Should we read our kids' text messages?

[bluemtnrunner]

This is being debated by the teenagers on Facebook. I wanted to send it out here and see what this older and just as opinionated crowd thinks.

In my house the rule is no phones after 10pm. My 18 year old daughter was on the phone after midnight on a school night and I took her cell phone away. At 4:45a.m. the cell alarm clock went off. An hour or so later the text messages started rolling in. Concerned that my kid is more into texting than finishing school, I read her messagesthat were coming in so early. Concerned by the first words of the other messages that I could see, I opened them. I then responded to two of the messages. One to her boyfriend and one to a friend of hers. (let's just say right here and now that I do not like the boyfriend).

The boyfriend fired back "talk about invasion of privacy." I won't bring you into all of the drama that ensued. But I do want to give you his take on this as posted on Facebook:

"where should we draw the line on text messages and privacy? well an obvious is: if its not your phone, its not your business. but what about parents? Parents pay the bill for their childrens phones. does that entitle them to search their childrens texts? it would most likely. but I see a problem. what about their friends? If lets say, a person's daughter has text messaging; if the parents read text messages (good or bad) you had sent their daughter, is that right? here is my idea. I believe the parents should be able to view sent text messages, but they should not be able to read recieved text messages and here is why I say that. it is their daughter, they pay the bill, and it is their phone, they should be able to see what she is saying. but they don't own her friends phone's, they may not know her friends.

I recieved a text message from a friends phone and it was her mother. she made a comment to me about a message I had sent her daughter. I felt raped. to me, that was just as bad as digging through my garbage to steal my identity, or opening letters I had sent her daughter.

what do you think? an invasion of privacy or are parents truly on firm ground?

some might say, " well if you don't send anything bad, you have nothing to worry about," and you are true. but what if innocent information is taken the wrong way by the parents? for example...

Text 1 : my brother is having a friend in town

Text 2 : thats ok I guess, I dnt know if we will every get any time alone.

Text 1 : don't worry, we will have enough privacy.

what do you all make of the conversation? it could be taken in a good way or a bad way. but what if all the parents see is, " Don't worry, we will have enough privacy."? what do you think the parents will think? they would freek right? so was this an invasion of privacy?"


My response to this was that there were other things going on which led me to look at the text messages. And there were other text messages which led me, as a parent, to be very concerned for my daughter's well being. Especially given the history of the boy's relationship with my daughter, myself and my fiance.

 

[ShallowsNole]

Yes.

But be prepared to temper any discussions on what you might find with love.

 

[bluemtnrunner]

Yes.

But be prepared to temper any discussions on what you might find with love.

Instead of meeting anything that I find about love with temper?

No, seriously, that is good advice and I hope that I have done that where my kid is concerned (not so much for the boy).

 

[Kase626]

I think that's a touchy subject. I know I would feel extremely violated if my parents read my text messages...but I'm not too worried. They can't even answer their cell phones without asking for help. My parents are a bit technically challenged.

But seriously, reading text messages is almost like listening in on phone calls, reading a diary, or eavesdropping. It's an invasion of privacy, however small. If you are worried about your child's well-being, you should ask them about it. If something is bothering them, they will probably tell you.

On the other hand, however, I can see why a parent would want to take a peek into their child's "private" life. If you're worried about the well being of your child, if there is valid concern for your child's safety or the safety of others, then by all means, snoop. But give your child the benefit of the doubt. Talk to them first, give them a chance to speak up before you go looking for evidence.

 

[jpbhen]

what about a phone/cell service that doesn't include text messaging? having taught high school for 30 years, i've seen about everything. if your gut tells you there s a problem, there likely is one. text messaging and im and even cell phones are unnecessary most of the time - whatever did we do as teenagers when no one was available 24/7? text messaging is especially distracting, and is nothing more than electronic note passing. my kid took a cell phone when going out on an errand or on the weekend, but did not carry one all of the time - and certainly not in his room or at school! you are on firm ground here, i think.

 

[Rudyjohn]

I feel your pain. Here's a similar thread I started before you joined the board I believe. Maybe it will help a bit. It's tough. Good luck.

Invasion of privacy ?

 

[tistheseason]

My kids are little. . . so I haven't crossed this bridge yet. But I assure you I will be reading these things. Not continuously, but regularly. I would tell them when I handed the phone to them, or gave them a computer, or handed them car keys that these things are MINE. And they can BORROW them, but I have full access. I wouldn't be appologetic about it at all.

