On a lighter note..

[DD]

Two good ole boys in an Oklahoma trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer After a while the 1st guy says to 2nd,"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"


The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question, finally, he
says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE... I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of Your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said.

"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, I hope you've got a
good appetite because they shut off my electricity this morning"

 

[John R]

that's a great one. here's another.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?


Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when
they know there is not enough money?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on
your first try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?


When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our
ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
"It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That
hurt, you stupid idiot?"


Why is it that whenever you attempt to! catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[mleigh]

TWO NUNS
>
>
> There were two nuns...
>
> One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
>
> and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
>
> It is getting dark and they are still far away from
> the convent.
>
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following
> us for
> the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
> what he wants.
>
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
> minutes
> at the most! What can we do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to
> walk faster.
>
> SM: It's not working.
>
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
> logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
>
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
> us in one minute.
>
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You
> go that way and
> I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>
>
> Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
> worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
>
> Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
> Tell me what happened!
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened.
> The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
>
> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to
> run
> as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as
> he could.
>
> SM: And?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
>
> SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress
> up.
>
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his
> pants.
>
>
>
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
> A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with
> his pants down.
>
> And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
>
> I'll pray for you!
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>
>
>

 

[audie]

:clap_1: good ones !

 

[kathydwells]

:clap_1: :funn:

 

[AugustInTransit]

Here's one I heard from my manager today. He told me this because there was a bird trapped in our store (I work at Staples, how weird is that?)

There was a homeless man sitting in a dark alleyway cooking a pigeon over a small, newspaper fed flame. A police officer notices the fire and walks down the alley to confront the man. After the officer realized what the homeless gentleman was doing he said, "Um, sir, it's a serious offense to kill pigeons in this city, they're protected legally. You could be fined or even put in jail for this." The homeless man sighs and responds, "I know, officer, but I'm so hungry and have not been able to get enough money from begging that I've nothing else to eat. Please, let me off this once?" The officer took pity and agreed to let the offense slide this once. "Just don't make it a habit," he said as he turned away. "Yessir" the homless man answered.

After the officer was a few steps away, he turned around and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what does a pigeon taste like?"

The homeless man shrugged. "Like a mix between bald eagle and spotted owl."

--

It's horrible, I know.

 

[audie]

:funn:

 

[iwishiwasthere]

Just what I needed at the end of a longggggggggg day!

 

[Allifunn]

I love this thread!

 

[iwishiwasthere]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,? "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Another funny.....

There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and we kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"