Friday Funnies

[OhioBeachBum]

Puns (you're gonna groan ;-) )

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't...I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

(I warned ya ... )

 

[Miss Kitty]

Thank you thank you....I LOVED THEM!!!

 

[kathydwells]

Thanks KD!

Your welcome. ;-)

 

[kathydwells]

:clap_1: :clap_1: It wouldn't be Friday without you. :clap_1: :clap_1:

I try to do my part!!!!

 

[kathydwells]

LL and OBB....Loved them Both. :clap_1: :clap_1:

 

[katie blue]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamationsof "WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,


"Had'm circumcised"

 

[kathydwells]

OMG....Katie....that is so funny!!!! :funn: :funn:

 

[Sheila]

Someone sent these to me this a.m. made me laugh, hope you get a grin or 2!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the
entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V.
and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their a**es!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really
give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be
new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the he##l?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the
bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumba**?

 

[kathydwells]

GTTBM.....FUNNY!!!!! :funn:

 

[dbuck]

KD, you've gotten me into the action and I never tell jokes!

Sunday's sermon was---Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.

Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bit**es."