counseling/therapy for elderly parent??

thank you all very much for sharing your information.
I will move towards getting a POA but its unlikely she will sign anything as she is already convinced I want to "put her away" or put her in a nursing home. Shes has always been so bullheaded and stubborn. Shes one of those people you can never tell her anything,,,its her way or no, way kind of person. Or she agrees to something and then just does what she wants to behind your back.,,,shes was"difficult" person even when she was younger.

She was tested for vitamin deficiency, had the whole panel of tests done, even the one for food allergies, yes she is deficient in the b vitamins. We took her to Dr Coetze for all of this, he did give her a couple of intravenous treatments but lordy,,,I had to hear about how"weird" she felt all the way home and she acted like she'd been dosed with some kind of narcotic for how loony she was!,,,drama queen on drugs gets even more suspicious of evil doctor and daughter....its very trying. I have her taking the sub-lingual...or I think she is anyway,,,I ask her abot it all the time.
She is very anti doctor, believed in self treatment and has been a staunch advocate of health and wellness all her life, she thinks she can doctor herself .

thank you all again for your input...I was at wits end the other day with her. Not knowing anyone else who has been through this left me feeling helpless
and the problem remains in that I am not sure how much of her erratic behavior is really totally dementia related or tantrum for attention related. I am confused by her ability to be perfectly sane and rational and then go off into wiggy land and then back into sanity again.

thank you all very much for sharing your information.
I will move towards getting a POA but its unlikely she will sign anything as she is already convinced I want to "put her away" or put her in a nursing home. Shes has always been so bullheaded and stubborn. Shes one of those people you can never tell her anything,,,its her way or no, way kind of person. Or she agrees to something and then just does what she wants to behind your back.,,,shes was"difficult" person even when she was younger.

She was tested for vitamin deficiency, had the whole panel of tests done, even the one for food allergies, yes she is deficient in the b vitamins. We took her to Dr Coetze for all of this, he did give her a couple of intravenous treatments but lordy,,,I had to hear about how"weird" she felt all the way home and she acted like she'd been dosed with some kind of narcotic for how loony she was!,,,drama queen on drugs gets even more suspicious of evil doctor and daughter....its very trying. I have her taking the sub-lingual...or I think she is anyway,,,I ask her abot it all the time.
She is very anti doctor, believed in self treatment and has been a staunch advocate of health and wellness all her life, she thinks she can doctor herself .

thank you all again for your input...I was at wits end the other day with her. Not knowing anyone else who has been through this left me feeling helpless
and the problem remains in that I am not sure how much of her erratic behavior is really totally dementia related or tantrum for attention related. I am confused by her ability to be perfectly sane and rational and then go off into wiggy land and then back into sanity again.

That is just part of dementia. When you present her with the legal power of attorney and medical power of attorney papers, just tell her that this is for her own good in case she gets sick. Tell her that you want to know what her preferences are if she were to get ill because if you don't have the power to advocate for her, the hospital staff will make the decisions, and they won't have her wishes in mind -- they will just think of what is best for their bottom line. This is totally true from what I've seen. If she still is belligerent, ask her who she'd rather make the decisions regarding her life and her possessions, you or someone who doesn't care.

If that doesn't work, tell her about my Mom. Tell her that if I hadn't intervened with my medical power of attorney, they would have just written Mom off and she'd be dead now. When Mom was in the hospital, we were inundated by a hospice provider whose representatives seemed so sweet and caring. Then I realized that THEY WANTED US TO SIGN UP MOM ASAP FOR HOSPICE BECAUSE THEY GET THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY FROM MEDICARE AFTER A PATIENT SIGNS UP FOR HOSPICE WHETHER THE PATIENT LIVES 1 DAY OR 90 DAYS. AFTER WE SIGNED UP WITH THEM, THEY ENCOURAGED US TO TAKE MOM OFF ALL MEDS BECAUSE THE SOONER MOM MIGHT HAVE DIED, THE MORE MONEY THEY'D MAKE BECAUSE THEY'D HAVE FEWER OF THE 90 DAYS TO ACTUALLY CARE FOR HER. If I had not had medical power of attorney, Mom would be dead because she was too sick and demented to see what these crooks were doing. I actually should give the credit to our daughter because sister and I were so tired and confused that we were mesmerized by these crooks. Daughter was pre-med/psych at Georgia Tech and saw straight through these people. She really saved her grandmother's life, but it wouldn't have been possible for me to intervene if I had not had medical power of attorney.

thank you all very much for sharing your information.
I will move towards getting a POA but its unlikely she will sign anything as she is already convinced I want to "put her away" or put her in a nursing home. Shes has always been so bullheaded and stubborn. Shes one of those people you can never tell her anything,,,its her way or no, way kind of person. Or she agrees to something and then just does what she wants to behind your back.,,,shes was"difficult" person even when she was younger.

