Just a Funny

APHORISMS

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

* The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

* Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

* Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

* Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.

* Don't sweat petty things.... or pet sweaty things.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Finally!...something sensible instead of political drivel. Thanks, I needed that!

Finally!...something sensible instead of political drivel. Thanks, I needed that!

Agreed, The political crap pretty much trashed the intent of this thread!

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
I can't guarantee that these products have been tested and approved by the FDA yet!

D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy
and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A -Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N -Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself

THINGS TO PONDER....

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him...... At least I think that's what he said.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Man Down In Aisle 5

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Publix
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face
Cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.”

Man Down In Aisle 5

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Publix
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face
Cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.”

It's 363 days till Christmas and my neighbors already have their damn Christmas decorations up.

What Age You Look

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS
YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK
HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
HIGH SCHOOL CLASS MANY YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

"WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH ????? "

ARAPROSDOKIANS... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now