This one goes straight to the pope

[LuciferSam]

Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels | The Onion - America's Finest News Source ATICAN CITY?Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.

Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter's Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his "most humble apologies" to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.

"This is absolutely unacceptable," Pope Benedict said. "It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors."

"And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood," he continued. "They should know that they're only allowed one small child every other month."

The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of "tender, tender young flesh" had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.

"The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation?it's simply unavoidable," Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi said. "But the fact that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for centuries."

"The majority of priests don't want to molest kids at all," he added. "But for those who do, we must make sure they're doing it at a reasonable rate."

Following the pope's speech, the Vatican released a statement outlining its plan to reduce pedophilia. Starting next year, specially trained cardinals will make unannounced visits to inspect and observe random churches in order to ensure they are not going beyond diocese-wide molestation caps. The inspector-cardinals will grade each parish based on long, private interviews with altar boys in darkened church basements, and careful observation of priests' sexual activity.

Yeah, kind of like with carbon. They're going to try to manage their "molestation footprint". (I realize it's the Onion)

 

[Bob]

poor taste may be in the eye of the beholder!?

 

[LuciferSam]

I could do without the Teriyaki Jesus.

 

[Geo]

Fair point, Bob...

Just to clarify my point. I think the reason the piece by The Onion doesn't come off well for me personally is because it isn't off the wall satire that is funny. It's pretty much true!!!

 

[Bob]

Fair point, Bob...

Just to clarify my point. I think the reason the piece by The Onion doesn't come off well for me personally is because it isn't off the wall satire that is funny. It's pretty much true!!!

beware any large organization of your fellow species[rhymes w/feces].

 

[scooterbug44]

On a serious note, priests aren't molesting kids any more than the general population is molesting them. (grammar?)

1/3 girls and 1/5 boys will deal with the issue before age 18, so don't think a lack of a Roman Collar means they are safe.

Relatives and family friends are the biggest dangers - not strangers.

 

[Rita]

.
more out today:
AP EXCLUSIVE: Future pope stalled pedophile case - Yahoo! News


"The future Pope Benedict XVI resisted pleas to defrock a California priest with a record of sexually molesting children, citing concerns including "the good of the universal church," according to a 1985 letter bearing his signature. ....................

The diocese recommended removing Kiesle (KEEZ'-lee) from the priesthood in 1981, the year Ratzinger was appointed to head the Vatican office that shared responsibility for disciplining abusive priests.

The case then languished for four years at the Vatican before Ratzinger finally wrote to Oakland Bishop John Cummins. It was two more years before Kiesle was removed; during that time he continued to do volunteer work with children through the church. ..................

But the future pope also noted that any decision to defrock Kiesle must take into account the "good of the universal church" and the "detriment that granting the dispensation can provoke within the community of Christ's faithful, particularly considering the young age." Kiesle was 38 at the time. ..................."


.

 

[LuciferSam]

When priests engage in this kind of activity it's like a policeman burglarizing homes or a doctor deliberately infecting his patients.

 

[AlphaCrab]

When priests engage in this kind of activity it's like a policeman burglarizing homes or a doctor deliberately infecting his patients.

Whoa..a biting, but very true comment. Maybe this will help get the Chruch out of its fantasy land and become a little more secularly realistic--I think it will better the world and the Catholic Church in the long run.

 

[Geo]

Church Inc's crisis PR campaign began with denials and pointing the finger at the media. It painted itself as the victim. The CEO remained silent.

Realizing these tactics are not working, they are softening their stance and indicate that are going through a process of reform.

Here are my unsolicited suggestions for Church Inc to survive this scandal:

The CEO should deliver a press conference during which he will admit that abuse and coverup were rampant for decades. He should apologize to victims, their families and all of the good employees and loyal customers. During this press conference he should deliver the following reforms-

1) The Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith (responsible for dealing with sex abuse cases) should be replaced with a human resources department.

2) The new HR department will enforce guidelines for what is/isn't appropriate behavior for employees. For instance, it would never be appropriate for employees to be alone with customers (especially those who are minors) in areas marked as being "for employees only" (e.g. dressing rooms, sleeping quarters, etc.). Cameras should be installed in all common areas of Church Inc property for the protection of employees and customers.

3) When informed of any allegations of abuse by employees, it shall immediately contact the police and suspend the employee with pay pending an investigation.

4) This new HR department shall not conduct its own internal investigations.

5) If any employee is convicted of an abuse crime, HR will immediately fire the employee.

Common sense stuff folks...

At the conclusion of the press conference the CEO should indicate that there is no one more commited to ensuring that these reforms are real. To back this up he should offer his resignation.