To all of you who have sent me e-mails for all these years, THANKS!
I must now send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
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Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
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I no longer have any savings because I gave all my money to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in a hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
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So I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail tracking program.
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I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
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I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
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I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.
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Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
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Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
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I no longer can buy gasoline without taking another person along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
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I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
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And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me
for life.
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I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
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I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me. Also, I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al-Qaeda in disguise.
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I no longer shop at Target, because they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
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I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.
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I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
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I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have
their recipe.
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Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own, lest a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
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Thank you, too, for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
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And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
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Oh, and don't forget this one either: I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
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If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this
afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
Have a wonderful day . . . .
:funn:
:bicycle: :boxing: :lie:
