The Roles of Husbands and Wives

[kathydwells]

Thank you for your comments. I have been too thinking about marriages and what makes them fail. I think people have to work to hard and they do not have time to spare for themself or the kids and that breaks down the family and so does not having money. People are to stressed and get mad at each other. If the wife would stay home, at least one person in the marriage wouldn't be stressed and she could help calm down the man from a busy day at the office by cooking dinner for him and appreiciating his hard work for the family.

I have an idea, what if the husband stayed home, at least he wouldn't be stressed and he could help calm down his wife after a busy day at the office by cooking her dinner and appreciating her hard work for the family.

AND while he is at it, perhaps he could have a cold one waiting on her when she walks in the door. Even could run her a nice warm bath to soak in while he does all the rest of the chores around the house. Sounds like a plan to me!!!!

 

[Dinf]

I have an idea, what if the husband stayed home, at least he wouldn't be stressed and he could help calm down his wife after a busy day at the office by cooking her dinner and appreciating her hard work for the family.

AND while he is at it, perhaps he could have a cold one waiting on her when she walks in the door. Even could run her a nice warm bath to soak in while he does all the rest of the chores around the house. Sounds like a plan to me!!!!

Interesting and thank you for your advice. I like that idea, but I think when I tell my wife that we are going to switch and she needs to go get a job so that I can sit around the house all day and watch tv, she aint going to like that. I mean I would clean and stuff, and I could take her out to dinner, so I have no problem with that.

 

[seacrestkristi]

 

[gundee123]

Gundee,

Do you mean this quote: I have learned that there is no one size fits all when it comes to getting married in this new millennium. Nonetheless, there are some things that probably should be known up front, agreed to, and respected by both the husband and wife, i.e., who will be the ultimate decision maker (role), what will each be responsible for individually, and how will the couple reconcile their differences.


I agree there is no "one size fits all" in today's marriage - but with respect to the rest of the paragraph - if this is indeed your question, then I respectfully disagree - maybe that is too strong a word and I just see things differently. Mostly it is that, in my marriage there was and currently is, no way of knowing what type of challenges and hurdles and joys we will have to grapple with in the future so there just is no way to prepare for this by discussing them. When we have obstacles to overcome we just talk together and try reach consensus - at times I compromise, at times he does - and at others we reach happy medium. There is no ultimate decision maker and we are both perfectly happy with this.

And we reconcile our differences the old fashioned way - we talk, respect the other's position and no-one asserts their will on the other. Full stop, period! Make sense?

Thank you, Chickpea, for your question and for allowing me the opportunity to explain my statement as it relates to making some things known up front, agreed to, and respected by both the husband and wife.

Please know that I am specifically referring to having discussions with your possible future-life partner about each others' goals/value system and agreeing to respect those values before the marriage. I agree with you that it is impossible to discern everything up front, but there are some things that can and should be revealed, but aren't. Often times, these secrets come back to haunt the marriage.

If you will indulge, please consider this: There is a situation whereas the man believes in big families and wants 7 children, but the woman does not want to have more than 2 children. They love each other very much, but never actually discuss how many children they will have. Secretly, the woman knows that the man wants a big family. However, she intentionally avoids such discussion because she knows it would probably prevent the marriage from taking place.

The first conversation about the size of the family takes place after the wife has the second child. The husband is adamant about having a large, but the wife is totally unwilling to have anymore children. Neither will be considerate of the other's wishes. Given this hypothetical situation, what do you suggest should happen? A compromise?

I believe that many problems that develop in marriages are a result of the partner(s) not fully understanding nor appreciating what they were committing to before they said, "I do." This is why I believe that having up front conversations about key issues of the marriage are essential. While I agree that it is not possible to prepare in advance for all the challenges that life punches will throw at you, one can prepare for some of these challenges by having a game plan, i.e., deciding in advance what will be the roles, expectations, and individual responsibilities of each partner.

I feel that many people disagree with my assertion of "ultimate decision maker." Please refer to post #55, paragraphs 3 & 5 about how I define this term. It is my opinion that the healthier the marriage, the rarer the need will be for an "ultimate decision maker." In fact, for some marriages, the term is non existent----like yours. And I think that what you have makes plenty of sense...I congratulate you.

Thank you again for allowing me the opportunity to explain my view on this thought provoking and often time controversial issue.

 

[Chickpea]

Gundee,

How many children couples want, how one deals with finances and money, plans for retirement, desires to work and/or stay at home and raise one's children are in my humble opinion the types of issues one should discuss BEFORE one gets married. There are enough issues to deal with in a couple that agreeing to agree to a bare minimum is crucial. How one defines that bare minimum varies per person.

