Just a Funny

[Kaydence]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

 

[Kaydence]

 

[ASH]

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a trafficcamera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!

You can't fix stupid.

 

[ottomatik]

Sad News From Georgia

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday in Atlanta of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. One of them was "The Grand Empire Resort"
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[Lake View Too]

 

[Kaydence]

Smile of the day ~ A Nun At Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, rushed into a local Hooters.

Every time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, 'said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out of, and the whole place stopped. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I do not understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? '

Well, now they know you're the one of us, 'said the bartender,' Would you like a drink? '' No thank you, but, I still do not understand, 'said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

 

[Kaydence]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire", I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him.........
"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[Lake View Too]

 

[Kaydence]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

 

[ottomatik]

Woman Delivering a Message


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..."Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartenders lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."