Invasion of privacy?

Hmmm. I'm gonna let the moms with older teens weigh in on this one before I say anything. I hope you get a few responses because I thought about this the other day.

I would never read a note written to one of my kids...come on ...some things are meant to be private...if you are having problems with said child...that is a whole other matter...but if it is a good child and a secure child...then reading their notes is a total invasion of privacy!!!!

I would never read a note written to one of my kids...come on ...some things are meant to be private...if you are having problems with said child...that is a whole other matter...but if it is a good child and a secure child...then reading their notes is a total invasion of privacy!!!!

Well, I'm not saying I would open up a sealed letter or pry open a diary. I'm talking about notes laying around in plain view - not hidden. Notes from a girlfriend.

Also, said child IS a good kid & fairly secure. AND a trustworthy kid - no past problems in the least. But there's the peer pressure...

Believe me, I know some things are meant to be private. That's the problem.

Well, I'm not saying I would open up a sealed letter or pry open a diary. I'm talking about notes laying around in plain view - not hidden. Notes from a girlfriend.

Also, said child IS a good kid & fairly secure. AND a trustworthy kid - no past problems in the least. But there's the peer pressure...

Believe me, I know some things are meant to be private. That's the problem.

How old is your child?

I normally do not totally express my opinions here...I love peace and love...but this subject hits home with me...it is a matter of self esteem and trust.....if you do not trust your child enough to do the right thing and you have to read their personal notes...then you are wrong...you teach them the good ways in life and you HAVE to trust that you have done your best...to read their personal notes (even if they are in plain sight) is an invasion of personal privacy

Very hard question. All I can advise is if you do it, be prepared to explain why and have that decided before you go forward with the reading.

Because you have to realize that if you read it and you find out something you are not pleased with, are you keeping that to yourself, or confronting your child.

If you plan to read, you better be prepared to confront if necessary.

Thank you.

I believe I have hit some nerves here and I'm sorry. I've deleted whatever posts I was able to.

This has not been a good day. But hey, no one said being a parent would be easy.

Thanks again for everyone's help and opinions. They are appreciated.


Later.

I would never read my daughter's notes, unless there was a very compelling reason. So what happened? Bad influence from your kid's friend weighing on you?

I would never read my daughter's notes, unless there was a very compelling reason. So what happened? Bad influence from your kid's friend weighing on you?

it's a girlfriend situation and I'm hoping that I might be preventing a teen pregnancy here but you know, i shouldn't read notes laying around. I understand that. I really do. I get it. I'll try to find a family member to talk to. This has been completely inappropriate of me.



Thank you, Bob. Gotta run.

I work with a lot of teenagers (and subsequently their parents) and this comes up from time to time. I've known parents who read their children's journals. I don't agree with that (I would be horrified if anyone read mine--they are just a bunch of spewed emotion, and my brother has strict instructions to burn them unread should anything happen to me!) but in individual cases I understand why the parents did it. Usually the child was in danger of some sort--drugs, depression, dating sketchy guys.

If you're reading notes between kids, be sure you use a filter. I remember those notes, and I was a "good" kid. Class gets boring; those notes are sometimes the afternoon soap operas. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and stated for the shock value. Truth is relative.

You say that your child is a "good kid & fairly secure. AND a trustworthy kid - no past problems in the least." Peer pressure is an issue; he/she may still do something really stupid because everyone else did it. Will he still be a good kid? Just having a strong relationship between the two of you will be a much better gauge of your kid's character than reading a note. If that relationship is strong, what the pack thinks is right will play second fiddle to what you, the parent, have taught.

I think not caring would be a mistake. If it's your kid, you are the responsible party, so it's your call. It's all good.

I normally do not totally express my opinions here...I love peace and love...but this subject hits home with me...it is a matter of self esteem and trust.....if you do not trust your child enough to do the right thing and you have to read their personal notes...then you are wrong...you teach them the good ways in life and you HAVE to trust that you have done your best...to read their personal notes (even if they are in plain sight) is an invasion of personal privacy

In theory, this absolutely is true. In reality, it might be true.
This is a hypothetical situation for me thus far, thank goodness, but there are a million variables out there that can derail a good, well-raised kid. I don't want to be an FBI agent with my kids, but neither do I want to be an ostrich.

