Just a Funny

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

bada bing

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

When our daughter went away to college and even after she got married , he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?


Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!


You're running for President of the United States.


Act like one.

Good grief. It must have been you driving the SUV with Alabama Confederate flag plates and a Trump sticker on the rear window I saw today.

Good grief. It must have been you driving the SUV with Alabama Confederate flag plates and a Trump sticker on the rear window I saw today.

Nope not me...Trump males me wanna puke. The alternatives don't look any better.

I just thought this was funny.

I know, I just thought I would give you a brief hard time.

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at a recently married couple’s house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
“What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? You’re naked!”
“Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”
On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Speaking of nakedness.....

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at a recently married couple’s house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
“What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? You’re naked!”
“Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”
On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

Donald Trump sits in a courtroom when three judges walk in a Mexican, a Muslim, and a woman................

Think about his logic for a moment ( sorry, I got a little vomit in my mouth): if he denigrates absolutely everybody in the country, he will never be able to get a non-biased judge or jury. All his cases will be thrown out. Bigotry as a business tool.

Colbert said it best, only a white man in a white robe with a white hood can fairly judge Trump.

The butthurt is alive and well on this thread isn't it?

I feel bad about bringing politics to the Funny. When will I ever learn?

Colbert said it best, only a white man in a white robe with a white hood can fairly judge Trump.

Those are the only white collar people Trump appeals to.

Think about his logic for a moment ( sorry, I got a little vomit in my mouth): if he denigrates absolutely everybody in the country, he will never be able to get a non-biased judge or jury. All his cases will be thrown out. Bigotry as a business tool.

That's known as undiplomatic immunity.

What would be the ultimate enemy of Trump? I would say a disabled, Muslim, Mexican woman who is not poorly educated.

He loves women. Ivanka testified he raped her and then changed it to either rough or forcefull sex. Either way it sounds like sexual assault. Don't even comment about rape in a marriage. I'm just relating what I read she testified to.