She was tested for vitamin deficiency, had the whole panel of tests done, even the one for food allergies, yes she is deficient in the b vitamins. We took her to Dr Coetze for all of this, he did give her a couple of intravenous treatments but lordy,,,I had to hear about how"weird" she felt all the way home and she acted like she'd been dosed with some kind of narcotic for how loony she was!,,,drama queen on drugs gets even more suspicious of evil doctor and daughter....its very trying. I have her taking the sub-lingual...or I think she is anyway,,,I ask her abot it all the time.
She is very anti doctor, believed in self treatment and has been a staunch advocate of health and wellness all her life, she thinks she can doctor herself .

thank you all again for your input...I was at wits end the other day with her. Not knowing anyone else who has been through this left me feeling helpless
and the problem remains in that I am not sure how much of her erratic behavior is really totally dementia related or tantrum for attention related. I am confused by her ability to be perfectly sane and rational and then go off into wiggy land and then back into sanity again.

This sounds like how my dad was too. Bull-headed, anti-dr. He was pretty much one of the original "birkinstock guys", no meds, always blissfully healthy. When we were growing up we had to eat fish, no processed foods, no sugar or white bread. So yes, it was very hard to get him to see that he needed to be cared for by a few drs and that he was endangering himself and others with the decline of his health. It was very hard because he was SO LUCID, but he was frail, falling, but then driving, etc.

To make a very long (& boring) story short, he finally relented and signed the POA with the urging of several business colleagues. Talk about hurting his pride... And in all honesty, he was never quite the same for his remaining years. But I couldn't have him kill someone accidentally.

It's tough. Take care.

Ohhhhh, I feel your pain. I treat patients like this everyday....it's really much harder for family. My advice is always this....if there is a sibling that lives out of town, then consider letting that sibling do some of the dirty work. It is so much harder on the sibling who is living close by to successfully care for a parent if they are constantly being blamed by that parent. Someone has to be the fall guy, there's no way around it.

Has anyone done mental testing? The mini-mental test is a good, quick way to gauge if there is in fact some dementia and, if so, how advanced. It certainly sounds like she has some sort of mental disorder brewing. It can be as simple as delirium from her not taking her meds right, or more serious like a dementia. There are many medication options, many involve a patch or injections that are good for patients who may not take their medication by mouth routinely. You or your sister will simply have to take your Mom to a healthcare provider for treatment. She sounds a little paranoid and delusional to me.

Regardless of what is going on, the Alzheimer's Association is a fabulous resource for you. Check out their site at: www.alz.org
Not only do they have tips on how to handle certain behaviors, they have a 24 hour hotline that can be an enormous support to you. You can call if you need to vent, if you have questions, etc.

Focus on the good days. When your Mom is lucid and agreeable, have her sign the durable power of attorney. This allows you to make decisions for her only if she is incapacitated.

You cannot go this alone. You have to get a healthcare provider on board with you.....it will take the whole lot of you to figure this out and manage this effectively. PM Skunky and ask him if he can help or if he knows anyone that he can refer you to.

Good luck! Know that you are not alone.

So hard!

I have never been around old folks either. This is an on-the-fly education for me.

Once we realized that Mom was "goofy", we hired a CNA to come in during the day to stay with her at her home. But one night she got up and fell. When the CNA arrived the next morning, Mom was on the floor. She had broken her hip, had to have surgery, was in the hospital for a week, and then in a rehab facility for several weeks. When rehab was over, we had already come to the conclusion that she couldn't be alone at night. Mother can afford to have 24/7 nursing care at home, but if a shift does a no-show, we're in a dilemma. Brother works thirty minutes away, I work an hour away, and sister is a plane ride away. There is no such thing as a substitute professor because no one anywhere nearby knows what I know, and classes can't be rescheduled because it's impossible to find an alternative time that works for everyone. Plus the class schedule is a legal contract with a student -- they or their parents are paying many thousands of dollars to take each of my classes, so I can't just do a no-show more than once or twice unless I personally am ill.

