Misty avatar
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An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Replies

819
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#477
GROWING UP IS A WEIRD NOTION TO WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND. AS YOU GO THROUGH LIFE, YOUR PERSPECTIVES ON ALMOST EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE. HOW YOU DEFINE SUCCESS WILL CHANGE AS WELL. THINGS THAT YOU THOUGHT WERE IMPORTANT AT THE AGE OF 35 WILL BE USELESS WHEN YOU'RE 65. YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT NOW, BUT EVERYTHING WILL SHIFT...


AT AGE 4 SUCCESS IS NOT PEEING IN YOUR PANTS.

AT AGE 12 SUCCESS IS HAVING FRIENDS.

AT AGE 16 SUCCESS IS HAVING A DRIVERS LICENSE.

AT AGE 20 SUCCESS IS HAVING SEX.

AT AGE 35 SUCCESS IS HAVING MONEY.

AT AGE 60 SUCCESS IS HAVING MONEY

.AT AGE 70 SUCCESS IS HAVING SEX.

AT AGE 80 SUCCESS IS HAVING A DRIVERS LICENSE.

AT AGE 85 SUCCESS IS HAVING FRIENDS.

AT AGE 90 SUCCESS IS NOT PEEING IN YOUR PANTS.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4781
4D466146-983D-4CB1-812A-A14F087FA293.jpeg
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#479
Computer Password

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects for his password "My penis".

As he proudly hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!
Rita avatar
margarita brocolia
#4801
58755011_10205799090492472_4593859760960307200_n.jpg
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#482
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to pass along good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said; "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "No, that would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"This is against my better judgement, but little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said; "I would say; Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Jimmy T avatar
Beach Fanatic
#483
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to pass along good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said; "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "No, that would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"This is against my better judgement, but little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said; "I would say; Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Ha! Little Johnny strikes again!
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#484
The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.The first man was an Engineer,The second man was an accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square”, do your stuff.

“T-square” pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,”Spreadsheet”, do your stuff.

“Spreadsheet” went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure”, do your stuff.

“Measure” got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak”, do your stuff.

“CoffeeBreak” jumped to his feet…….

Ate the cookies…….

Drank the milk…….

s**t on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats………

Claimed he injured his back while doing so…….

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……..

Put in for Workers Compensation…………….and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………..

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4851
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Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#486
ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#487
FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

1. A wise man once said: ‘We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.’

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legit…..
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4881
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ottomatik avatar
Beach Fanatic
#489
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth..

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4901
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Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4911
plant.jpg

Who is this guy?
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#493
RP
Well, yes, but I thought it might be more difficult. Scary...
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#4941
IMG_9586.JPG
PoppaJ avatar
SoWal Insider
#495
What is amazing is his voice is as good as in the late sixties. I was aboard ship in the Philippines when a new kid from California came aboard with led zeppelin's first album. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You blew me away and is still my number one favorite song.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#496
What is amazing is his voice is as good as in the late sixties. I was aboard ship in the Philippines when a new kid from California came aboard with led zeppelin's first album. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You blew me away and is still my number one favorite song.
Yeah, that song was so great.
Will B avatar
Moderator
#4981
I really enjoyed the Amish Christmas light display I went to last night!

FB_IMG_1576095170293.jpg
einnadica avatar
Beach Lover
#499
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#5001
BBBF4731-B64B-4C71-ACFC-70435238B77A.jpeg

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