Just a Funny

[ottomatik]

MURPHYS 15 Other Laws


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well… night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it for the other foot.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

 

[gumby]

 

[gumby]

 

[ottomatik]

BAD ECONOMY

Business was terrible and not picking up.

Ed had to fire somebody,
and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Veronica or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.

When Veronica came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.

Ed approached her and said, "Veronica, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like crap. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.”

Jack was let go.

 

[ottomatik]

MATH

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

It also made me laugh out loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and
Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Kaydence]

So ... A husband gets in the shower , just as his wife is getting out , when the doorbell rings . The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs . When she opens the door , there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor . Before she says a word , Bob says ," I'll give you $800.00 to drop that towel ..." After thinking for a moment , the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob . After a few seconds , Bob hands her $800.00 and leaves . The woman wraps back up in her towel and goes back upstairs . When she gets back to the bathroom , her husband asks , " Who was that , at the door ? " She says , " It was Bob , the next-door neighbor . " The husband replies , " Great ! Did he say anything about the $800.00 , he owes me ??? "

 

[ottomatik]

Once upon a time there were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty . . .
Say two Hail Mary's and be logical and forward this email to your friends!
Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.
And Math cannot survive without Logic

 

[Kaydence]

 

[Kaydence]

Tallahassee, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Tallahassee courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Florida State Seminoles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Jimmy T]

Tallahassee, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Tallahassee courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Florida State Seminoles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Ouch!