Just a Funny

[Lake View Too]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.


The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly'.

The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

 

[ottomatik]

Man's best friend
A man's best friend

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. Once a year forhis checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For thishe pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a niceneighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is notrequired to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. Hehas his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

my dog is a democrat

 

[Leader of the Banned]

Man's best friend
A man's best friend

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. Once a year forhis checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For thishe pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a niceneighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is notrequired to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. Hehas his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

my dog is a democrat

You left out he's the most educated one in the household.

 

[Lake View Too]

 

[Lake View Too]

 

[LarsAtTheBeach]

 

[ottomatik]

How We Became a 2 Party System
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.

 

[Jimmy T]

 

[ottomatik]

 

[Leader of the Banned]

A woman has a terrible accident. She is alive. But, just barely and they rush her to the hospital. The husband is summoned and he rushes to the hospital where the ER doc meets him. The ER doc tells the man that his wife will live. But, she will need care for the rest of her life. She will not be able to feed herself and he, the husband will have to do all of the cooking and spoon feed his wife for the rest of her life. She will not be able to bathe. So, he will need to learn how to bathe her and there is a support group that will help him learn the whole procedure. She will not be able to move and she will need to be moved or she will get bed sores that will drain puss and the sheets will have to be changed often. And, she will not be able to control her bladder or her bowel movements. She will soil the bed sheets and they will have to be cleaned maybe twice a day sometimes. She will also have to be cleaned often every day. The husband completely broke down sobbing uncontrollably about the terrible condition of his wife. The ER doc put his hand on the distraught man's shoulder and said, "I'm just messing with you! She's dead!"