I'm a northerner...but what would you do?

You all seem to be so sweet...so what would you do?

Our son is an "only". He's going to be 35 this summer. We've hosted an annual BBQ/Pool party for years. Guilt driven, probably, I've come to realize...so our son would know his cousins and keep in touch with them...it seems to be getting harder and harder to get a response from the invitees. What's going on with today's young(er) people? This year, we're planning a magician for the grandbabies/younger children...magic/face painting/tatoos/balloons...we also have to have a couple of portable sinks/flushable toilets and a caterer. I've asked for responses this year for several weeks now...is it just that I'm getting older/intolerant...or are people really just busier today? What do you all think?

I think young people today just have a different frame of mind about everything. Maybe you should try calling and talking to them, maybe mentioning that you need a head count for the caterer, etc...:idontno:

i think busier for one thing, and speaking for myself (as a northerner) i prefer to be left alone esp. on birthdays etc. i find it extremely stressful to be expected to socialize with people i don't know and don't really care to know. like i tell my mom - if i want to talk to them i will call them. but then again i am only close to my parents and sis. i don't mean to be snobbish, i just know how i want to spend my time.

Whitesands ....it seems like people just hate to R.S.V.P these days, I agree with you, it makes it very difficult to plan a party :bang:

:idontno: It sounds like you have planned a fun party...I can't imagine why the adults won't give you an RSVP...bad manners, at least some response is being considerate! You may have to make a few calls...just so you know how many to expect.

Mr. K and I hosted a dinner party on Thursday night. One woman decided she would come the DAY of the party. It screwed up the seating at one of the tables. I seated her at the worse spot at the table...facing the entrance to the kitchen. I think the people that don't care to respond have probably not entertained much and don't know about final counts, etc.

It's really quite frustrating...we've been doing this for over twenty years. It's an annual event and everyone knows everyone. My husband's side of the family. New babies for the last several years. It's nice to see everyone together. I e-mailed in March to advise everyone of the date in August so they could either work around it or let me know they'll be away. As a rule, we have virtually 100% attendance. Didn't hear back from anyone, except our son.

I e-mailed again a week ago advising of the need for a head count. We are being charged per person, based on the number we say will attend (kinda like a wedding, really). Heard back from three parties that they'll attend.

I can see that I'll have to pick up the phone and ask/beg politely. The funny thing to me is that everyone seems to really have had a good time in past years.

Ms. Kitty, I think I'll take your advice and if someone shows up who didn't respond, I'll seat them near the portable toilet trailer along with their empty plate...lolol Oh, I can see this is really bothering me. As my husband says to me when I complain to him about this, "just be the gracious Aunt that you are..." :oops:

Whitesands, two things. First, this is a really common and annoying problem with parties, so it's not anything you've done. People are awful these days about replying in a timely manner!! (That and dressing up for parties; everyone seems to think 'anything goes' when it comes to gatherings, grrr grr grrr.)

Second, maybe your family and relatives think that since you've been giving the party for so many years, and they've been going for so many years, you'll automatically know they're planning on being there as usual...hence the nonchalance about RSVPing???

I'd send around e-mails and make phone calls; it's easier to do than pay the caterer for food that goes uneaten! Then I'd send a letter to Miss Manners--she'll agree with your distress 100%, that's for sure. :razz:

It's really quite frustrating...we've been doing this for over twenty years. It's an annual event and everyone knows everyone. My husband's side of the family. New babies for the last several years. It's nice to see everyone together. I e-mailed in March to advise everyone of the date in August so they could either work around it or let me know they'll be away. As a rule, we have virtually 100% attendance. Didn't hear back from anyone, except our son.

I e-mailed again a week ago advising of the need for a head count. We are being charged per person, based on the number we say will attend (kinda like a wedding, really). Heard back from three parties that they'll attend.

I can see that I'll have to pick up the phone and ask/beg politely. The funny thing to me is that everyone seems to really have had a good time in past years.

Ms. Kitty, I think I'll take your advice and if someone shows up who didn't respond, I'll seat them near the portable toilet trailer along with their empty plate...lolol Oh, I can see this is really bothering me. As my husband says to me when I complain to him about this, "just be the gracious Aunt that you are..." :oops:

Whitesands - it sounds to me like your son is the only one who really appreciates the effort you put forth to pull this off year after year. I say practice some tough love and skip the whole event this year! 100% attendance in past years tells me they will sorely miss it if you decide to take a break from tradition. Perhaps next year they will be more thoughtful and RSVP in a timely manner. If not, then maybe it's time to start a new tradition with a smaller group. :idontno: You go to great lengths to keep the family close - it's time they stopped taking you for granted.

Thank you Mermaid. I think you're right and I know Miss Manners would agree. Times are a changin' and we've got to go with them. We're the Uncle and Aunt who always have the summer family BBQ...they do seem to enjoy it, and yes, I think they probably take it for granted. And I know what you mean...why don't people like to dress any more? I recently drove in to meet a friend for lunch at her golf club. She's an artist and devotes a lot of her time to her hobby. I dressed for lunch at the club and when I got to her place, she had on an old nubby sweater, denim slacks and grotty old birks...and this is how she went to lunch! She's old enough to know better too. What's up with that?

Unplugged. Great idea...I wish I could just forego it this year. But I'll be picking up the phone in the next few days nevertheless. I think I was just feeling a little unappreciated. Family...gotta love em, can't kill em :floor: I am also wondering too, if my son is now coming because he thinks [B]we[/B] want the party and he doesn't want to disappoint us?! They do have a distance to come...LOLOL...the way things work, I wouldn't be at all surprised! :funn: I must say too, I do enjoy seeing my grandbabies any chance I can get... :wub:

Thanks all. I feel better much better now :lol:

i would guess maybe like another poster said people think you know they will be there. or maybe they don't realize what is involved in the planning, head counts, etc. now a days with kids involved in so many activities etc. it may be hard to make the time. maybe a smaller more intimate affair for just your son and immediate family would be in order next year, then people would miss your bash and start rsvp'ing.

