Just a Funny

You knew her "personally"?

Nope, just judging her on that one particular item. Do I need more? I don't think so, but I've dug some up anyway.

The life and times of Howlin' Wolf

Wolf's mother was a real piece of work. She threw him out of the house when he was still a cub, forcing him to hike barefoot over frozen ground to his great uncle Will Young's house many miles away. Turns out it was your classic frying pan/fire scenario as Young was no picnic either... he was once described as 'the meanest man between here and hell.'

At the height of his success Wolf tried to reconcile with his mother. Offering her money, she took the cash and stamped it into the ground. She didn't want anything to do with his 'Devil music.' Lovely…

A good reason to howl.

Yesterday I was at my local grocery store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from my local grocery store .

Once again, a great one, Misty! Keep them coming.

Arrival In Heaven


All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted.


One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each

applicant did on his or her last day of life.


The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.


She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was

dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.


I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB

clinging to the rail by his fingertips.


I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He

let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.


On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our

antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.


At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart

attack and died."


The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.


The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on

the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.


I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but

some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.


I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked

up

I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."


The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the

waiting room.


He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."


"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding

in this cedar chest......"

Also a verygood one, LVT. Keep them comin'.

HOME SCHOOLED
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"



13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

Craftmanship!

I see things as they should be, and ask why not.

I look at most things and say wtf? But this, this is a true work of art. It's a Jackson Pollock in tree wood, f**king genius!

Crap, it's just a photo I stole off the internet, but hey, my five year old grandson has some mean crayon originals... $5k and they are all yours.

This ones for you Andy....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam..., you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Misty, I can certainly relate! My 85th was Dec. 27th.

Police refer to her son's criminal history as the "Track record".

.

Trump for President!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office".

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.