To the boys point, if there is something that could be taken out of context, than I would certainly give him the chance to explain himself before I jumped to conclusions. But I would urge them not to send messages that could be misleading. That is the root of the problem, IMO. Not that you read it.

 

[bluemtnrunner]

My kids are little. . . so I haven't crossed this bridge yet. But I assure you I will be reading these things. Not continuously, but regularly. I would tell them when I handed the phone to them, or gave them a computer, or handed them car keys that these things are MINE. And they can BORROW them, but I have full access. I wouldn't be appologetic about it at all.

I have told all three of my kids that I have full access and that I won't use it unless I have reason for concern. When they were little I thought I would be so cool when they were older. My kids and I do talk a lot, actual conversations in which opinions are respected even if not agreed to.


Two things that I find interesting 1) My daughter is not upset that I read her messages or that I sent the boy a text. She is upset that all of this is happening but we have talked about it and she seems to understand my point of view. She has not accused me of invading her privacy. She isn't stamping her feet, but he certainly is.

2) The boy says that it is ok for parents to read what their own kids send out, but not what they receive. So I am only invading his privacy and not hers.

 

[Matt J]

I don't think this is an invasion of privacy at all. Unless said child is working their own job and paying said phone bill get over it. Even then I feel that a parent has a right and sometimes a duty to monitor their childs communication.

As for what this boy is saying, I really hope you daughter finds someone better. The fact that he is taking this sort of attitude with his girlfriends mother shows that he clearly has no respect for you or her. Let her know that I vote for new boyfriend.

 

[NoHall]

This is being debated by the teenagers on Facebook. I wanted to send it out here and see what this older and just as opinionated crowd thinks.

In my house the rule is no phones after 10pm. My 18 year old daughter was on the phone after midnight on a school night and I took her cell phone away. At 4:45a.m. the cell alarm clock went off. An hour or so later the text messages started rolling in. Concerned that my kid is more into texting than finishing school, I read her messagesthat were coming in so early. Concerned by the first words of the other messages that I could see, I opened them. I then responded to two of the messages. One to her boyfriend and one to a friend of hers. (let's just say right here and now that I do not like the boyfriend).

The boyfriend fired back "talk about invasion of privacy." I won't bring you into all of the drama that ensued. But I do want to give you his take on this as posted on Facebook:

"where should we draw the line on text messages and privacy? well an obvious is: if its not your phone, its not your business. but what about parents? Parents pay the bill for their childrens phones. does that entitle them to search their childrens texts? it would most likely. but I see a problem. what about their friends? If lets say, a person's daughter has text messaging; if the parents read text messages (good or bad) you had sent their daughter, is that right? here is my idea. I believe the parents should be able to view sent text messages, but they should not be able to read recieved text messages and here is why I say that. it is their daughter, they pay the bill, and it is their phone, they should be able to see what she is saying. but they don't own her friends phone's, they may not know her friends.

I recieved a text message from a friends phone and it was her mother. she made a comment to me about a message I had sent her daughter. I felt raped. to me, that was just as bad as digging through my garbage to steal my identity, or opening letters I had sent her daughter.

what do you think? an invasion of privacy or are parents truly on firm ground?

some might say, " well if you don't send anything bad, you have nothing to worry about," and you are true. but what if innocent information is taken the wrong way by the parents? for example...

Text 1 : my brother is having a friend in town

Text 2 : thats ok I guess, I dnt know if we will every get any time alone.

Text 1 : don't worry, we will have enough privacy.

what do you all make of the conversation? it could be taken in a good way or a bad way. but what if all the parents see is, " Don't worry, we will have enough privacy."? what do you think the parents will think? they would freek right? so was this an invasion of privacy?"


My response to this was that there were other things going on which led me to look at the text messages. And there were other text messages which led me, as a parent, to be very concerned for my daughter's well being. Especially given the history of the boy's relationship with my daughter, myself and my fiance.

That boy needs to learn one simple rule that dates back to the dawn of written communication: If you don't want it to be read by the whole world, don't write it down. This is no different than parents finding notes written in class back before cell phones. Never mind the invasion of privacy--if he doesn't want to feel "raped" (puh-LEEZE! what a drama queen!) then he should whisper it in your daughter's ear.

Dear Kase has a great point about talking to kids, but it doesn't seem that you were out to invade anyone's privacy. If my kid's (assuming I had a kid) cell phone went off at 5:45 a.m., I would have had an absolute field day with it...

You set the boundaries with your child, and her boyfriend crossed them. Consequences are a natural part of the process. Or maybe I've already worked at a military school too long!