Funnies

[savvytangerine]

Thanks for this thread FLgirl - it made my night!

 

[florida girl]

Got another one that I thought was hilarious!

Airline Mechanics

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

+----+----+----+----+----+----+

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Air craft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

(And the best one for last............)

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[florida girl]

Here's another one!

 

[flipflopflo]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack. "Ms. Whack," he says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat." Patti furrows her brow and asks, "Well, how much do you want to borrow?" "$30,000," the frog says. The teller writes this down, then asks his name. "My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger." "Really?" she asks, eyebrow raised. "Yes," he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. "And I want to use this as collateral." "Ummm, okay," Patti says, accepting the elephant. "I'll have to ask the owner about this." "That's fine," he says. "He'll vouch for me." Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this" — she holds up the tiny pink elephant — "as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?" The owner says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[elgordoboy]

 

[florida girl]

Some one sent me this and I just had to share!


To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.

I can not wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife,
XXX












P.S. Your girlfriend called.