counseling/therapy for elderly parent??

[Teresa Cline]

Wow... has your mother ever been the "needy" type? Or is ALL of this new? If you don't mind, how old is she? Could she have had a stroke of some sort, something that drastically alters her behavior?
Gotta get a dr involved here.

She has had MRI, of the head and chest and full body scan too....nothing, well a little brain shrinkage which I was told is normal for her age.
she is 74,
I hate to say it but yes my mom has always been a "drama queen" but this stuff the last two yrs is way over the top and bordering on abusive.

 

[Teresa Cline]

all your comments and questions seem right, I have already asked them , acted on them,,,taken her to doctors,,,the problem for me, is, if you look at her she looks and acts like she is 90 and she is only 74 and there is no reason for her to look and act 94...and its killing me that I cant find the answers myself by researching and or finding a dr that can tell me why she is acting so strange.
Her husband is 94 and you cannot tell that there is 20 yrs difference in their age,she has become 94....its just not right...
Thats why I was looking for psychological help and for advice from someone else who has been though the elderly parents thing.
At what point do you take action-legal or otherwise to get them some help?
When is the appropriate time to demand,,,against their wishes....to make things better for them.

 

[Rudyjohn]

She has had MRI, of the head and chest and full body scan too....nothing, well a little brain shrinkage which I was told is normal for her age.
she is 74,
I hate to say it but yes my mom has always been a "drama queen" but this stuff the last two yrs is way over the top and bordering on abusive.

i think i read earlier that you have a sister. Do you have other siblings? Put your heads together, plot out a remedial plan, enlist help from some of her friends. I ended up using a few of my dad's friends. They coerced him into seeing things in a more sensible way. I couldn't have done it all w/out their help.

Does your mom or the family have an attorney who could help?

A few ultimatums put to your mom is not a bad idea to get her to tell you the name of her dr.

Is your dad any help?

And let's face it, she's gonna get PO'd at you big time. This is where the siblings can be of help, unless they were like mine - scared to take control of anything and would rather look the other way. :roll:


EDIT: I see where she does have a husband who's 94. No help there.

 

[Teresa Cline]

i think i read earlier that you have a sister. Do you have other siblings? Put your heads together, plot out a remedial plan, enlist help from some of her friends. I ended up using a few of my dad's friends. They coerced him into seeing things in a more sensible way. I couldn't have done it all w/out their help.

Does your mom or the family have an attorney who could help?

A few ultimatums put to your mom is not a bad idea to get her to tell you the name of her dr.

Is your dad any help?

And let's face it, she's gonna get PO'd at you big time. This is where the siblings can be of help, unless they were like mine - scared to take control of anything and would rather look the other way. :roll:


EDIT: I see where she does have a husband who's 94. No help there.

and she does not have any friends,,,its one of my huge issues with her,,,trying to tell her this is not right,its not healthy to live without friends.
My sister and I are both on the same page with what to do ....if we knew what to do and when to do it...we have been in a wait and see position for some time,,,,waiting for some signal or sign,,,,waiting for our "guts" to tell us its time.

 

[Beach Runner]

thank you Beach Runner.

I think this is what it is...maybe not Alzheimer but some kind of dementia, She does act crazy,,,she gets on a "LOOP" of some kind and gets wiggy, says things that are irrational...like she cant get her groceries b/c the sun hurts her skin....and I tell her wear a long sleeve shirt but she cant get off the loop of this no matter how much you try to tell her that she wont be in the sun more than from the car to the store.. Truthfully I think she enjoys being the center of attention, getting me or my sister all worked up, she even seems to enjoy the "upset ness" of her irrational behavior, if that makes any sense. She WILL NOT follow through with anything all 4 local doctors have tried to treat her with. We have tried everything from medications for mysterious illnesses (unfounded by all the testing) to approaching it holistically. These "serious" ailments seem to go away after she has run everyone through the ringer over them. She is capable of taking care of herself and absolutely refuses any kind of hired help, is suspicious of our opinion that she needs someone to help her emotional issues...she refuses to believe her behavior is irrational.
But her behavior is irrational. she actually sounds wiggy,,,yesterday she had a meltdown in the morning as she was going out to get groceries, it escalated into a full blown what she calls "panic attacks" and when I try to talk her out of it she gets on another loop about something unrelated,and you CAN NOT calm her down unless you do want she want RIGHT NOW...yesterday it was going after her groceries. When I said I could not drop everything and go it got ugly...probably my fault as I have very little patience with being manipulated. She ended calling my about a dozen times throughout the day leaving messages on my service in a pitiful voice....about please go get her groceries...then by evening she has switched modes and is leaving messages like "hi its MOM just checking on you" in a cheery voice to a hateful message at 7:30 this morning demanding to know why I HATE HER SO MUCH. (and she is never up that early,,,,most of the time you cant talk to her till 9am.)
I am really struggling with all of this....is this normal?