Never, and I mean never say never.

I work with a lot of teenagers (and subsequently their parents) and this comes up from time to time. I've known parents who read their children's journals. I don't agree with that (I would be horrified if anyone read mine--they are just a bunch of spewed emotion, and my brother has strict instructions to burn them unread should anything happen to me!) but in individual cases I understand why the parents did it. Usually the child was in danger of some sort--drugs, depression, dating sketchy guys.

If you're reading notes between kids, be sure you use a filter. I remember those notes, and I was a "good" kid. Class gets boring; those notes are sometimes the afternoon soap operas. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and stated for the shock value. Truth is relative.

You say that your child is a "good kid & fairly secure. AND a trustworthy kid - no past problems in the least." Peer pressure is an issue; he/she may still do something really stupid because everyone else did it. Will he still be a good kid? Just having a strong relationship between the two of you will be a much better gauge of your kid's character than reading a note. If that relationship is strong, what the pack thinks is right will play second fiddle to what you, the parent, have taught.

Excellent post NH, I agree.

I think not caring would be a mistake. If it's your kid, you are the responsible party, so it's your call. It's all good.

Exactly.

In theory, this absolutely is true. In reality, it might be true.
This is a hypothetical situation for me thus far, thank goodness, but there are a million variables out there that can derail a good, well-raised kid. I don't want to be an FBI agent with my kids, but neither do I want to be an ostrich.

Ditto here, one of the reasons I have a myspace. Your realtionship with your child and open lines of communication are key. It's funny, Sam has a boyfriend now and our communication with one another has really improved. I honestly had no idea how much guidance I would be giving her and she is welcoming it with open arms. I realize she's young but I hope we can keep this up. I could have never done this with my mom.

Follow your gut! Sometimes when you sense something needs to be checked, by all means check. I think when we stop listening to our instincts, then we start losing them. Case in point, when I just FELT something wasn't on the up and up with my son, couldn't put my finger on it, I just knew something was different. I decided to take his room apart while he was at school, found a Jim Beam bottle in a shoe box. I didn't say anything at first, but decided to put a mark on the bottle and see when and how much was being consumed. If I had confronted him immediately he probably would have said, "Oh, I was keeping it for ?"

So, I am kind of like my mom & dad, "as long as your feet are under my table," well, you know the rest. Of course, this is just my opinion.

Follow your gut! Sometimes when you sense something needs to be checked, by all means check. I think when we stop listening to our instincts, then we start losing them. Case in point, when I just FELT something wasn't on the up and up with my son, couldn't put my finger on it, I just knew something was different. I decided to take his room apart while he was at school, found a Jim Beam bottle in a shoe box. I didn't say anything at first, but decided to put a mark on the bottle and see when and how much was being consumed. If I had confronted him immediately he probably would have said, "Oh, I was keeping it for ?"

So, I am kind of like my mom & dad, "as long as your feet are under my table," well, you know the rest. Of course, this is just my opinion.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just feel his safety overrules his right to privacy in this instance. Otherwise, I do respect the boundaries. The 3 of us have great communication and I expect some confrontational attitude. But maybe that's what's needed.

I think I can go to bed and maybe get some sleep. Those who pm'd me, I'll get back to you tomorrow a.m. Thanks.

I never listened on the kids' phone conversations, opened mail or ransacked their rooms.
I did read a note from a girl to my older son.
It was in the laundry, folded but not in a sealed envelope. Lots of curlicues and rainbows.
It was very innocent and sweet. I also read a similar note from the kid to another girl, all written out, but apparently never sent. I can't remember how I came across this one, but it had to be out in the open. Anyway, it too was innocent and sweet, and confirmed some things that he and I had already talked about (he did not want to go to our neighborhood high school. And he didn't.)
Our older son, from age 14, was hell on wheels, and did not settle down until freshman year in college. I myself busted him on underage drinking, and so did the cops. And there were other transgressions.
And probably there was stuff I'll never know about.
After you have a couple of those 1am phone calls from police officers, reading a note in the laundry does not seem like such a terrible deed.

