wanting to much phonetime, etc. She runs CC and Track, and hits the books after practice. I've been through exactly the same thing you are facing. Gracefully but forcefully take control, and outline a pathway for success via time management for your child. Use my avatar for scare tactics!
Minnie avatar
Beach Fanatic
#19
Wow, thanks Minnie, I'm going to look for the book for sure. For some reason it seems things have snuck up on me really quickly. I have so many more concerns than last year. One of the reasons could have been last year she was so busy with dance she didn't have time for a social life. This year, maybe too much time and I didn't have any set rules/expectations in place before a lot of this started. I don't know if this makes sense but I totally get what you are saying.

I found the book very helpful. Dr. Caron is the mother of two daughters and 4 sons. She has a doctorate in education and developmental psychology and conducts workshops for mothers of adolescent daughters.

There is a chaper titled." You won't let me do anything" Mothers Limits and Daughter's Demands that was very helpful.

Here is the amazon link:
Don't Stop Loving Me

Something that worked with my daughter that I had used with my students when I was teaching. Some of my students were bad about doing their work and leaving it at home, in their locker, in Mom's car anywhere but in my hand. So I would tell them, it makes no difference if you do it, if you don't turn it in. Similar to going to the bank to make a deposit and telling the bank teller, oh I have the money but I left it at home. Sorry no deposit.

I do think you have to teach kids to be organized and sadly many teachers leave this out of the curriculum. When I was teaching 3rd grade and 4th grade that was an important issue with me. Organization and being accountable was a huge part of my daily lessons. Daily planners and folders, such as those mentioned are great tools.

Edited

Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#20
I've got 2 teenagers, but luck out because mom's a teacher. Sounds like the priorities are backward. Everything should flow from schoolwork downward. Don't accept lying about schoolwork, and offer up punishment for bad grades. Kill the phone to the boyfriend and the myspace stuff, and let her IM while she's doing schoolwork. If she's bright, As/Bs are easy. Sounds like she's stretched too thin on time, and needs your guidance. My 16 year old ditched here boyfriend because he was wanting to much phonetime, etc. She runs CC and Track, and hits the books after practice. I've been through exactly the same thing you are facing. Gracefully but forcefully take control, and outline a pathway for success via time management for your child. Use my avatar for scare tactics!

I had to read this a few times but it's sinking in. I was going to cut the computer all together during the week but this makes sense. The project that she said she turned in is a "no show". I asked her teacher about it today so I will have to take some action on this today.

Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#21
KDW, I appreciate the support gull. I will pay you back by picking Bama this week.;-)

Minnie, I reserved the book at our library and I'm #1 on the list so I should have it soon!


This thread has been so helpful to me! Thank you all for your responses!!!
Minnie avatar
Beach Fanatic
#22
This is a very helpful article on students getting organized.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14923457/

As a former teacher, I taught 10 years before becoming a stay at home Mom, and mother to a headstrong daughter, (did not get it from me) I know what you are going thru and it does come and go.

I did find with my daughter, that she did seem to be more organized in Jr. High and High School when she was busy with sports etc.

Right now at college she is in her last semester and working full time and taking a full load and doing better than ever. I think I should have suggested a job much soon. :clap: She always had summer jobs but not during the regular year.

Edited

Cheering472 avatar
SoWal Insider
#23
OL seems like you have good advice. Don't worry, she'll be fine with your guidance. We went through this too. My son was really unorganized. He figured it out in high school, ended up being Valedictorian of his class. The harder it was for him the better he did. My daughter wanted to talk on the phone more than study. Both of the them worked it out and moved onto college easily. One has her Masters and the other is still in graduate school. I promise one day you'll look back and miss this.
peapod1980 avatar
percy
#24
OL, I have a friend who's going through the nearly identical scenario with her son--honestly, insert his name, and it's the same story. She talked to a counselor (marriage and family, not guidance) about it, and the counselor advised her and her husband to basically take away all privileges from their son--no computer, no ipod, no TV, etc. They were thinking they needed to take something away, and she basically told them to take everything away, LOL. The counselor also said kids this age who are acting like that need to develop a work ethic, so she also advised them to put him to work.
Ocean Lover avatar
beanAuthor
#25
OL, I have a friend who's going through the nearly identical scenario with her son--honestly, insert his name, and it's the same story. She talked to a counselor (marriage and family, not guidance) about it, and the counselor advised her and her husband to basically take away all privileges from their son--no computer, no ipod, no TV, etc. They were thinking they needed to take something away, and she basically told them to take everything away, LOL. The counselor also said kids this age who are acting like that need to develop a work ethic, so she also advised them to put him to work.

That seems so harsh..she's not failing I don't even have a grade card yet..sooo, how long do you take away these items?

ITA regarding the work ethic...Sam is actually doing volunteer work this Saturday at church helping single parents. She could do more tho.
SoWal Insider
#26
Oh OL, I so sympathize with you. I could've written your 1st 2 paragraphs, verbatim. We've gone to our son's middle school (he's a high school Jr. now) & called an intervention with all his teachers in attendance to discuss his lack of seriousness/motivation. He was mortified and we thought that would do it. Well, it only took about 2 months before he was back to his carefree ways. Infuriating.

You've gotten excellent advice here today from everyone. I would go for the most stringent & take each privilege away. (Yes, she will resent you but it will pass.) We've always taken the computer privilege away or made him stay home the next weekend, etc. Never phased him at all. He'll sit and read a book or actually spend time with us :eek: but then return to his old ways the very next week. We've obviously not been strict enough. He is the most stubborn person on this earth that I know. He still is not allowed the computer or playstation during the week.

I have 2 books that you might want to check out too. "The Unmotivated Child" by Natalie Rathvon and "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades" by Sylvia Rimm.

Also extremely helpful is to have both parents be on the same page. It doesn't help when the other fails to see the problem as an actual problem.

If nothing else, just know that I feel for you, OL. You are doing the right thing. But like it was said earlier, this IS only the beginning. It doesn't mean she's a bad kid -- all of my son's teachers say still to this day, that he is absolutely one of the brightest kids in each class; raises his hand and is the most active participant during class, but he does not do the homework. But they all love him to death and go so far to say he's "charming." But what good is that going to do? :bang:

Good luck & I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Edited

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