Just a Funny

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy ~ "I have a baseball."

Man ~ "That's nice."

Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"

Man ~ "No, thanks."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ "Its dark in here."

Man ~ "Yes, it is."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy ~ "$750?

Man ~ "Fine."

Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."

Boy ~ "My dad's outside."

Man ~ "OK, how much?"

Boy ~ "$250?

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy ~ "$1,000?

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, people who live in or are from northeast Alabama, north Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Southwestern Virginia will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES'.
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '
2 She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3 She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4 She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2 He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4 He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5 He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6 It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE'

Trump and Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, saying: "No thanks. My wife Melania will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead; my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

This is friggin' funny, ya'll! Loosen up!

Grandma's Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new young doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.. Looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you - there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out, patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night"

So I get home yesterday and my dog is laying on my deck covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raise rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners.
I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming....
So I go out and say... What's wrong???? Play it up etc.....
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
I think their gonna move.

Went out a couple of weeks ago to a Halloween Party dressed as a chicken.
Met a cute girl dressed as an egg.
A lifelong question was answered.
It was the chicken.

There was a huge and lavish wedding reception. At one point someone yelled out
"I want all the married men here to stand next to the one person who makes their life bearable!"



The bartender was nearly crushed.

A husband and wife are sitting around, watching television, as the husband keeps switching between two channels. ”Why do you keeping switching back and forth?” she asks. “There’s golf and there’s porno on, and I can’t decide which one to watch.” he says. “Oh, for heaven sakes,” she says, “watch the porno… you already know how to play golf.”

“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.

Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , and a master’s degree from Michigan
State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.

“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said…

"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer?

I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

I think he wet his pants.