This is a no brainer. Yes I would and so should you. Parents need to act like parents and take control to help guide your children. As long as they are under your roof, you need to be there. I would not open any sealed letters or open a diary, but I do read over there work and look @ all books/folders for any signs of something strange. They are your responsibility, help them make good choices. Be pro-active in their life!

I never read anything that was hidden or closed. If left out open, in plain sight, I may or not have read the note. My girls were pretty good and honest so it wasn't a huge issue. If I thought there was a problem, I would have read notes and talked to others. Peer pressure is so strong and hard to combat. Even good, responsible children make mistakes.....life is hard these days.

Since there is no perfect formula for parenting, do what works best for you and your family. Listen to your intuitition, but be willing to deal with the truth. That is the really hard part.

You are the parent, not the friend. This is a hard concept for many folks to understand and master.

Control is difficult, and varies with kid, age, time of life, situation, and on and on. You do what your loving heart tells you is right. If you are not doing whatever it is that you do out of love, stop and think it over.

The kid will probably hate you for it, but that is the way it is. As long as there is genuine love and open communication, all should work out OK. Maybe not, but generally so.

I tried to have very open lines of communication with my boys as they were growing up. With my daughter it was very different. She was very independent and once she reached teen years we just didn't get along. After she moved out our relationship could never be better. I never read any notes but I did have a very good network that would report any wrongdoings. You need to trust your children but you also need to know when to step in and take control od a situation. That is a parent's job.

I don't think you should be reading your kid's journal or a note from a friend ...... unless you think there is something going on or that they left something out just so you would find it. This is a pretty common way for kids to let you know about something without having to start the awkward conversation and giving them an out (I didn't tell - my mom was snooping and found your note, text, etc.)

I DO think you should monitor the heell out of their internet use and what they are posting on Myspace etc. Teenagers and the internet scare the sheet out of me!

Far better to be an interfering or overprotective parent than an early grandparent, have a kid on drugs, or worse. Parents are usually the last to know and it's usually because "denial ain't just a river in Egypt" and they were uninvolved or worried about being their kid's friend!

sorry for the duplicate post - no idea why it did that

I don't think you should be reading your kid's journal or a note from a friend ...... unless you think there is something going on or that they left something out just so you would find it. This is a pretty common way for kids to let you know about something without having to start the awkward conversation and giving them an out (I didn't tell - my mom was snooping and found your note, text, etc.)

I DO think you should monitor the heell out of their internet use and what they are posting on Myspace etc. Teenagers and the internet scare the sheet out of me!

Far better to be an interfering or overprotective parent than an early grandparent, have a kid on drugs, or worse. Parents are usually the last to know and it's usually because "denial ain't just a river in Egypt" and they were uninvolved or worried about being their kid's friend!

There's no reading of journals or opening sealed letters. But he carelessly tosses notes everywhere, or in pants pockets from the laundry. And I've read most of them lately. (There are lots & LOTS of notes floating around our house.) The notes are always sugary sweet love notes, silly dialogue, hearts, etc. Surprisingly, no profanity or vulgar language. But when I noticed they've been too close lately, that's when I started taking this more seriously.

But you raise another thought provoking circumstance: How would monitoring their computer be any different? Some could say that this is an invasion of privacy as well. I mean, you can go thru the history and see what hits have been made. (yes, I've been there too; hits on topics that reinforce my worry).

Certainly, the most important issue here is to trust your child, hope you've taught them well, do the right thing and all that; let them live their consequences.

I was asked once when my son was a newborn, how things were going. I confidently replied that it was easy - couldn't believe how easy this baby stuff was. This wise gentleman (who at the time had a teenage daughter) smiled and said "it generally gets harder as they get older." I'll never forget that conversation.