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An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Replies

819
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4021
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ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#403
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Jimmy T avatar
Beach Fanatic
#4041
From a friend. This is what happens when you'e retired.FB_IMG_1521979933858.jpg
Kaydence avatar
Beach Fanatic
#405
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his check book, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#406


YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD? APRIL FOOLS :lol:
&
HAPPY EASTER

Edited

PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#408
Investors should sue the President* for market losses. It is what he suggested to investors back in December against ABC News.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4091
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ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#410
Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
ASH avatar
Beach Fanatic
#4121
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Funny headline on the local Weather site to share with the group . LOL!
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#413
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4141
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Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4151
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Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#416
This is just hysterical. I keep busting out laughing out loud:

ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#417
Marriage Made In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple."

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4181
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Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4191
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Kaydence avatar
Beach Fanatic
#420
I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram pick up. Tri-Flex Fuel Truck It'll run on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E-85.
Had to take it back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
'Nelson', the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'Willie!' he continued, and 'On The Road Again came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, some old lady ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her.
I yelled, 'You Crazy b**ch!'
Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, The Democratic Leader and former speaker of the House ....Nancy Pelosi.”
Damn, I love this truck!...
God Bless America
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4211
35628957_2097626120296509_6516158037407825920_n.jpg
Beach Lover
#423
A frog named Jake Jagger walked into a bank and asked the teller, Ms Pat T Wac, for a loan.

She said in order to make a loan to a frog, she’d have to ask her manager.

Jake said to tell the manager that his father is Mic and to show him this tiny little plastic elephant.

Ms Wac went to her manager, told him that Jake Jagger was here asking for a loan, that his father is Mic Jagger and showed him the little elephant Jake gave her.

The manager said, (wait for it..........)

“Its a nick-nack, Pat T Wac, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone...”

Now tell me you’re not singing that ditty and probably will be for days!
Kaydence avatar
Beach Fanatic
#424
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#425
Kaydence avatar
Beach Fanatic
#426
Little Billy asked his teacher Miss Goodbody if he could be punished for something he didn't do and she replied, of course not, that would be very unfair. Little Billy said thank goodness and Miss Goodbody wanted to know why he asked her that, to which little Billy replied, cause I didn't do my homework last night! Smart little Billy

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