Sounds just like my Mom at the beginning stages of dementia.

BTW before the first stages of dementia (or maybe it was part of it?) my Mom started insisting on being the center of attention. And if she wanted to get our attention (like once when we were checking in at Sandestin), she'd go to a complete stranger (in that case, the bellman) and tell the person that she was having chest pains, but that her family didn't care.

Oh, and when we moved my Mom to Newnan before the dementia kicked in, she told her new doctor that she was diabetic (not true), that she wasn't allowed to eat beef or pork (not true), and that she had a colon resection (not true). Thankfully, I was with her to set the record straight.

Also at the beginning of all of this, Mother was entirely capable of taking care of herself. Yet she accused our daughter of stealing money out of her checking account. Daughter doesn't know Mom's SSN, her account numbers, or even where she banks. I got a printout of every transaction for several years to document where Mom's money went and showed Mom that none of it went to daughter. But there were some strange debits. It turns out that several bogus "charities" plus some magazines (like "Highlights for Children" and one that sent her 10 recipes on index cards for $30 a month, yet she didn't cook!) had called Mom and asked for her banking info, she gave it to them, and they electronically debited money from her account every month. It took us forever to get that stopped. Finally we got power of attorney and changed all of her account numbers so that no more crooks could take her money. Again, this all happened before she was diagnosed with dementia.

TCline, it will be a learning process for you.

 

[Beach Runner]

She has had MRI, of the head and chest and full body scan too....nothing, well a little brain shrinkage which I was told is normal for her age.
she is 74,
I hate to say it but yes my mom has always been a "drama queen" but this stuff the last two yrs is way over the top and bordering on abusive.

Mom's brain scan showed signs of dementia.

Mom also had always been a drama queen, but she became very abusive towards me. During the early stages I remember taking Mom to the doctor and then to a drugstore to get a prescription filled. She was refusing to get it filled and started screaming mean insults to me in the store. A crowd gathered. They called the police. I asked her to come with me and get in the car. She refused and said she would walk home. I told her to get in the car immediately because in my position I didn't want to get arrested for disturbing the peace. She finally got in the car just before the police arrived.

This all started when Mom was about 77.

Based on my experiences, your Mom has the classic symptoms of the beginning of dementia. Sorry.

 

[Teresa Cline]

Sounds just like my Mom at the beginning stages of dementia.

BTW before the first stages of dementia (or maybe it was part of it?) my Mom started insisting on being the center of attention. And if she wanted to get our attention (like once when we were checking in at Sandestin), she'd go to a complete stranger (in that case, the bellman) and tell the person that she was having chest pains, but that her family didn't care.

Oh, and when we moved my Mom to Newnan before the dementia kicked in, she told her new doctor that she was diabetic (not true), that she wasn't allowed to eat beef or pork (not true), and that she had a colon resection (not true). Thankfully, I was with her to set the record straight.

Also at the beginning of all of this, Mother was entirely capable of taking care of herself. Yet she accused our daughter of stealing money out of her checking account. Daughter doesn't know Mom's SSN, her account numbers, or even where she banks. I got a printout of every transaction for several years to document where Mom's money went and showed Mom that none of it went to daughter. But there were some strange debits. It turns out that several bogus "charities" plus some magazines (like "Highlights for Children" and one that sent her 10 recipes on index cards for $30 a month, yet she didn't cook!) had called Mom and asked for her banking info, she gave it to them, and they electronically debited money from her account every month. It took us forever to get that stopped. Finally we got power of attorney and changed all of her account numbers so that no more crooks could take her money. Again, this all happened before she was diagnosed with dementia.

TCline, it will be a learning process for you.

wow,,,your story about your mom does sound like what is happening to my mother,,,early stages. Its so exasperating because I still have completely lucid normal times with her, this is so sad to know where this is going.So it looks like I cannot let her rattle me like she has been doing because she's really not completely connecting the dots anymore. Again...this is so sad. What you say about your mom saying inappropriate things in public fits the scenario too,,,I was baffled by it, and embarrassed. I can see from your statements that you have been stressed, overwhelmed by this ,,,,where is you mom now? what did you do ?
how do you feel about assisted living type facilities?
Did or does you Mom know what is happening to her?
did you talk about it with her? as in tell her whats going on?
thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.
I have never really been around this kind of thing.
my grandparents died when I was very young.

