Just a Funny

Four Great Religious Truths:

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four basic religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

I was driving by the bar today and was shocked to see my best friend's car in the parking and I stopped to see why he didn't invite me his best pal. I go in and see him on his fourth drink. So I asked him what's going on and he said, my wife ran off with my best friend last night! I said wait a minute, I thought I was your best friend. He ordered another drink, looked at me and said..... not anymore, he is!

THE WALL

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should the U.S. build Trump’s Mexican Wall?

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves

The Gastroenterologist’s had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.


Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing!"

The Barber

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airline's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?”

This was the event that prompted me to joined the birther movement.

Would you believe this about our favorite summer beverage? Shocking! This is alarming & scary stuff!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens)and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Old Age:

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the "gym" this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, and I don’t have acne. Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering: Have I posted this before????

Today in history, scientists announced they had successfully duplicated the sound heard just prior to the big bang. The sound heard was, "Uh Oh!".

Friendship between women:
A wife did not come home one night. The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at her friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s 10 best friends. NONE of them knew about it.



Friendship between Men:

A husband did not come home one night. The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 20 best male friends. Eighteen of them confirmed he had slept at their house and two of them claimed that he was still asleep.