I think many people are lazy. Some have no clue what RSVP means and think that it means call if you are coming. There are probably a few people who want to attend, but are embarassed to say that they will not attend. Who knows why you are getting no response? I would be a little embarrassed if my mom was throwing me birthday parties every year up to 35, but it sounds as if your son likes it. I don't mind a party or two on my birthday, but I would enjoy solitude on my birthday, just as well. It can be a great time to reflect on life, where one has been and where one is going.

As for dress, I often try to fit the scene, but I tire of dressing. I think people place too much emphasis on the social aspects of dress. I am always amazed at how one gets stared at if not dressed for church, as if God cares more for those who dress up nicely, or as if the well-dressed folks get a front pew in Heaven. "If you don't know me, look inside. Don't look at the outside." -- Wally Meyer's Grandfather

Of all of the advice on this board, I like Unplugged's the best for this situation. Party planning should not be a stressful thing.

I think many people are lazy. Some have no clue what RSVP means and think that it means call if you are coming. There are probably a few people who want to attend, but are embarassed to say that they will not attend. Who knows why you are getting no response? I would be a little embarrassed if my mom was throwing me birthday parties every year up to 35, but it sounds as if your son likes it. I don't mind a party or two on my birthday, but I would enjoy solitude on my birthday, just as well. It can be a great time to reflect on life, where one has been and where one is going.

As for dress, I often try to fit the scene, but I tire of dressing. I think people place too much emphasis on the social aspects of dress. I am always amazed at how one gets stared at if not dressed for church, as if God cares more for those who dress up nicely, or as if the well-dressed folks get a front pew in Heaven. "If you don't know me, look inside. Don't look at the outside." -- Wally Meyer's Grandfather


Of all of the advice on this board, I like Unplugged's the best for this situation. Party planning should not be a stressful thing.

I like that grand dad! Dress up or dress down...just do what is comfortable for you..in all aspects! If you are comfortable with yourself...then you reflect that...and you do SJ!😀

Ohhhh, no,no, no, no...not a birthday party...sorry for the confusion. It's an annual summer family reunion (my husband's side of the family). We started doing this when our son was very young due to his "onsie-ness", to keep him in touch with his paternal relatives so that, hopefully, he would have strong family ties with them. This has turned out to be the case, as it happens.

Also, about dressing for an occasion. As I said, I think the times are changing. We "old folk" must learn to accept the new ways.

I still believe though, that to dress appropriately for an event/destination really is a matter of respect/common courtesy and/or genuine appreciation for the people you are with and/or the occasion at hand. As I said, perhaps I am just old and out of it.

Mr. K and I hosted a dinner party on Thursday night. One woman decided she would come the DAY of the party. It screwed up the seating at one of the tables. I seated her at the worse spot at the table...facing the entrance to the kitchen. I think the people that don't care to respond have probably not entertained much and don't know about final counts, etc.

I just saw Miss Kitty's claws! :funn:

I think people get so busy that the RSVP is put away for later, then they forget. People even do this for formal weddings with wedding dinners. Most of our friends are pretty good about this, but we've all been around since the earth's crust was cooling. So are accustomed to a different standard of etiquette. I make a point of touching bases with people before the dinner and they usually tell you in a telephone conversation if they're planning to be there or not, if they have not RSVP'd. It's irritating, but not as bad as having a "no show," especially if you're paying a caterer.

Here's a a story about two perfectly nice people (otherwise), who will not receive another invitation to our house. Very nice multi-course dinner party with wines purchased at auction, a total of 10 people invited. The party happened to be on July 4th evening, for reasons I won't go into. One couple excused themselves after the entree to go over and watch fireworks at one of the wineries nearby ("It's our tradition!"), then actually came back to the house afterwards, saying they simply could not forego the dessert course!

Miss Kitty, I am with you on this stuff. We had someone cooking that night, so I had him serve the two of them dessert in the dining room with both doors closed, with all the empty glasses, used napkins, and burned-down candles. The rest of us were in the living room having brandy and truffles and sparkling repartee that results from too much good wine. I was happy that the "too much wine" part fueled my own bad manners in doing that, to tell the truth. The husband apologizes for this gaff everytime we see him, but that one time was enuff for me. (I think she's one of those depressed ones.)

:lolabove: I think Donna has some kitty in her!!!

Enjoyed that story Donna :clap_1:

We took our 1st trip out your way last year and enjoyed it so much, we're planning another trip this Fall. I would like to pick your brains about must see spots - on another thread, of course ;-)

Donna, thank you for that...

I think young people today just have a different frame of mind about everything. Maybe you should try calling and talking to them, maybe mentioning that you need a head count for the caterer, etc...:idontno:

I'm a "young" person (27) and I have to say it's not ALL young people. We always have a hard time getting people to respond to things--even my wedding--mom had to call people (OLD AND YOUNG) to see if they would be coming. For all of my baby showers I pretty much had to do all of the calling to see if people were coming, b/c hardly anyone RSVP'd, and I just threw a shower for someone and she had to do all of the calling, there were 20 couples on her list--2 called to RSVP. . .DISGUSTING! Apparently people don't understand what it's like to plan and host an event, so it's no skin off their nose if they don't RSVP. I have even gone so far as to put an email address on invites so people don't have to call. . this is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves--it's so rude.
A story for another day--even ruder--when you get the response, I guess we can come, I don't think we have anything better to do. . .
:bang: