Just a Funny

Words with Double meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........ Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........ Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said....... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

"My Brother's Keeper"

What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?


A prostitute asks, "Aren't you done yet?"

A girlfriend asks, "Are you done already?"

A wife says, "Beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

What the hell is a Uniom?

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Words That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Words That Are Very Difficult To Say When Drunk:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Words That Are Downright Impossible To Say When Drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

45 kisses those balls.

Putin said to Trump "Do as I say or urine big trouble."

Secret Service To Save Millions By Protecting President With Thoughts And Prayers Instead

The Secret Service has announced it will no longer be complaining about its budget being inadequate to protect President Trump and his large entourage.

This came after as they discovered an equally effective means to keep him from harm at a fraction of the cost.

“Really the credit should go to Paul Ryan who gave us the idea.”

Instead of trained agents following President Trump on his many expensive trips, they will now concentrate on protecting him from potential assailants using thoughts and prayers.

“Don’t worry because we’ll still have President Trump’s back. Or rather Ricardo in our new remote praying facility in Juarez will.”

The Secret Service defended outsourcing much of the work to Mexico, saying it made sense not just on economic grounds, but in terms of quality of protection provided as well.

“They pray real good down there.”

Secret Service To Save Millions By Protecting President With Thoughts And Prayers Instead

My favorite joke about confederate statues:

[removed]

Funny Friday:
http://hardnoxandfriends.com/2018/03/02/funny-friday-79/

Nailed It

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!!

It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.
But I say, 'No! I like it here. It's better than my house. I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:
You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to feed me
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family

My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.
It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house And what a deal it is for me!!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior. Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so that you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!
America is populated and governed by idiots.

If you agree, pass it on (in English).

If not blow it off......... along with your future Social Security funds and a lot of the former benefits of being an American Citizen.

Nailed It

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!!

It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.
But I say, 'No! I like it here. It's better than my house. I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:
You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to feed me
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family

My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.
It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house And what a deal it is for me!!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior. Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so that you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!
America is populated and governed by idiots.

If you agree, pass it on (in English).

If not blow it off......... along with your future Social Security funds and a lot of the former benefits of being an American Citizen.

I would love to speak a language other than English just so I didn't have to communicate with the person who wrote this jingoistic crap.