I stopped in a 7-11 this morning and told the cashier
behind the counter I wanted $5.00 worth of gas.
He farted and handed me a receipt.
Replies
27
SoWal Guide
:clap_1: excuse me kurt but where is the little farting smilie?
picky
A recently engaged couple are visiting the man's parents in Mexico City. This is the first time the woman is meeting her fiance's family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the re-fried beans. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and
lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the
poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her fiance's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Paco!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrriiip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Darn it Paco!" Once
again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she
didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle
blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and
yelled, "Darn it Paco, get away from her, before she sh*** on you!"
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the re-fried beans. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and
lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the
poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her fiance's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Paco!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrriiip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Darn it Paco!" Once
again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she
didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle
blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and
yelled, "Darn it Paco, get away from her, before she sh*** on you!"
Beach Fanatic
I stopped in a 7-11 this morning and told the cashier
behind the counter I wanted $5.00 worth of gas.
He farted and handed me a receipt.
:clap_1:
margarita brocolia
Tears in my eyes on those two! Thanks!
got any pics?
Good one :clap_1:
little sugar
excuse me kurt but where is the little farting smilie?
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Single? Married?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
picky
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we are married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket." 
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we are married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
Warning Labels
Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted Health Canada's suggestion that warning labels be placed on all varieties of alcohol containers.
Maybe we need to do the same here in the USA. So here are some possible warnings....
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted Health Canada's suggestion that warning labels be placed on all varieties of alcohol containers.
Maybe we need to do the same here in the USA. So here are some possible warnings....
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
picky
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks and could not come to an agreement. He would settle for any pickup truck, but his wife wanted something small and quick so she could get around town better. Everything that she looked at and liked was out of her price range.
Finally, in frustration, she said, "Look, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Surprise me with something that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds or less..."
For her birthday, he bought her a new bathroom scale.
Funeral services are pending.
Finally, in frustration, she said, "Look, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Surprise me with something that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds or less..."
For her birthday, he bought her a new bathroom scale.
Funeral services are pending.
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civi! lization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civi! lization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
picky
A guy walks into a bar and seats himself next to a nice-looking blonde girl. She doesn't notice him at first, being absorbed in a TV newscast of a man on a 10th-floor window ledge, threatening to jump. After a short while, though, she turns to him and says "I bet he doesn't jump."
"You think so?", he replies, "How about a $20 bet on that?"
She immediately pulls out $20 and lays it on the bar, just as the guy jumps.
She shrugs. "Well, I guess you win."
"Nah, I can't take your money," he replies, "I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I already knew he'd jump."
"Yeah, I saw it too," says the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."
"You think so?", he replies, "How about a $20 bet on that?"
She immediately pulls out $20 and lays it on the bar, just as the guy jumps.
She shrugs. "Well, I guess you win."
"Nah, I can't take your money," he replies, "I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I already knew he'd jump."
"Yeah, I saw it too," says the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's
room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to
direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."
female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's
room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to
direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."
Beach Fanatic
Why does Jewish Men die before thier wifes?
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' Beacuse they want to!
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' Beacuse they want to!
bean
Oh my gosh...too too funny!!!!!!!!!
picky
The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car a very long distance. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well, too bad", the man replies. "She was here, and you could have".
A husband and wife are traveling by car a very long distance. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well, too bad", the man replies. "She was here, and you could have".
Beach Fanatic
Single? Married?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
Beach Fanatic
You guys.. these are all funny!!!!! What is left for Friday? :shock: I can't wait! 
What is left for Friday? :shock: I can't wait! 
Meow
Hoot alert...this is the best joke off (be careful, now!)...and everyone's a WINNER!
Beach Fanatic
THE HORMONE WARNING:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband or boyfriend.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay packet.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favourite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
laugh! Or men who need a warning!!! X
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband or boyfriend.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay packet.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favourite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
laugh! Or men who need a warning!!! X
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
And I can relate to each one of these. 
GYPSEA !!!!
GYPSEA !!!!Beach Fanatic
And I can relate to each one of these.
Thanks kathydwells. Just a little friendly warning for our guys.
Beach Fanatic
Gypsea...those were very funny and very true!!! 
Meow
You go gypsea....that's FUNNY!
SoWal Expert
Some of these are old, but still pretty durn funny....
And a bit of trivia (since he is mentioned in the following)- Winston Bennett's daughter, "Princess" ( I swear- her real name) used to regularly bite my son at daycare. Nothing was ever really said because he was a "basketball star" grrrrrr... but he got his!!!
> Brain Cramps
>
>
> Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
>
> Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
> because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
> but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
>
> --Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
>
> ``````````````````````````````````
> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
> world,
> I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
> all those flies and death and stuff."
> --Mariah Carey
>
> ````````````
> "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
> your life,"
> --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
> antismoking campaign.
> `````````````````````````````````````````````````
> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
> --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> `````````````````````````````````````````````
>
> "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
> in
> the country,"
> --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> `````````````````````````````
>
> "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
> are
> the president."
> --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
> ````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>
> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
> and
> I'm just the one to do it,"
> --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.
> ````````````````````````````
>
> "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
> --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
> ``````````````````````````````````
>
> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
> impurities in
> our air and water that are doing it."
> --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
> ```````````````````
> "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
> --Dan Quayle
> ``````````
>
> "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
> --Lee Iacocca ```````````
> "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein."
> --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
> ````````````````````````````````````````````
> "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people."
> --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
> `````````````````````````````````
> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
> --Bill! Clinton, President
> ``````````````````
> "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
> --Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
> ````````````````
> "Traditionally, most of Australia's import s come from overseas."
> --Keppel Enderbery
> ``````````````````````
> "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
> notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
> is a change in your circumstances." Department of Social Services,
> Greenville, South Carolina
> ````````````````````````````````````````````
> "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
> go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
> next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
> --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
>
> ````````````````````````
>
>
> ....................................Feeling smarter yet?
>
And a bit of trivia (since he is mentioned in the following)- Winston Bennett's daughter, "Princess" ( I swear- her real name) used to regularly bite my son at daycare. Nothing was ever really said because he was a "basketball star" grrrrrr... but he got his!!!
> Brain Cramps
>
>
> Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
>
> Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
> because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
> but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
>
> --Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
>
> ``````````````````````````````````
> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
> world,
> I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
> all those flies and death and stuff."
> --Mariah Carey
>
> ````````````
> "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
> your life,"
> --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
> antismoking campaign.
> `````````````````````````````````````````````````
> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
> --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> `````````````````````````````````````````````
>
> "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
> in
> the country,"
> --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> `````````````````````````````
>
> "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
> are
> the president."
> --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
> ````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>
> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
> and
> I'm just the one to do it,"
> --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.
> ````````````````````````````
>
> "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
> --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
> ``````````````````````````````````
>
> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
> impurities in
> our air and water that are doing it."
> --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
> ```````````````````
> "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
> --Dan Quayle
> ``````````
>
> "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
> --Lee Iacocca ```````````
> "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein."
> --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
> ````````````````````````````````````````````
> "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people."
> --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
> `````````````````````````````````
> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
> --Bill! Clinton, President
> ``````````````````
> "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
> --Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
> ````````````````
> "Traditionally, most of Australia's import s come from overseas."
> --Keppel Enderbery
> ``````````````````````
> "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
> notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
> is a change in your circumstances." Department of Social Services,
> Greenville, South Carolina
> ````````````````````````````````````````````
> "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
> go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
> next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
> --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
>
> ````````````````````````
>
>
> ....................................Feeling smarter yet?
>
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