Your scenario of a woman lying to her husband about the number of children she may or may not want is obviously not a promising sign - couples who stay away from those important discussions pre getting married are ultimately not very wise because ture resentment can build up.

Before I got married, my husband-to-be knew the following about me:
1) I wanted children
2) I wanted to continue building my career and to continue working
3) I wanted to plan early for retirement (I am disgustingly conservative and risk averse with money - but then again my family has been displaced by war for 2 generations and this in an important issue to me)
4) I care a lot about my physical environment but do not, never have and never will need more than 2500-3000 s.f - do not want to clean, insure, furnish, etc... more than that
5) Always have had wander lust and travel is a must to be and to my children exposing them to different religions, cultures would be integral part of their education
6) Couldn't care 2 hoots about cars, electronics, jewelry,furs, etc...
7) Love art and sculpture and photography and drawing- will gladly spend $$ on that
8) I am not particularly religious but I believe in God - I was raised catholic with a mother whose mother had converted from judiasm in Egypt in the 1950's - I find beauty and strong values in all religions - I will read the bible with my children as a book rather than strictly as a way of structuring beliefs and faith
9) Finally - I have strong opinions about politics and tolerances towards understanding and respecting other people's view points - BUT - I have little interest or tolerance in bigotry and/or people who are not interested in discovering other people's cultures, religion, etc...or who thinks the sun rises and sets with America - meaning I (only me) cannot make my lilfe with a person like that....

My husband felt more or less the same way except he is not particularly religious although he is one of the most principled people I know - he knew he also wanted children but told me he would maybe only want 1 child - he wanted to wait and see - I was OK with that - AND because like me he is also an architect and loves his physical environment but we will not always agree on what to buy and how to furnish - we decided that we would only buy what both of us liked!!! Very easy!

Thank you - and I hope I stay married for the rest of my life to him!

 

[seacrestkristi]

to love, to support , to trust, to hold hands Guess I've been lucky to be married to the same fine, handsome hunka man for 27 years, and we barely knew each other, but we both agreed we wanted it to work before we started, and knew it would not always be easy, was the main thing. If you go in thinkin' it's all a bed of roses every second of everyday it may be surprising :shock: at times. Oh well none of us are perfect come to find out? :scratch: Anyhow as long as rules, its all good. You gotta want it to work even thru the hard times. ;-) Communication seems to be key. Compromise helps. Compassion and companionship rule. :roll:
We laugh at each other, when we still sing along to Tom Petty on the radio, "You got lucky babe, when I found you."

 

[30A Skunkape]

Interesting and thank you for your advice. I like that idea, but I think when I tell my wife that we are going to switch and she needs to go get a job so that I can sit around the house all day and watch tv, she aint going to like that. I mean I would clean and stuff, and I could take her out to dinner, so I have no problem with that.

I know I am feeding the seagulls, but...

 

[Miss Kitty]

I know I am feeding the seagulls, but...

:nono1: ...practice what you preach sir!!!! I did not know that the candle came in red!!!!

 

[gundee123]

Thank you, Chickpea, for your insightful response. I think its wonderful that you and your husband were able to have open communication before either of you said, "I do." It appears to me that he had prior knowledge of what some of your goals/value system consisted of, especially the most important ones; and that both of you were in agreements on those issues.

In reading your comments, I found your perspective at #8 and #9 to be both interesting and enlighting. I have very similar views. What I've come to understand about personal relationship is that couples should always maintain a balance between courage and consideration. In my opinion, courage involves expressing to others what you believe in, whereas consideration involves having genuine respect for what others believe in. As long as these two qualities are not out of balance, I believe that any relationship can endure the toughest of times.

In the example that I gave, do you think the woman is really lying or just not being up front about her views? I guess one could look at it as lying by omission.

As far as compromising goes, I do not believe that a couple has to compromise anything when their consideration is higher than their courage. Instead of compromising [settling for some of what one wants and also accepting some of what one doesn't want], I think that one should synergize [move beyond what each partner wants individually and then focus on why each wants it---then be creative in coming up with something bigger and better that includes all of what each wants individually).

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I honestly believe that you two will stay marry for life. I am delighted to know that great minds (smile) think alike.

 

[Dinf]

Some of you women need to relax. I appreciate your comments saying that my wife should work. I am all for it, but she will have a problem with that. She likes to sit around the house all day while I work for us. I like our current set up to, but someone has to be the boss, and it should be the bread winner, since they are the one working so hard. If she could make my salary or more, I'd saty home and let her bring home the bacon. I'd go fishing a lot.

Good Day!