So we chose a small assisted-living facility. It is really nice, and we moved her furniture in so that she thinks she is at home.

Then in April she had an episode with a-fib and a huge blood clot. We were told that death was eminent. But the Heparin dissolved the clot, and she survived. We were told that she didn't have long to live, so we put her into hospice. She's a fighter -- she got too well for hospice ,and we moved her to rehab and has been there since Memorial Day weekend. She can't carry on a conversation, but last week when I asked her if there was anything I could do for her (not expecting an answer), she said, "Get me out of this place." She knows she is in a nursing home, and I have to explain to her repeatedly that she is in this place so that she can get strong enough to move back "home" -- to assisted living. I tell you, it is heartbreaking whenever she has her random lucid moments and I have to explain what is happening to her. I think that by the end of this month, she will be strong enough to move back to her apartment at assisted living, but we will hire CNA's around the clock to give her extra care. After my grandmother was in a nursing home, Mom has said that she would rather be dead than in a nursing home. So by getting Mom out of the nursing home (necessary for her rehab), we will be respecting her wishes.

Again, I am here for you. PM me whenever.

I just feel for those of us in this situation. I also feel for the parents. They are from the generation that does not like to ask for help. My father told the rehab/nursing home as he was released "I hope I die before I ever have to come back here". I heart just broke. I am of the sandwich generation. I have a 3, 8, and 11 year old and my 69 year old father at home. My mother-in-law was just diagnosed with dementia. I try to look at it as a blessing for my children. I have to tell myself several times a day to be patient, patient , patient!!! And this is how much we love Seagrove, we bring them both with us on vacation. That is dedication

I just feel for those of us in this situation. I also feel for the parents. They are from the generation that does not like to ask for help. My father told the rehab/nursing home as he was released "I hope I die before I ever have to come back here". I heart just broke. I am of the sandwich generation. I have a 3, 8, and 11 year old and my 69 year old father at home. My mother-in-law was just diagnosed with dementia. I try to look at it as a blessing for my children. I have to tell myself several times a day to be patient, patient , patient!!! And this is how much we love Seagrove, we bring them both with us on vacation. That is dedication

Oh yes, it is so hard. When my dad was in the nursing home in Marianna, he was pretty good as long as his car was parked out near his window and he could see it, it made him feel better. Then, he started paying a male "nursing assistant" to take him on drives. THEN he started paying this same man to pretend to take him on drives but HE was actually driving (& getting into trouble). I was getting calls, telling me to get him in control. He wouldn't comply. I finally had to sell his beloved car. I cannot begin to tell you how hurt he was. It did just about kill me. (It still bothers me today.)

My son was 2 - 6 yrs old while all this was going on. I have a brother who lives in Mobile, 2 hrs away from the nursing home in Marianna, and he never once lifted a finger to help. Neither did my sister who lives in NM (but her children were grown and out of the house). It took ME, living in Chicago, 900 miles away with a toddler, to take care of my dad. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But we do what we have to do to care for our aging parents.

But, one thing I learned from all of this was never leave my adult child in a situation like this. Provisions should always be made, if possible.

I just feel for those of us in this situation. I also feel for the parents. They are from the generation that does not like to ask for help. My father told the rehab/nursing home as he was released "I hope I die before I ever have to come back here". I heart just broke. I am of the sandwich generation. I have a 3, 8, and 11 year old and my 69 year old father at home. My mother-in-law was just diagnosed with dementia. I try to look at it as a blessing for my children. I have to tell myself several times a day to be patient, patient , patient!!! And this is how much we love Seagrove, we bring them both with us on vacation. That is dedication

That *is* dedication. We brought Mom to the beach until she wasn't physically able to make the trip.

Now since earlier this year when she became totally incontinent and couldn't take care of personal hygiene, we can't even take her out to a restaurant like we used to because the odor gets too bad. I don't bring her to our house overnight for holidays because I can't deal with changing the diapers. I guess I'm a terrible person, but I just can't stomach it. We also can't bring her to our house for the day because she can't handle the two hours of driving since we live an hour away. So we just go visit her in the nursing home.