Misty avatar
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An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Replies

819
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#527
In The Age Of Covid-19

1. The dumbest, most useless thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. In 2019: Stay away from negative people. In 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I went into my house and told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom. (Don't believe them.)

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet... or should we just only keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the backyard. I’m getting tired of the living room.

12. The analogy "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”

13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

14. The spread of the corona-virus is based on two things:
… How dense the population is.
… How dense the population is
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#528
Dave was a single guy, living at home with his widowed dad and working in the family business. He knew that eventually he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father passed away.

Dave wanted two things in life:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance well

and

• to find a wife to share his good fortune.

One evening at an estate planning seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away

Normally shy, he approached her. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few short years, my father will die, and I will inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the beautiful woman accepted his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#529
Joke for the day

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#530
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#531
Great mental exercise for the over 60 crowd.

With which of the following names are you familiar?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
Will B avatar
Moderator
#532
A point to ponder that will ruin all the Star Wars fans' days...

Why did Luke's metal hand disappear when he died?
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#5331
134751694_3744198522282021_8219726040960945293_n.jpg
PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#534
Amusing facts.

TRUMP LOST LOL!
A HISTORIC ASS WHIPPING!
LOSES POPULAR VOTE TWICE!
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#535
Amusing facts.

TRUMP LOST LOL!
A HISTORIC ASS WHIPPING!
LOSES POPULAR VOTE TWICE!
Biden winning the election is just a weekly ritual now. Over 60's lawsuits LOST. He will, no doubt, be know as the biggest LOSER of all time. But he did have Vanilla Ice at his New Year's Eve Party!
PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#536
Saw that, wtf?
PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#537
Biden winning the election is just a weekly ritual now. Over 60's lawsuits LOST. He will, no doubt, be know as the biggest LOSER of all time. But he did have Vanilla Ice at his New Year's Eve Party!
People who whine about participation trophies are coddling little trumpy and telling him and his low info cult he actually won. :lol:
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#538
I wonder why they aren't asking him about what is is doing about the pandemic relief bill, the dismal vaccine roll-out, the Russian cyber-security breach, or the possibility of war with Iran? Seems like the just don't care...
PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#539
I wonder why they aren't asking him about what is is doing about the pandemic relief bill, the dismal vaccine roll-out, the Russian cyber-security breach, or the possibility of war with Iran? Seems like the just don't care...
Or about Biden’s 306 electoral votes to his 304.
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#540
Types of men

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were
true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.
“Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and
in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I
created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and
have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. ”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line? ”
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#541
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#5421
139848293_2009886699153312_3927672783505115995_n.jpg
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#543
This drawing could be from the inside of the wall... some people say...
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#544
According to an 1891 patent by New York businessman Seth Wheeler, the end of a toilet paper roll should be on the outside, or in the “over” position. (Advocates of the “under” position, take note: better flip that roll over when you get home.)

This 124-Year-Old Patent Reveals The Right Way To Use Toilet Paper | HuffPost

  • The Huffington Post identifies itself as an overtly liberal news and information site, which is consistent with the AllSides blind bias rating studies.
Will B avatar
Moderator
#545
One thing I that I have noticed during the five weeks I have been down there...
With the Canadian border being closed there sure are a lot less slow cars driving around with their blinkers on all the time!
PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#546
A priest a pastor and a rabbit went to give blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit “what blood type are you?
The rabbit responded “ I think I’m a type O.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#5471
147067488_238793644452590_2510022359332390119_n.jpg
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#548
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#5491
IMG_1060.JPG
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#5501
IMG_1326.JPG
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#551
A reporter was asking presidents what kind of underwear they use.

Obama said that he wears briefs.

Trump said that he wears boxers.

Biden shrugged his shoulders and said.... Depends.....

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