Just a Funny
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to pass along good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said; "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "No, that would be rude and impolite.
"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"This is against my better judgement, but little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said; "I would say; Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said; "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "No, that would be rude and impolite.
"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"This is against my better judgement, but little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said; "I would say; Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Ha! Little Johnny strikes again!
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.The first man was an Engineer,The second man was an accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square”, do your stuff.
“T-square” pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,”Spreadsheet”, do your stuff.
“Spreadsheet” went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure”, do your stuff.
“Measure” got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak”, do your stuff.
“CoffeeBreak” jumped to his feet…….
Ate the cookies…….
Drank the milk…….
s**t on the paper…….
Screwed the other three cats………
Claimed he injured his back while doing so…….
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……..
Put in for Workers Compensation…………….and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………..
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.The first man was an Engineer,The second man was an accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square”, do your stuff.
“T-square” pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,”Spreadsheet”, do your stuff.
“Spreadsheet” went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure”, do your stuff.
“Measure” got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak”, do your stuff.
“CoffeeBreak” jumped to his feet…….
Ate the cookies…….
Drank the milk…….
s**t on the paper…….
Screwed the other three cats………
Claimed he injured his back while doing so…….
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……..
Put in for Workers Compensation…………….and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………..
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS
1. A wise man once said: ‘We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.’
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legit…..
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
1. A wise man once said: ‘We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.’
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legit…..
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth..
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth..
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."