Should we read our kids' text messages?

[Santiago]

Sounds like your daughter is pretty sharp and has hooked up with a dumbazz. Happens all the time. She just needs to 86 the guy and find a guy worthy of her. And by the way, you absolutely did the right thing. Do what you think is right and make no apologies. Kids today need all the help they can get and your daughter is very fortunate that you care enough to be a little "nosey".

 

[Teresa]

I feel your pain. Here's a similar thread I started before you joined the board I believe. Maybe it will help a bit. It's tough. Good luck.

Invasion of privacy ?

just read thru that entire thread. very interesting. I still believe that as the mom, I get to read anything and everything in the house and beyond.

My kids are little. . . so I haven't crossed this bridge yet. But I assure you I will be reading these things. Not continuously, but regularly. I would tell them when I handed the phone to them, or gave them a computer, or handed them car keys that these things are MINE. And they can BORROW them, but I have full access. I wouldn't be appologetic about it at all.

To the boys point, if there is something that could be taken out of context, than I would certainly give him the chance to explain himself before I jumped to conclusions. But I would urge them not to send messages that could be misleading. That is the root of the problem, IMO. Not that you read it.

Tis - I agree with you completely. just because teens today have full access to communication technology does not mean they can use these privileges (cell phone and computer) with no rules. we should certainly expect good decisions and choices in these matters. privacy is important, yes. but only to an extent. if your child knows your expectations, then they will have no problem with your checking in on them now and then.

However, blumtrunner's daughter is 18 years old. and she sounds like she is mature enough to handle herself on her own. from what I've read here, I think I could trust her to make her own choices. but I would certainly speak to her about the text message situation, and ask her to set limits for herself on communicating via text messaging or otherwise during certain hours of the night.

this is the only real problem I find with this entire incident: the boyfriend was unbelievably rude to the mom - not only that moment, but he continued to be disrespectful. there is no excuse for his rudeness to an adult, under any circumstances. he should apologize. what is wrong with these a-hole teens? surely he has shown his complete lack of character and your daughter can move on to better friends.

 

[Rudyjohn]

just read thru that entire thread. very interesting. I still believe that as the mom, I get to read anything and everything in the house and beyond.

Well I still pretty much do. I don't actually turn the whole house upside down purposely looking for anything, but if it's carelessly laying out, it's viewed by me and anyone else. I'll say this tho, you wouldn't believe what I read and find out about other kids! Some things that would make some of these proper soccer moms' hair curl!

 

[Hollibird]

Shallows, I am with you! I have gone so far as to make up a fake myspace, he unknowingly added me as a friend, and I could read the comments of the not-so -innocent girls. horrible, drinking videos... these kids are 13, 14 yrs old. pot was a huge problem this year. One friend wrote "come over so we can smoke"... and my idiot son let that up on his screen when I walked into the room.

There are many key logger softwares that you can download that records every keystroke. you can find out user names and passwords that way, even free trial ones (all you need is to have them use the computer one time to find out the passwords.

He found out, thinks I am crazy. But I would have had no idea about his so-called friends if I hadn't done this. not to mention girls sending him picture in their bras!! again - 14 yr olds!!!

 

[wrobert]

There are many key logger softwares that you can download that records every keystroke. you can find out user names and passwords that way, even free trial ones (all you need is to have them use the computer one time to find out the passwords.

Most key logging software is easily detected by even the free antivirus scanners because they are used to obtain data.

The local police have a couple of fake myspace pages up. Very funny to me when someone who they had no idea is a major mover of pot in the area posts pictures of himself surrounded by huge plants and loads of cash. I guess people really believe the internet is private. It has also benefited them when they see pictures of local gangstas with guns and other weapons.

 

[Teresa]

well, I do believe in respecting the child, so I don't think I would go undercover to spy on my child. (never say never). I hope not anyway. Any checking up on the kid should be with his full knowledge and it should be done with love and understanding and respect. It should not be a surprise - the child should expect that his parent will want to make sure he is safe and making good choices.

I think.

 

[Mango]

well, I do believe in respecting the child, so I don't think I would go undercover to spy on my child. (never say never). I hope not anyway. Any checking up on the kid should be with his full knowledge and it should be done with love and understanding and respect. It should not be a surprise - the child should expect that his parent will want to make sure he is safe and making good choices.

I think.

I agree completely tootsie.
I can't comment on what or what I wouldn't do since I don't have children, but I do remember being 18 and I am sure we all made our share of mistakes, bad boyfriends/girlfiends, stayed out too late etc. But my mother knew I had a head on my shoulders and never pryed. I knew she was always there if I needed to discuss an issue and we did frequently. We didn't have cell phones then, god I feel old, but there were nights that I would call my girlfriends who had private lines late at night and vice versa. That age group is going through self discovery and everything seems overly dramatic. I can certainly understand parents checking internet usage and myspace pages, but a cell phone and text messaging should be private even if you are paying for it. Personally at that age I paid for my own car, gas, insurance, had a job, and went to school.
If you've discussed her taking no responsibilty outside of just school to pay for some expenses and offered to cover the phone, then give her some breathing room with it.

I don't know what more transpired between you and the boyfiend and I am not asking, but he had a right to post on myface his feelings on the subject, the same way you had a right to post his query on here. I have to say it made me a little uncomfortable reading his post. He seemed desperate for answers as to whether it was judicious or not.

I'm glad you're daughter didn't do the freak , but give her some breathing room and let her make some mistakes on her own. The kids that I knew at that age who had parents breathing down there throats were the ones who went on to college and then all hail broke loose. It was like a new personality arose.

I know my opinion isn't the popular one on this thread so have at me if you want.

 

[ShallowsNole]

Mango, I would have agreed with you, before my son hit puberty.

And, as he gets older, I see him getting more space. My primary concern is that he is growing up much faster than I did, and I was pretty -uh- fast. I turned out OK, but it's a miracle.

 

[iwishiwasthere]

Mango, I would have agreed with you, before my son hit puberty.

And, as he gets older, I see him getting more space. My primary concern is that he is growing up much faster than I did, and I was pretty -uh- fast. I turned out OK, but it's a miracle.

I feel the exact same way about myself. Both of my girls are way better, less sneaky,than I was. Maybe it was because I did not have too many rigid rules...just a few necessary ones. Regardless, our past taints our views of the present.

 

[Allifunn]

J/K...I was pretty opinionated on the other thread. Everyone has their own opinion, and I don't believe that anyone can tell others how to raise their kids...it is all in the heart of the parent, and how well you know your child. Looking at notes, texts and myspace comments is fine, if you believe in your heart that you are doing the right thing. I just have a problem with any one that feels it is their right to invade privacy when it is not warranted. If I had cause to worry about one of my kids...I would investigate throughly...luckly, both kids are open books with me...sometimes too much so....:shock: Their dad is awesome, and we have both raised 2 good kids. WHEW!!! (together and now separately)
Also, if you have a good rapport with your child(ren) and they know you are prone to "snooping" (for lack of a better word, I don't mean it to sound so harsh)) and are ok with it, then you have already set the ground rules. Doing it arbitrarily could lead to a potential problem with trust.