Just a Funny
- Thread starter Misty
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THINGS THAT SOUTHERN BOYS WILL NEVER SAY...
30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. "Youse Guys"
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. No more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help with the Elizabeth Warren Campaign.
30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. "Youse Guys"
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. No more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help with the Elizabeth Warren Campaign.
Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway.
He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave.
Caught AIDS in Philadelphia.
He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan.
He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan.
Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates.
Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon.
Landed an Airbus on the Hudson River.
If that son of a b**ch dies of coronavirus, we are all screwed!!
He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave.
Caught AIDS in Philadelphia.
He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan.
He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan.
Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates.
Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon.
Landed an Airbus on the Hudson River.
If that son of a b**ch dies of coronavirus, we are all screwed!!
PUBLIC NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS – Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
- This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
- Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
- Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
- A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
- Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
- Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
- Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much s**t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of s**t they give our citizens.
- Should you feel that you do not receive enough s**t, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the s**t you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS – Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
The spread of the Coronavirus is based on two factors:
1 - How dense the population is
2 - How dense the population is
1 - How dense the population is
2 - How dense the population is