Just a Funny

BAD ECONOMY

Business was terrible and not picking up.

Ed had to fire somebody,
and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Veronica or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.

When Veronica came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.

Ed approached her and said, "Veronica, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like crap. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.”

Jack was let go.

So ... A husband gets in the shower , just as his wife is getting out , when the doorbell rings . The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs . When she opens the door , there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor . Before she says a word , Bob says ," I'll give you $800.00 to drop that towel ..." After thinking for a moment , the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob . After a few seconds , Bob hands her $800.00 and leaves . The woman wraps back up in her towel and goes back upstairs . When she gets back to the bathroom , her husband asks , " Who was that , at the door ? " She says , " It was Bob , the next-door neighbor . " The husband replies , " Great ! Did he say anything about the $800.00 , he owes me ??? "

Once upon a time there were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty . . .
Say two Hail Mary's and be logical and forward this email to your friends!
Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.
And Math cannot survive without Logic

Tallahassee, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Tallahassee courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Florida State Seminoles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Tallahassee, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Tallahassee courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Florida State Seminoles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Ouch!

Ouch!

I probably should have prefaced that with the fact of I'm not a fan of any sports so it wasn't personal. But, it was funny.

OLD JOKE ABOUT THE ECONOMY

The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from up north is driving through town.

He stops at the hotel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is similar to how the United States Government is conducting business today

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Fatherly Wishes

A father texts his son:

"My Dear Son, Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies: "I know."

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air....

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the Donald Trump who you're holding underwater.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.



As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.



So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.



It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.




I think I'm a genius.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts' are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable..."

Christmas Barbie

Coming towards Christmas a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that his daughter asked Santa for a Barbie for Christmas.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for$19.95,Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's car,Ken's house, Ken's boat,
Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls

What does Roy Moore enjoy most about dating twenty eight year old girls.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
There are twenty of them.