Misty avatar
Banned
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An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Replies

819
Bob Wells avatar
Beach Fanatic
#521
FB_IMG_1450535204331.jpg
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#53
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#54
Got pulled over today..Cop came up and said he just worked a long day and ended his shift..He said if I had a good reason for speeding that he'd let me go..So I said Officer my wife left me 5 years ago for a cop, and I thought you was bringing her back..he said..have a good day Sir...
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#55
A Canadian, a Cuban and a white supremacist walk into a bar. Bartender says "What will you have Senator Cruz?"
carson avatar
Beach Fanatic
#56


106


Hillary for President

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Joke added 8 years, 5 months ago by maddog2840 in Celebrities > Hillary Clinton

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Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: Hillary for President Hillary Clinton gets elected ...
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#57
Bob avatar
SoWal Insider
#58
85 for O'town...a/c running.....still going to build a fire
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#59
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley
YOU RIDE IT!!
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#60
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
Andy A avatar
Beach Fanatic
#61
Misty, as usual, great! Keep them coming!
Bob avatar
SoWal Insider
#62
I thought Reader's Digest was kaputt.
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#63
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#64
Bob avatar
SoWal Insider
#65
people say the darndest things, page 235
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#66
Q: What's a seal poacher's favorite food?
A: Club sandwiches
Bob avatar
SoWal Insider
#67
We wear white robes north of the bay fellas.
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#68
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
Misty avatar
BannedAuthor
#69
A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t."
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#70
Q:What's a cannibal's favorite song?
A:Moonlight Marinade.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#71
We will give you time to retract that "joke", if you want to.
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#72
We will give you time to retract that "joke", if you want to.

You must be joking.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#73
It appears so...but humor can be an elusive thing... I've been trying to tell people about Randall Bramblett's excellent new album called "Devil Music", and nobody believes me... about what a real deal, authentic gumbo of wry lyrics, great rhythms, and blues like a soul who has lived it, kind of album it is... because they can't get over the title. And the title is all about a joke!, a fable about when Howling Wolf went to visit his Mama, after hittin' it big, and his Mama called it "Devil Music".... From my fifties years of study it, it is not devil music. Is this humor or irony? Am I on the right thread?
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#74
The joke is tight asses who can't get over the title.
Leader of the Banned avatar
Beach Fanatic
#75
It appears so...but humor can be an elusive thing... I've been trying to tell people about Randall Bramblett's excellent new album called "Devil Music", and nobody believes me... about what a real deal, authentic gumbo of wry lyrics, great rhythms, and blues like a soul who has lived it, kind of album it is... because they can't get over the title. And the title is all about a joke!, a fable about when Howling Wolf went to visit his Mama, after hittin' it big, and his Mama called it "Devil Music".... From my fifties years of study it, it is not devil music. Is this humor or irony? Am I on the right thread?

To quote George Carlin "As they say in the US Navy, there is no wrong hole." Well, the same thing applies to threads. Anyhow, there is no more devil music than there is unicorn music. Howlin' wolf's mama was a dumbass.
Lake View Too avatar
SoWal Insider
#76
You knew her "personally"?

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