 

[Beach Runner]

all your comments and questions seem right, I have already asked them , acted on them,,,taken her to doctors,,,the problem for me, is, if you look at her she looks and acts like she is 90 and she is only 74 and there is no reason for her to look and act 94...and its killing me that I cant find the answers myself by researching and or finding a dr that can tell me why she is acting so strange.
Her husband is 94 and you cannot tell that there is 20 yrs difference in their age,she has become 94....its just not right...
Thats why I was looking for psychological help and for advice from someone else who has been though the elderly parents thing.
At what point do you take action-legal or otherwise to get them some help?
When is the appropriate time to demand,,,against their wishes....to make things better for them.

Okay, you need to get legal and medical power of attorney ASAP for both of them. Otherwise you will have no power to help them. This is what Mom's lawyer advised me when she first acted crazier than her usual crazy. Your parents will sign the papers because their generation is very respectful of lawyers and doctors and does not question their advice. You have their best interests in mind, so don't feel guilty. If you don't have that legal power, you will be in an impossible situation when they get ill. When Mom got really sick in April, she would not have received proper care because there would have been no one with the legal power to advocate on her behalf.

Get the papers signed ASAP!

 

[Teresa Cline]

Okay, you need to get legal and medical power of attorney ASAP for both of them. Otherwise you will have no power to help them. This is what Mom's lawyer advised me when she first acted crazier than her usual crazy. Your parents will sign the papers because their generation is very respectful of lawyers and doctors and does not question their advice. You have their best interests in mind, so don't feel guilty. If you don't have that legal power, you will be in an impossible situation when they get ill. When Mom got really sick in April, she would not have received proper care because there would have been no one with the legal power to advocate on her behalf.

Get the papers signed ASAP!

well some/most people of that generation might be respectful...but not my mother, she is still with it enough to react horribly to something like that. she has always been a control freak in the first degree. I do not know how I am going to get power of attorney, it wont happen without a horrible meltdown from her.
thats why I have to wonder if she is really as feeble as she likes to pretend...I think sometimes she has "dementia" on demand -when she needs it...

 

[Beach Runner]

wow,,,your story about your mom does sound like what is happening to my mother,,,early stages. Its so exasperating because I still have completely lucid normal times with her, this is so sad to know where this is going.So it looks like I cannot let her rattle me like she has been doing because she's really not completely connecting the dots anymore. Again...this is so sad. What you say about your mom saying inappropriate things in public fits the scenario too,,,I was baffled by it, and embarrassed. I can see from your statements that you have been stressed, overwhelmed by this ,,,,where is you mom now? what did you do ?
how do you feel about assisted living type facilities?
Did or does you Mom know what is happening to her?
did you talk about it with her? as in tell her whats going on?
thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.
I have never really been around this kind of thing.
my grandparents died when I was very young.

I have never been around old folks either. This is an on-the-fly education for me.

Once we realized that Mom was "goofy", we hired a CNA to come in during the day to stay with her at her home. But one night she got up and fell. When the CNA arrived the next morning, Mom was on the floor. She had broken her hip, had to have surgery, was in the hospital for a week, and then in a rehab facility for several weeks. When rehab was over, we had already come to the conclusion that she couldn't be alone at night. Mother can afford to have 24/7 nursing care at home, but if a shift does a no-show, we're in a dilemma. Brother works thirty minutes away, I work an hour away, and sister is a plane ride away. There is no such thing as a substitute professor because no one anywhere nearby knows what I know, and classes can't be rescheduled because it's impossible to find an alternative time that works for everyone. Plus the class schedule is a legal contract with a student -- they or their parents are paying many thousands of dollars to take each of my classes, so I can't just do a no-show more than once or twice unless I personally am ill.

So we chose a small assisted-living facility. It is really nice, and we moved her furniture in so that she thinks she is at home.

Then in April she had an episode with a-fib and a huge blood clot. We were told that death was eminent. But the Heparin dissolved the clot, and she survived. We were told that she didn't have long to live, so we put her into hospice. She's a fighter -- she got too well for hospice ,and we moved her to rehab and has been there since Memorial Day weekend. She can't carry on a conversation, but last week when I asked her if there was anything I could do for her (not expecting an answer), she said, "Get me out of this place." She knows she is in a nursing home, and I have to explain to her repeatedly that she is in this place so that she can get strong enough to move back "home" -- to assisted living. I tell you, it is heartbreaking whenever she has her random lucid moments and I have to explain what is happening to her. I think that by the end of this month, she will be strong enough to move back to her apartment at assisted living, but we will hire CNA's around the clock to give her extra care. After my grandmother was in a nursing home, Mom has said that she would rather be dead than in a nursing home. So by getting Mom out of the nursing home (necessary for her rehab), we will be respecting her wishes.

Again, I am here for you. PM me whenever.